I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Yes. I say hes bi. He has a pleasurable sexual relations with a woman as well as men. Bi.

But honestly, dont let that bother you so much 😊

We do have sex with each other ‘for fun’ not just to conceive. We are comfortable with each other and it is still pleasurable on both sides.

^^ OP said

Why do you think I do speak for anyone else? I'm just speaking for myself, when it comes to finding that unappealing, and I never said otherwise.

The agreement is that we would stay together at least until all children had reached 18. I think I would be happy to continue after then but he may feel differently and that’s okay.

The plan isn’t for them to find that out.

How comfortable are you not telling your kids about this until the youngest is 18 (which presumably means the eldest will be 30)?

Do you think the older kids won’t realise? Are you worried they may realise or find out without you telling them? Especially if one or both of you is seeing other people.

And if they don’t, for them to be blindsided by this once adults at the point their parents separate and potentially move on with new partners - and their dad with a same sex partner? How do you think they’d feel that both parents have kept it from them?

Have you planned for your future without him once the kids are adults, i.e. financially, practically, emotionally?

I don’t think it’s that complicated. It’s as OP said:
They married knowing he is gay , for security and to have children. And probably too to make his life easier so he doesn’t have to inhabit the outsider status of a gay man ( for all the equality in the eyes if the law, it’s still not always an easy identity to carry)
They have penetrative sex to conceive
They have learnt to pleasure each other in non penetrative ways because they like and trust each other and can fulfil their sexual needs together, some of the time
He gets to have sex with men which is his real sexual interest, in a discrete way
Socially, they square the circle by saying he’s bisexual.

OP your children will grow up knowing they are loved and you have a loving marriage regardless of your husband's sexual orientation. It might be better to tell them the truth at a certain age but make it clear this was a choice you both made because you are best friends, loved each other, love your life together and wanted children together. If they find out accidentally that may cause a lot more angst than knowing anyway.

Of course

What do his old friends say who know he was gay before he met you? Do they think he’s now bi or are they aware of your arrangement?

Was he out to his family before you? How did he explain the change to them?

Did your family know about your gay friend? How did you explain the change to them?

We have a marriage purely of convenience and arrangement. We were close friends, he was a gay man and we decided to get married and raise a family together as friends despite no sexual attraction.
We don’t have a traditional relationship that began with attraction to each other, it was a mutually beneficial agreement and it still is.

We both wanted a family, for our kids to have a secure happy home with a mum and dad who love and support each other. I understand there are many acceptable alternatives but that is what we both wanted and felt was best for our children.

Yes it can be explained on an adult level but the dc are unaware that their father is gay (as he sees it). They will probably find out at some point.

I actually think it may not be that big a deal for the kids when they are adults.
Kids- ie older teens- can be quite cool.

Is it any different to couples who have affairs but put on a united happy family front until the kids are older then they split?

Will the fact their dad likes men as well as women be so awful? I don't know.

What I find more strange is that the OP seems happy with the time limit on this set up because if her H leaves and meets another man and they walk off into the sunset, she's lost her best friend.

Does this not mean he’s bi? Sex with a woman would make a true gay man’s skin crawl. It wouldn’t be “fun”.

When the kids grow up and you have more bandwidth for your own romantic relationships, have you discussed how this will work? If someone falls in love, will their DP be invited to Christmas, for example?

I'm curious as to why you didn't decide to marry as platonic life partners, and be open about that with close friends and your children? It's unusual, yes, but that way it wouldn't come as a shock to the kids.

Whether or not your husband is bisexual put aside, I do hope it continues to work well for you, and for your children. It seems like at the moment you're all very happy with it, and that's lovely.

“Yes it can be explained on an adult level but the dc are unaware that their father is gay (as he sees it). They will probably find out at some point”.
Sure but if it’s handled well it won’t necessarily traumatise them- just my feeling. Probably because they both went into it with their eyes open and no one party seems to be exploiting the other.

We have a marriage purely of convenience and arrangement. We were close friends, he was a gay man and we decided to get married and raise a family together as friends despite no sexual attraction.
We don’t have a traditional relationship that began with attraction to each other, it was a mutually beneficial agreement and it still is.

I don't think this is really how it is or needed to be.

