I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Read - a marriage of convenience might impact the kids - wow, so many women are stuck in marriages where the man is emotional, distant, having affairs - you are married to your best friend (who can still love you) and you set out your needs and expectations from the start. You are probably having the best relationship- im jealous, wish I'd asked my gay pal!

Are either of you not white British? Or from any subculture where homosexuality is less accepted?

The bi or gay thing is splitting hairs a bit. He is described as primarily gay, identifying as gay, only having relations with men outside of his beard-wife, and is only actively attracted to men.

Not all gay men and lesbians are outright repulsed by the opposite sex. They may just completely lack attraction to them. These people may be able to tolerate relations with the opposite sex.

(Of course, many gays and lesbians cannot bear the thought of opposite sex relations).

This thread is on a loop.
OP .. my DH is gay
every one else .. oh no he isn't
OP .. oh yes he is

Fascinating thread, thank you OP.

Can I ask - do others suspect you may be in a lavender marriage? One couple I know (more acquaintances than close friends) seems very obvious to me (and others). They are also raising a big family and seem very happy…

Also, I know another couple - very close friends of mine - where I strongly believe the DH is gay. My lovely female friend in the couple complains to me about lack of intimacy in their marriage. We are late 40/early 50s, and I think people forget it was still quite a stigma in the 80s and 90s.

Just wondering if your set up is more common than we think? X

Hm...does that apply to straight people too? As in, some can tolerate same-sex sex despite lacking same sex attraction but aren't repulsed by it?
I guess that might be true though personally I find it hard to understand.

That's the same as women, isn't it? As in, women who are sexually assaulted may orgasm but that obviously doesn't mean they were attracted or wanted it.

Yes, physical stimulus in both sexes can result in arousal or climax, regardless of attraction or consent.

And in response to your other comment, replying to @ChattyCatty25, in my experience, people who are 100% homo/heterosexual can tolerate relations with the sex they're not attracted to if outside pressures push them into it (such as social expectations).

But I cannot see a man who considers himself 100% gay, and was fully and freely out as 100% gay in another country, deciding to force himself to have sex with a woman he's not attracted to just for the 'fun' (??) of it when he could masturbate, or likely very easily find a no strings hook-up with another man who he is actually attracted to.

It doesn't seem plausible.

He’s not gay if he’s sleeping with you, he’s Bi?

Op this is a really interesting thread thank you. And I can’t believe people are arguing with you on your husbands sexuality. No matter how many times you explain it, they still think they know better than the two of you.

unbelievable. And utterly cringe worthy.

Another vote for him being bi.

it might be hard for you to accept, but he's bi sexual. He has been having sex, been romantically invested in women...

It happens in prison all the time
Also at boarding schools

Because a gay man is not going to be having sex ,, sexual intimacy, especially over a prolonged time with a woman.

He just is bi sexual, as hard as it is for the OP to perhaps come to terms with.

I think this set up probably happens less than any of us could imagine but with less honesty.

Whatever works.

My friend grew up in a family similar, it was a nightmare for her and her brother. Aren’t you worried that your kids will find out dad’s shagging the local men? They’ll get savaged at school and be completely confused.

I don't believe that happens.

Why are you bragging about marrying and having children with a gay man? It says more about your desperation to fulfil your needs than to respect a man and his sexuality. At best he's bisexual. If he can have sex with a woman multiple times and have kids. He made a decision to marry you. It's all a bit weird tbh. I wonder when he will come out and what his kids with think of this in years to come.

I'd never heard of a 'lavender' marriage.
I thought I'd lived but clearly not.

He's bi.
He likes to swing both ways.

You're deluding yourself and so is he.

If he was truly gay, he'd not even be able to touch you and get aroused.

There is nothing wrong with being bisexual- just denying you are.

Erm, well it does. So, I'm afraid you're wrong.

Are you also a flat earther who believes the sky is green? Because that's the degree of wrong that you are.

Generally that's either about establishing power and dominance amongst a hierarchy, not sexual attraction, or the people partaking are not 100% straight.

People underestimate how many people are bi-curious, or hetero- or homo-flexible.

But by the time your youngest is 18 your eldest will be 30, possibly a parent themselves. Are you going to lie to them all throughout their young adulthood? Raising four adolescents, teenagers and young adults takes all the energy and resources of both parents, very different to meeting the more practical needs of babies and infants. Hard to imagine both parents managing separate secret sex lives on top of this big parenting project. Most parents don’t prioritise their own selfish sexual needs. If this is true it’s horrible for the children

Why pretend to the people he’s closest to, his dc

Wow. What a horrible post.

shes already explained they will say he is bi. The kids don’t need to know more than that, and if feels like theyve made a loving family home, filled with mutual respect and love. Coming on and attacking them, calling them selfish is really uncalled for.

Why do you think she's bragging?