Page 27 | I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

dontquestion · 2026-02-14T18:07:07+00:00

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together. Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us. AMA

WonderfulSmith · 15/02/2026 10:46

What do you see happening in the future? Marriage is about a lot more than sharing bills and bringing up children. What do you see your retirement being like? I don’t think I could be happy in a relationship that didn’t start with in intention of being together forever. I know not all relationships end that way but very few couples tie the knot vowing to stay together until the kids are all 18.

localnotail · 15/02/2026 10:49

TheZanyScroller · 15/02/2026 07:39

Why are you bragging about marrying and having children with a gay man? It says more about your desperation to fulfil your needs than to respect a man and his sexuality. At best he's bisexual. If he can have sex with a woman multiple times and have kids. He made a decision to marry you. It's all a bit weird tbh. I wonder when he will come out and what his kids with think of this in years to come.

I think OP feel super special - he is gay, only likes guys, but she is so different to other females he actually finds her attractive, loves her and has sex with her. Despite being 100% homosexual.

Its all a bit bullshit, tbh. He is clearly can be attracted to females, and it will blow up at some point. I feel sorry for the kids.

TheCriticalThinker · 15/02/2026 10:50

IAmKerplunk · 15/02/2026 10:40

@dontquestion If one of your dc is gay are you not worried that they will think it is something to be ashamed of, lie about and try to hide based on the example set by their parents?

Exactly this. We should be teaching children that it's OK to be gay. Not better and certainly not worse, which is these children are being told - that being gay is something to be ashamed of. It's not!

Yoonimum · 15/02/2026 10:51

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/02/2026 10:36

why do you think most marriages are loveless? I’m at the stage most of my friends have been married 20+ years, most are still happy.

You might have been unlucky and married a man who cared for you but didn’t love you enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you or after time decided he didn’t find you sexually attractive- but rather than take the risk you actively took the “unlucky” option, and ruled out the possibility of getting the whole deal and opted for the rubbish outcome from the beginning.

This is actually a pretty sad thread. Did you think if you go for the shit option of not being properly loved then you already had the shit life so couldn’t be disappointed? Didn’t want to get your hopes up? Low expectations - if he did stick around once the dcs are grown and flown it would be amazing, not just the bare minimum a normal wife would expect.

why have you accepted crumbs? Do you not think you are worth the “whole deal”?

Show quote history

It's such a gamble waiting for the right man, especially if you want lots of children. I was in my 40s before I found my DH so have only had one child. I still consider myself really lucky as years down the line there is still real love and 50-50 parenting. You only have to read the the threads on here and look around at friends to know how many married/partnered women receive "crumbs".

localnotail · 15/02/2026 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

loislovesstewie · 15/02/2026 10:52

I can't imagine embarking on a relationship where the other party wasn't sexually attracted to me, couldn't automatically get sexually excited by me without having to make a huge effort and would rather be with a member of his own sex.

OtterlyAstounding · 15/02/2026 10:53

EasternStandard · 15/02/2026 10:10

I’m not sure how two adults, one gay one not, who are planning on having multiple children didn’t discuss the last line.

Show quote history

It seems wholly unrealistic to me. Artificial insemination (particularly for lesbians) has been a plot line in multiple TV shows since the 90s - it's not some esoteric, hidden knowledge.

I find it very, very difficult to believe that they didn't look into the option, discover it's actually slightly more effective for conception on the whole, and go with that!

Littlebluebunny · 15/02/2026 10:55

Surely any relationship based on lies will eventually go tits up.

You may both feel your are being honest to yourselves right now but surely it is not healthy to both be living lives that are not 100% true to your own feelings, let alone the poor kids.

I haven't read the full thread but are you telling the dc from the very beginning that mum and dad aren't a 'real' couple and it's all an illusion for the outside world.

My fear for you all is that someone within your family will end up seriously hurt.

Allisnotlost1 · 15/02/2026 11:03

I can see the value of a lavender marriage, even despite the obvious risk that one may fall in love with someone outside the marriage and leave.

But in this one you’ve actively introduced the complexity of having sex with each other, while telling different versions of truth to different parties. To you he’s a gay man (who has sex with a woman), to others who knew him before he’s an out gay man, to others still he’s bi and that’s the same version you’ll tell the kids if it falls apart.

