I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

I’m sorry you don’t understand the difference between what and why. The OP might though, so she might still reply.

No, just skimming through the 'see all' OP post's very quickly, she's said:

"We do have sex with each other ‘for fun’ not just to conceive. We are comfortable with each other and it is still pleasurable on both sides."
and
"We are very comfortable and honest with each other - physical touch can still be pleasurable even when there isn’t sexual attraction to other person."
and
"To me sex with him is different to the sex Ive had have with other men and to him sex with me is different to the sex he has with other men where there is physical attraction.
it does just come down to physical touch for us, we have both learnt to how to physically pleasure each other."
and
"He doesn’t just get it up because I am a women, it isn’t regular or easy and we have to work at it but it can still be pleasurable"
and
"we’ve had to learn to to have sex with each other within the agreement we made at first to conceive our children. We live together and it is now a matter of convenience and pleasure, it isn’t regular or easy and we have to work at it but it can still be ‘fun’."

So they're clearly voluntarily engaging in sex (which includes all intimate sexual activity together, not just penetrative sex) for the sheer fun and pleasure of it, despite it being difficult, him apparently struggling to get erect, and not being attracted to her at all?? Those things seem mutually exclusive, frankly. And also make it seem really unappealing 😬

Absolutely I’m shocked by it.

here’s what the op said.

we love and respect each other and he’s my best friend, he is gay and we decided that together we could and would form a family unit, raise the children till at least 18, and our home is happy, we both occasionally have relationships with other people.
we rarely have vaginal sex, if we do it’s to conceive, it’s very difficult for him and he needs help to do that,
we do occasionally have sexual touch, where we effectively get each other off, using toys and touch, and it’s transactional, there is not any form of penetrative sex involved.

many posters, well that means he’s bi.

does it hell.

Possibly through the colour of the flower Violets, which has been the symbol of lesbianism for two thousand years (Sappho 600 BC). Women wore them as a sign to other women. Sending a small bouquet violets to another woman had strong implications.

Did you deliberately miss the part out where she said that sex is not penatrative?

Maybe he would struggle to get it up with a man too!
Maybe he has ED and it's easier to confront this with his wife than some bloke he's met online or at a club.

She won't know how potent he is with men.

I completely understand this from his point of view. I get he would want a traditional family and being a “proper” father, then he gets to go off have sex with men as long as he’s discreet about it.

I see the attraction from his point of view of this arrangement - but what I don’t get, is why you agreed to this. You are the one with options, you could create this lifestyle with a real partner who loves you, you could have dcs with a man who enjoys having sex with you and that you could plan on still being with once your dcs have grown and flown.

Im just not seeing why you would give your younger, healthier years to a man you know doesn’t find you attractive or romantically love you, with the intention of being on your own when you’re older and it’s harder to find someone to be a life partner.

From the outside, it looks like you’ve picked quite a shit loveless life for yourself, it sounds like a great arrangement for him but terrible for you. Why pick this?

And also make it seem really unappealing 😬

Don't do it then. It's not obligatory.

Or maybe, just maybe, he’s gay like she said,

What does that have to do with anything? Do you think the only sex that counts is penis in vagina?? There's oral sex, digital sex, foreplay, and all sorts of other sexual activities. So I repeat:

"So they're clearly voluntarily engaging in sex (which includes all intimate sexual activity together, not just penetrative sex) for the sheer fun and pleasure of it, despite it being difficult, him apparently struggling to get erect, and not being attracted to her at all?? Those things seem mutually exclusive, frankly. And also make it seem really unappealing 😬"

I also don't think people should get to label themselves wrongly. I shouldn't get to call myself a vegan if I eat bacon once a month, or straight if I'm a woman and eat pussy every third weekend, or Christian if I worship Satan on the holidays.

This I agree with, for him, I understand, he has the semblance of a marriage, the family unit, the ability to have sex with men,

but why did you agree?