You can be friends with a gay man and not marry them.
I have women friends who have wonderful gay men as friends.
You could have used a turkey baster to conceive with his sperm.
He could have had contact with your children as a good friend and freed you up to find a man who was straight.

I can't get my head around how he could possibly have sex with you numerous times to conceive all those kids if he's truly gay.
And how you could ask him to!
How you could you lie there with him banging away to conceive FOUR kids knowing he hated it? Or it was just a 'service'?

Nope- someone is lying to themselves or each other.

The adults went into to it with their eyes open, the dc sound like the last to know who their father is in terms of how he identifies.

Even the op has talked about openness, trust and honesty to make it work, the dc don’t get that.

But what is enjoyable for OP about having her sexual needs met by someone she knows doesn't find her attractive and (based on what OP has said), doesn't seem to actually want to do it?

I imagine it’s easier for her to engage in this “transactional sex” as she calls it as he’s a man and she’s attracted to men.

But if he is gay, and she knows he isn’t attracted to her or aroused by women or their bodies, why is she wanting that from him?

Is he feeling pressured to do it? Does he feel like it’s an expectation? A duty he has to perform?

If that’s the case, there is something very disturbing about this arrangement.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than having someone be touching me sexually when I know they don’t fancy me and that they are basically having to mentally shut themselves off (or imagine that I’m a man) in order to do it. How on earth is OP finding pleasure in that?

We both have and do go out and have sex with people we are sexually attracted to.

in between children we have gone over a year without having any sexual activity with each other because we were doing it with people we were attracted to.

We’ve been together over 10 years, conceived 4 children, share a bed most nights. We are both very busy and haven’t always had the time to have sex with other people so sometimes we have engaged in sexual activity with each other ‘for fun’. There’s no force, just another mutually beneficial agreement, ‘I do you and you do me’

There isn’t one correct way to have sex, the sex I occasionally have with my husband will be a lot different to what you have with yours.

I get this is what you’ve done - but why?

from his point of view - only way to have a family. But you could have married and had children with a romantic partner. Why did you agree to this?

Did you have sex before you got married? If not, did you discuss the possibility that he might not be able to maintain an erection and ejaculate, in order to conceive?

Do you think he’s closing his eyes and pretending you’re a man when you have sex?

So when you have sex with other men, how do they respond to the fact you are married woman?
Do they not care?
Or do you lie and say you aren't married?
Or do you tell them your H is gay?

There isn’t one correct way to have sex, the sex I occasionally have with my husband will be a lot different to what you have with yours.

Can you explain this?

How do you know what sort of sex other women have?

If he's gay he would not be touching you at all, unless you're begging for it and he does it out of some sense of duty.

so sometimes we have engaged in sexual activity with each other ‘for fun’

Frankly, how can it be fun for either of you if he's not attracted to you?? I wouldn't want to have sex with a man I knew wasn't attracted to me.

There isn’t one correct way to have sex, the sex I occasionally have with my husband will be a lot different to what you have with yours.

Yes, because mine actually wants to have sex with me, and if one believes you, then yours doesn't. It sounds so terribly depressing and lonely to me. But I guess if you're both happy, then that's the most important thing.

Depending where you live, your behaviour may already been known about and your kids may suspect or even know.

I think it would be very hard to live the life you are , where you each have sex outside your marriage, he with men (supposedly) and no one know about it.

There is always school gate gossip, work gossip, town/ village gossip.

People aren't blind or stupid.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than having someone be touching me sexually when I know they don’t fancy me and that they are basically having to mentally shut themselves off (or imagine that I’m a man) in order to do it. How on earth is OP finding pleasure in that?

This is what leaves me bewildered!! It sounds like a nightmare! Utterly horrendous, and so depressing. Why on earth put up with that when you could have a fulfilling romantic relationship??

And frankly, given they apparently didn't even know about the turkey baster method/ICI for conception, and thought they had to have sex, I'm raising my eyebrow a little bit at this.

There is a lot of love in my life, he is my best friend. It’s possible I could have found the whole deal but I believe very unlikely.

He is a really good man, I have never met a man who I could imagine trusting more or who I would consider could be as good as a father to our children.

I know a lot of people in very unhappy, loveless marriages even when there’s still regular penetrative sex. I know a lot of children who have useless half hearted fathers even when they are still perfectly sexually attracted to their mothers.