On top of that you’ve only agreed a temporary marriage anyway, as you’ve agreed to stay together until the children are 18. Not sure if that means until the youngest is 18, but if this is a genuinely happy partnership - which you say it is and could well be, despite the complexity above - why the time limit? That’s not a marriage.

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 11:06

What about all of their extended family too?
Imagine hiding this from parents, siblings, colleagues, friends!

OP has normalised what is very very odd behaviour.

I've known couples where the man was gay and pretended not to be as it was frowned on or they didn't want to admit it. They had kids then in middle age, they divorced.

But to settle for this as he's a 'best friend' is really a bit rich.
I think any of us who are married feel that we're with our 'best friend' but with sex as well.

OP's got what she wants-

kids
a loving man about the house
permission to shag other men
a bestie
financial support

What's he got?

Having to offer a bit of foreplay to his wife now and then- and kids who will one day find out their dad lived a lie.

BillieWiper · 15/02/2026 11:07

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 00:05

Yes and we tell each when we see other people.

I believe he will say he is Bi or at the very least that he thought he was.

Show quote history

Why though? Surely it's just homophobic to deny your gayness.

Are you straight yourself?

moderate · 15/02/2026 11:08

PigletTwiglet · 15/02/2026 09:24

A person’s sexual orientation cannot be determined from their observable behaviour. How someone identifies is based on their internal experience of themselves, and this is why each person is the authority on their own sexuality - it really isn’t for anyone else to decide. Sure, you might wonder, but to tell someone that they’re not who they say they are is both extremely disrespectful and very arrogant.

Show quote history

Wrong.

Arousal studies measure physical response under audiovisual stimuli.

If a man responds with arousal to male erotica and no arousal to female erotica, he is homosexual, irrespective of how he identifies.

Would everyone claiming “he’s gay if he says he is” also say that if he were claiming to be a woman?

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 11:09

In RL I know a couple like this. They were married.
The woman knew he was gay, as did everyone who knew him, and went ahead as she really wanted kids.
He did the deed then a few years later he left her for a man.

Original poster

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 11:11

People are misunderstanding and over complicating the sex thing.

It has never been my experience of gay men, and I have known many to be physically repulsed by a woman’s body.

Gay men can appreciate women’s bodies, find them attractive and be comfortable around women without being sexually attracted to them.

I used to work in the glamour modelling industry, it was the gay stylists and makeup artists who were often unnecessarily grooming and applying products to women’s naked bodies. Although it probably wasn’t turning them on they were all very comfortable and enjoyed the experience, it was just fun.

I would say that it’s the ‘straight’ men/women who claim they would be physically sick if they saw another man/woman naked who are not at all comfortable or confident in their own sexuality and probably aren’t as straight as they want to believe.

I am not physically repulsed by other women’s bodies, I have lots of close female friends who I am comfortable being naked around. I mildly experimented with women in my teens, I don’t believe I am bi or have sexual attraction towards women, it was just fun. I can imagine a mutually beneficial situation where with a woman I am very comfortable with I could feel physical pleasure from and be happy to give physical pleasure to.

If that makes us both Bi in your eyes then so be it, but that is not how we Identify.

OP posts:

moderate · 15/02/2026 11:12

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 11:06

What about all of their extended family too?
Imagine hiding this from parents, siblings, colleagues, friends!

OP has normalised what is very very odd behaviour.

I've known couples where the man was gay and pretended not to be as it was frowned on or they didn't want to admit it. They had kids then in middle age, they divorced.

But to settle for this as he's a 'best friend' is really a bit rich.
I think any of us who are married feel that we're with our 'best friend' but with sex as well.

OP's got what she wants-

kids
a loving man about the house
permission to shag other men
a bestie
financial support

What's he got?

Having to offer a bit of foreplay to his wife now and then- and kids who will one day find out their dad lived a lie.

How has he not got

kids
a loving woman about the house
permission to shag other men
a bestie
financial support

?

Cherrytree86 · 15/02/2026 11:12

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 09:11

Last time I address the idea of him not being Bi because people clearly don’t understand or believe it which is fine, we have alway wanted people to be able to believe he is Bi.

He identifies as a gay man, we were close friends for several years before where he was out to me as a fully gay man, he is sexually attracted to men only.