Happily, I'm not doing it. But I do wonder why, in this day and age, someone would want to do it. It sounds very self-hating.

I mean, not having kids and an open marriage with a gay man - I guess that makes sense. But then having sex with him, when you don't have to, and you know he finds you unattractive and unappealing? Ugh. It sounds like a punishment, not a pleasure.

You can’t seriously be asking this question? You feel it is totally irrelevant if a gay man doesn’t wish vaginal sex, and doesn’t show he’s gay

stop telling this man what he is according to your rules.

Except to have four dc.

I'm not going to jump on the judgey bandwagon.

I get a lot of it OP. At some point in a marriage, sex does tend to go out the window and if you are lucky you'll have lots of kisses, cuddles, snuggles and hand holds and it's lovely. A lot of women don't even get that on this board with their straight DHs.

One thing I would say though OP is that at the end of the day, none of us can fully trust anyone. Any of our DH's could have their head turned at any time. My own DH is up there with the best, but I still cover my own arse.

When all your DC have flown the nest, and it is just you and him, he may decide he wants to visit his true self and move in with a man he loves. He will have had all his needs met for family and DC. Other DH's do the same and run off with a 25 year old regularly on this board.

Please, please, make sure you keep your hand in work, that you have your own savings, finances, your state and a private pension sorted, a will, and that your name is on the house and your name is on any life insurances etc. If your DH really loves you, as you clearly love him, he will have no issue doing this.

At the end of the day, love is great, no matter what shape and form that comes in, but also at the end of the day, you are alone OP and you must make sure your security is sured up.

This man continues to have a sexual relationship with a woman. He is bi. Bigly fat bi man. Which is absolutely fine (although im starting to wonder if ive somehow missed something and being bi is now utterly disgusting)

Exactly, he has penatrative sex with a lot of help to only conceive.

Right, so you agree that he's bisexual as well? 🤔

Because I can't see that a gay man with erectile dysfunction forcing himself to have sex with a woman he's not attracted to in the slightest would be better than a cheeky wank, or bottoming for a guy he's attracted to.

I don't know, it's just so weird to insist you're one thing, while blatantly doing another. It's like claiming to be vegan while nibbling on a fish finger, and then saying, 'it's alright! I don't actually like the taste! I just keep doing it for...fun'.

Clearly not to OP. Everyone's different, they don't have to do the same thing you do. You can't imagine wanting that life? Cool. You don't speak for anyone else.

I’m a little confused; he identifies ‘as bi’ to those few who know about his same-sex couplings in the past, yet you say he’s gay. If you have had sex for pleasure rather than procreation, doesn’t that make him bi?

maybe I’m overthinking this 🤷‍♀️

So the fact he has sex to conceive and has no sexual attraction to women in your view makes him bi and thus sexually attracted to women.

my god.

Did you deliberately miss the part out where she said that sex is not penatrative?

I think she actually said 'not often' or words like that.

Reading the boards here, there are many women who like sexual touch but don't like penetration as they get older or just want a 'cuddle'.
They are in traditional marriages.

There was also a long running thread from a women in her 50s who said she wanted to go online to date but only wanted a celibate relationship and would she find one?!

Having repeated, voluntary sexual contact with a woman, whether or not a penis is inserted into a vagina, is very much Not Gay.

What next, are you going to claim it'd be gay if he performed anal on her?? It's not about the acts, it's about the fact that he's engaging in sexual pleasure with a woman!! That's not gay!!

Why are you arguing so much?
He has continued to touch her sexually for years not just have sex to produce some kids.

I know gay men and they would not engage in any sexual activity at all with a woman, just like my hetero husband feels physically sick at the idea of touching a man or having an physical intimacy with one.

The fact that he and his wife voluntarily sexually pleasure each other for the fun of it makes him not gay. What's so hard to understand about the fact that choosing to voluntarily have heterosexual sexual contact means you're not homosexual? It's literally right there in front of you.

Is being bisexual some horrific crime now??