I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

What if you were acting? I have been in a show where I had to French kiss another woman, there was nothing ‘gross’ at all about it to me, it just didn’t turn me on the way it could have done if I had to kiss a straight man I was sexually attracted to.

He hasn't been a long to her thread to say how he feels.
I'm basing my post on what OP has said.

Right, it’s important enough for the man to say he’s gay (despite the rest of the posts) but the dc can’t hear it. Why?

Love comes in all types, and the op says she wants openness and honesty.

Your post is a bit.. but being gay is no longer something you have to hide. Or do you think it should be?

I’ve asked op this twice - no response.

Op and her dh can live however they see fit and have consensual sex with whomever they want as far as I am concerned. I don’t think it’s fair to teach their dc that being gay/bi is something to be lied about and hidden

Are you seriously saying that being open about your sexual orientation is the same as telling your children explicit details of your sex life??

Because that sounds pretty horrifically homophobic to me.

I think the whole set up is pathetic.

You could have met a man who was straight, who loved you and vice versa.
For whatever reason you settled for one man out of billions on the planet as you believed he was the only man who could be your bestie and provide sperm for a family .

You have brought your kids up to live with a lie and although you can try to compare it to families with terrible fathers, or any other kind of 'bad parenting' it doesn't make yours the better choice.

Gay men can have a family.
There was a programme on Radio 4 2 days ago about a gay man who thought he'd never be able to have a family and now has - and older I think than you and your H.

IMO you've been 100% selfish. You didn't think you could get a man who was straight and at the grand old age of 20-something settled for this set up.

It will all end badly and you need to think very seriously about your children and how they will react.

Saying their dad is bi is not going to cut it.

It's not about hiding it but by limiting something with labels. Is he gay?

Honesty would be telling the children when they are older that they OP's husband is bisexual or pan-sexual.

The op says he is gay, and yes that’s how he identifies. Why can’t the dc know?

We were living together for over a year as flatmates, he was just my gay best friend.

People sometimes incorrectly assumed we were a couple as we were close, living alone together and he isn’t especially camp.

We didn’t ‘date’ we just continued to live as friends and made this agreement, we retuned to the uk to give birth to dc1 and get married and had a reasonable sized wedding.

Nobody has ever been upset by our relationship, people have occasionally questioned but nobody has ever believed we are unhappy or shouldn’t be together.

Nobody has ever been upset by our relationship, people have occasionally questioned but nobody has ever believed we are unhappy or shouldn’t be together.

As far as you know.

I've answered that in another response, so you can put your stick away.

OPs husband is bisexual with a stronger preference for men, perhaps, rather than exclusively gay - which is what gay implies.

OP I think your marriage sounds to me a lot more happier positive and loving than many marriages (and probably more sex). I don't understand why so may posters are obsessed with the Bi/gay definition either or how you conceived your kids. You sound like you've built a loving nurturing relationship. As a women in her fifties I am seeing so mnay relationships now amongst my friends ending with the man turning into a middle age cliche and leaving for someone younger, and the devastating fall out it has had on their self esteem and self worth, and on the kids. Wishing you all the best.

@AppropriateAdult "I’m surprised so many people find it hard to believe that a man can perform sexually with somebody he’s not really attracted to, when it is well documented that this happens all the time - for straight men - in schools, prisons, the military and other situations where there is a prolonged lack of access to women."

No, it would be extremely rare for a 100% straight man to freely have sex with another male under almost any circumstances. They might be bullied, coerced or even paid for it, but they won't be doing it for pleasure and it most definitely doesn't happen all the time. Where is the documented evidence you speak of? Besides, absolutely none of that applies to the OP's husband! He's a free man operating in a normal world so he hasn't been driven to have sex with the OP out of desperation or institutionalisation. If he freely choses, and enjoys, having regular sex with a woman then he's bi sexual and absolutely not gay.

Sounds like a confusing order, lived together as friends for a year and then randomly decided to
have a baby? Why did you wait 4 years after deciding to have kids to get married?

The fact that they've had sexual intercourse and conceived children together, for me, would imply that he is bisexual but with a strong preference for men.

Children are interested in Peppa Pig & Frozen, they are not generally interested in sex and sexual preferences or practices.

It's a personal choice & no judgement here.

I've had conversations with my gay nephew who states categorically he has never & could never have sex with a woman. Interestingly despite what you say about having an erotic massage from a woman I know by my reaction after reading this I'd run a mile. Each to their own sexual boundaries in life as long as it works and is within the law.

I think the 13 year old is past the pepper pig stage and could be considering their own sexuality by now. It’d be nice for them to know who their dad is.

I'd agree about her husband being bisexual, but good god, coming out is nothing like telling children that you like a finger up the arse!! 🫣

Well it’s his identity not yours after all. And children understand what can be said and what is hidden, in this case when most others know.

As they grow up they’ll want to know why they were last to find out and being gay was too bad to mention.

I think a lot more people are 'hetero-flexible' or 'homo-flexible' than society realises, and might consider themselves straight or gay because they lean so heavily in one direction or another that they're almost straight or gay, but they aren't really, not when compared to others who genuinely are.

We are very open about different sexualities with our children, there are lots of gay people around us.

DH has never had to lie and say he is not attracted to men to them. Our eldest is 13. The last thing she wants to know is about her fathers sex life, she has never asked or suspected he has sex with men either before or while we’ve been together.
If he was straight and only having sex with other women then we still wouldn’t tell them that.

They will be believe their father is/ was Bi, maybe he is.

Yeah, focus on this OP and don't bother addressing the issue of what the impact will be on the kids to find their family set up was a lie.

You've already been told about the impact other adults have said it had on them to find out when they left home that they were similarly raised by parents in transactional set ups, but you just focus on the sex thing and not the emotional impact on your kids of finding out their parents lied to them throughout their childhood about the family set up.

Sorry you're getting so much judgement OP. I think it sounds like you have a wonderfully loving and respectful relationship, that works for you both, and the children are being raised in a secure family by 2 loving parents. It's a hell of a lot more than a lot of us here on MN have, and I admire your restraint in some of your responses. Good luck to you and your husband x

If you were flatmates first why didnt you just carry on rolling that way indefinitely? I think the marriage part is the modt confusing part.
Who pushed for that?

I’m basing my question on what OP has said.