We entered this agreement together and decided to get married and have children together as friends, knowing he was a gay man and wasn’t sexually attracted to women, that is why this is a ‘lavender marriage’. It’s not like we started dating and felt attraction despite him only previously being with men and believing he was gay, there was no sexual attraction there.

He is not sexually attracted to women, it is never the same for either of us than it is with people we are sexually attracted to. He doesn’t just get it up looking at my tits and is then able to just shove it and get me pregnant. We don’t have regular hetero sexual, we have never done that. We use other tools and our imaginations and have figured out how to on occasion feel physical pleasure with each other but again it is not the same as where there is sexual attraction.

Show quote history

It sounds like hard work tbh, OP @dontquestion

localnotail · 15/02/2026 11:16

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 11:11

People are misunderstanding and over complicating the sex thing.

It has never been my experience of gay men, and I have known many to be physically repulsed by a woman’s body.

Gay men can appreciate women’s bodies, find them attractive and be comfortable around women without being sexually attracted to them.

I used to work in the glamour modelling industry, it was the gay stylists and makeup artists who were often unnecessarily grooming and applying products to women’s naked bodies. Although it probably wasn’t turning them on they were all very comfortable and enjoyed the experience, it was just fun.

I would say that it’s the ‘straight’ men/women who claim they would be physically sick if they saw another man/woman naked who are not at all comfortable or confident in their own sexuality and probably aren’t as straight as they want to believe.

I am not physically repulsed by other women’s bodies, I have lots of close female friends who I am comfortable being naked around. I mildly experimented with women in my teens, I don’t believe I am bi or have sexual attraction towards women, it was just fun. I can imagine a mutually beneficial situation where with a woman I am very comfortable with I could feel physical pleasure from and be happy to give physical pleasure to.

If that makes us both Bi in your eyes then so be it, but that is not how we Identify.

I'm not repulsed by female body, OP, I like females and I find their bodies aesthetically pleasing. But I would never be able to French kiss a woman or do anything sexual with her vagina, it would be gross to me as I'm 100% straight.

Cherrytree86 · 15/02/2026 11:17

@dontquestion

OP, do you ever worry that you were a bit hasty to settle for this in your twenties in order to have a family? If you had waited longer you could have focused on your career and had loads of fertile years still left and met someone who isn’t gay?

EasternStandard · 15/02/2026 11:18

OtterlyAstounding · 15/02/2026 10:53

It seems wholly unrealistic to me. Artificial insemination (particularly for lesbians) has been a plot line in multiple TV shows since the 90s - it's not some esoteric, hidden knowledge.

I find it very, very difficult to believe that they didn't look into the option, discover it's actually slightly more effective for conception on the whole, and go with that!

Show quote history

Yep and the oldest is 13 so not even the 90s. A gay man entering a decades long lie to dc, who was out but didn’t know about other methods than sex.

Charlize43 · 15/02/2026 11:19

People are really clutching, even crushing their pearls over this.

Remember different strokes for different folks...

EasternStandard · 15/02/2026 11:20

Charlize43 · 15/02/2026 11:19

People are really clutching, even crushing their pearls over this.

Remember different strokes for different folks...

Ok so be honest with the dc, their father is gay. What’s the issue?

StopWindingBobStopWinding · 15/02/2026 11:25

What if one of your children turns out to be gay, and finds out on reaching majority that his father has lived an elaborate charade for 30 years to hide the fact that he is gay?

Charlize43 · 15/02/2026 11:26

EasternStandard · 15/02/2026 11:20

Ok so be honest with the dc, their father is gay. What’s the issue?

Show quote history

They don't need to know!

Do your kids need to know if your husband likes a finger up his ass when he is coming or that you may think of Henry Cavill when reaching orgasm? No, they don't.

Later, as adults they can be told that the world is a much larger and interesting place...

NorthFaceofthelaundrypile · 15/02/2026 11:27

I read about a lot of very shitty relationships on here, OP yours sounds kind, loving and committed. You and your DH have created a beautiful family life for you and your children. It’s really lovely to read about.

1stTimeMummy2021 · 15/02/2026 11:27

@dontquestion Sorry if this has already been asked, your sex life is no one's business but your own. My question is did you have a normal/big wedding? Did you date, live with each other, then get engaged? You know the traditional relationship route or was it friendship to wedding? And if you did have a traditional wedding, was anyone upset about it? Just wondering if you had anyone in your ear saying you don't have to do this.