I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

I’m not sure how two adults, one gay one not, who are planning on having multiple children didn’t discuss the last line.

I totally agree. It sounds like a very honest respectful marriage , which is more than a lot of couples can say!
How can raising your children in that kind of environment ever be wrong

I totally see whats in this for him.

He gets to live his sexual life as a liberated gay man. And he also gets to have a classic straight "family man" life at home. He couldn't have had that without you.

But you could have had the life you have now without him, and it would have been even better because you would have potentially had it with a man who fancies the pants off you and wants to be with you for life - not just until your work as a womb and nurturer is over.

What was in this arrangement for you?

Because it’s not honest to the four children who are part of the family and who presumably love their father thinking he wouldn’t lie about how he identifies.

I actually feel quite sorry for the husband.

I don't see the issue. You have children that are being raised in a loving home by two parents that love and respect each other, that is a lot more than many children. You have both been honest with each other and that is priceless. I hope you have many happy years as a tight family unit.

Eh?
The husband is quids in.

Your arrangement sounds great. A stable and loving home life is what children need, and what you have.

In terms of the bedroom stuff, it should be the case that kids don't know the detail what goes on in there, of whatever orientation, so I don't understand why there is an issue here.

It's so hard to get my head around this!

Is it possible that

a) He's vulnerable and he's been coerced into having sex with someone he doesn't want to have sex with?

or

b) He's vulnerable and has adopted an identity that doesn't reflect the reality of his sexuality because he thinks that's what others want him to be?

Yeah….trapped in a relationship where he has to have sex with someone he isn’t attracted to (or even of the same sex he is attracted to) out of duty. Sounds really healthy and great for him.

Exactly!!

I think theres something very sinister and coercive about this lovely “Lavender Marriage” and I’m not sure it’s the OP who is the victim in it.

So there you have it- 'Would I have found the whole deal..unlikely.'

Low self worth? 'Settling'? Afraid of never finding the right man?

I think this is a sad yet also appalling set up.

If (and it's a big IF) he is really 100% gay, you have created not just this happy family you think you have, but a web of deceit.

You're clearly having to lie to your kids, extended families (parents, siblings etc), friends, school gate acquaintances, colleagues, and the rest.

It's living with the lie that is hard to understand.

People will know. Or suspect. You might think it's all under the radar, but it won't be.

How you could lie back and have sex with him to conceive FOUR children when you know he's not attracted to you (supposedly) is impossible to understand.
Where is your self worth?

You could say you are mutually using each other- he's your sperm donor, you're his 'surrogate'.

But it's depriving each of you from what you could have had.

And once your kids find out I'd not like to be you. They may be cool with it, they may walk away and cut contact.

Agreed. I actually think the OP is the one benefiting most here. She gets stability and financial security and the big family she wanted. Having sex with him isn't such a chore to her since he is her preferred sex and tbh I suspect she feels a thrill in the transgressive aspects of it - he's gay but she is the exception, he chose her.

He's the one who has to force himself to have sex with someone he's not sexually attracted to

I also wonder if they both have low libidos since apparently he's not having sex outside the marriage anymore for reasons I don't understand.

Exactly.

And the fact she has said that she wouldn't be happy if he had sex with another woman, even though he’s allowed to have sex with other men, shows that she thinks she has some kind of “right” to him or “possession” of him.

I don’t think this is simply just a marriage of convenience in the way OP is trying to portray.

Having read all OP posts it's clear to me that they both care enough to want each other to receive sexual pleasure even if there is none in the giving. It is obviously very unusual to have that level of intimacy in a friendship, especially between a man and a woman, but I can see it is possible. Having a stable family unit with both a mother and father is/was the shared motivation of both OP and her husband. I can see that marriage/sharing a house and finances would be part of this and, as we know, provides financial security for mothers. None of it is impossible for me to grasp even though it will be very, very rare.

why do you think most marriages are loveless? I’m at the stage most of my friends have been married 20+ years, most are still happy.

You might have been unlucky and married a man who cared for you but didn’t love you enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you or after time decided he didn’t find you sexually attractive- but rather than take the risk you actively took the “unlucky” option, and ruled out the possibility of getting the whole deal and opted for the rubbish outcome from the beginning.

This is actually a pretty sad thread. Did you think if you go for the shit option of not being properly loved then you already had the shit life so couldn’t be disappointed? Didn’t want to get your hopes up? Low expectations - if he did stick around once the dcs are grown and flown it would be amazing, not just the bare minimum a normal wife would expect.

why have you accepted crumbs? Do you not think you are worth the “whole deal”?

Why isn’t honesty and trust part of what they need? The op and the partner could be honest and say he’s gay and we still love each other.

And frankly, given they apparently didn't even know about the turkey baster method/ICI for conception, and thought they had to have sex, I'm raising my eyebrow a little bit at this. me too.

I find this really sad.

You are in this relationship because of bad experiences of men.

He is in it because you can give him children and help him raise them. You are basically a surrogate plus.

Your children will one day realise their family was a lie. There are sometimes posts on here from children who realised their parents only stayed together to raise them and they talk about how traumatic that was, as it means their whole understanding of their family was wrong. It causes them to question all their memories and their whole childhood.

I think you are in the weaker position here, as you entered into the marriage due to not trusting straight men, and are more vulnerable to being hurt when he leaves.

Its really sad that your marriage was built on weaknesses and past pain rather than anything positive.

Thinking, well, at least my marriage isn't as bad as theirs, is never a good position for anyone to be in.

@dontquestion If one of your dc is gay are you not worried that they will think it is something to be ashamed of, lie about and try to hide based on the example set by their parents?

Yes, there's jealousy there - or at least theoretical potential jealousy. OP is going to be the one left emotionally wounded and lonely when he leaves. She has a strong emotionally attachment to him, as it if were a full relationship.

How does that sit with you having sex with him for fun knowing he’s having anal sex with men? How can you know it’s always protected sex? Unless you’re there you only have his word.

Hey OP - do you two kiss? Like, French kiss? Also, your sex life - sorry to be nosy, but it sounds like mutual heavy petting? Do you find it enough?

I also think its odd saying he is gay and he has physical relations with you. I have a lot of gay friends and none of them would be able to do that, some would possibly throw up at the thought of a naked woman on their hands ))

But tbh I'm not bothered about that - you two do whatever you feel works for you. I do find you lying to your children disturbing, though. They will find out, and it will affect them.

They are not honest with their kids. Their kids deserve honesty.

They deserve honesty that their parents are not the happy, loved up, secure life long family unit they their parents are pretending to be, but are in a transactional marriage of convenience, to create said children, that will end once the kids turn 18. That's a pretty bad head fuck to place on the kids.

I thought a lavender marriage was a gay ma marrying a gay woman and happened more back when it was illegal to be gay.