I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

I was raised as a Catholic Convent School and had enough problems at 13 trying to figure out The Immaculate Conception (Turkey baster?). Even at 58, I still don't get it. Don't all come at me at once. I don't have the answers.

Where did you get 4 years from?

We agreed we would get married and have children together as friends. I got pregnant and we then wanted to move back here so we agreed to delay the wedding until we had our home and our baby sorted.

DH has never had to lie and say he is not attracted to men to them.

You've written this as a double negative but what it actually means is ' my husband has never said he's attracted to men'.

So he's lying by omission.

This isn't a lavender marriage. Your husband is bisexual and you have an open marriage. That's all.

4 years - you decided to have kids together, didn’t happen straight away so likely longer than 4 years really, got pregnant, this last 9 months… got married when child was 3 years old. 4 years is an estimate, not sure why you question that bit.

I think OP believes this is all very modern and aspirational when actually it's just sad. It's desperately sad neither of them thinks they can find someone they truly love and are sexually attracted to. Perhaps neither feels they deserve this. I still feel more sorry for the husband, he's denying his real sexual identity and (for reasons I cannot comprehend) forcing himself to have sex with someone he's not attracted to. I think the OP gets a thrill out of this. There's a smugness that I think is a bit unpleasant here. I think she enjoys knowing the gay man is having sex with her.

They have had four kids together and don't intend to have any more. There is no reason for them to have sexual contact at all. And yet they do, despite it being a lot of work. It's weird and uncomfortable and I pity him. I hope he finds someone he can truly love and be happy with.

Oh yeah poor man, managed to find a woman to use for sex when he’s single and to carry his kids for him
so he can have children. With a solid agreement he can have other relationships and leave her when the youngest is 18. Poor guy getting everything he wants in life 🙄

They both wanted kids. I don't see how the OP is a victim here. She's the one who seems to be getting everything she wants out of this arrangement.

I didn’t say OP was a victim, I said he isn’t a victim. She could have had kids on her own or with a straight man pretty easily, he couldn’t, he needed a woman one way or another if he wanted kids. They are both consenting adults who are just making a few questionable parenting choices. It works for them, it’s not poor gay guy being forced to live a lie.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Situational_sexual_behavior

References at the bottom of the page.

And I never said that this particular concept applied to the OP’s husband - just that the idea that a man will never be able to get it up with somebody he’s not sexually attracted to is simply untrue.

This thread is shocking, the level of judgement from posters, the deciding to label people something different to what the identify as, to deny someone’s lived experience and demand they know better,

I don’t know why I’m shocked, I’ve been on here enough, but I am shocked. Who behaves like this it’s appalling.

We didn’t get married when dc1 was 3 years old? They were a baby

Guy shoots his stuff into a cup.
It's sucked up in a "turkey baster" (basically a syringe).
Syringe goes up the female parts and shoots it into her.
Sperm meet egg.....
Not sure if that's how Mary did it 😁

You’ve been married 10 years and your eldest is 13? Just basic maths OP, you’ve forgotten what details/lies you’ve changed somewhere

You said he managed to get a woman to have sex with while single. Taking the OP at her word that he is gay, that's hardly a win for him is it? He has to force himself with a lot of effort to have sex with someone he isn't attracted to when he could VERY easily have as much sex as he wanted with men.

And now here he is, four children later, still having sex with someone he isn't attracted to because of "convenience"

It's all deeply weird and yes, I feel sorry for him since he's the one pretending to be something he's not.

Ok he’s gay, why should the dc be the last to know?

I no he is male but he could in fact choose not to have sex with her, she isn’t forcing him, he’s using his own free will.

I don't think things will will pan out quite the way she hoped for. Her DH is basically bi sexual and their marriage is an open one, or at least she's agreed it could/will be at some point. If it isn't already from his side.

Neither of us are victims. We were/ are both grown consenting adults who love and trust each other.

Nobody is being abused, nobody is unhappy. We are both getting what we want.

Mm to this

I think she said "over ten years".
13 is over 10.

The whole thing is just desperately, desperately sad.

She said ‘Married 10 years’

You still can’t see how damaging this deception could be to a gay teen, can you? No ability to look forward and consider any psychological damage you might be inflicting. Stability comes from honesty and respect. Not much of that going on in any part of your family, regardless of your protestations. And still no real explanation of why you felt this necessary.

You keep having sex with your husband knowing he's not attracted to you. I really think you get a thrill out of it because if you actually loved and respected him and his sexuality you wouldn't keep up this farce of a sexual relationship.