I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Can someone tell me where and when the term 'lavender marriage ' evolved?
I've never heard of it.

Lavender as a colour has long been associated with people who aren't straight (I think gay men used the plant as a code to signal they were gay and available). The term got popularised in the 1920s with lots of gay film stars marrying as a cover because their careers and reputations would not have survived being out.

Have you asked AI for that?

I've been around a long time and never every heard it even though I have friends with gay brothers etc etc.

Traditionally, 'real men' wouldn't wear pink- that was the gay colour.

So your DH is bi, prefers sex with men and youre in an open marriage.

Cool.

It’s truly wild! OP, you seem to have one of the most loving, supportive, and equal relationships that I’ve come across on here - which is probably why you’re affording such grace to all the haters, rather than snapping back. Good for you! Wishing all the best to you and your unconventional yet clearly thriving family

No, I already had read it somewhere when I researched the term years ago after having first heard it. And I wrote the post all by myself too.

However, you think I used AI because I knew something you didn't? Even though you asked the question, presumably hoping to find someone who knew? Why'd you ask if you didn't want someone to tell you?

Google and you'll even find out lavender as a shade isn't pink. Every day's a school day, huh?

I just believe the children should come first, not the adults’ sex lives. I don’t accept that children/teenagers/young adults don’t need to know more than just being told their father is bisexual. That could undermine the family home and their development. I get that people like to appear progressive and supportive of unusual lifestyles but children’s psychological wellbeing should take priority

I noticed you said the area he lived before was less accepting of him being gay. Did he have to hide it? Did his parents know?

I think you're underestimating how your children will take this when it (he) eventually comes out.

Well, exactly. I’m surprised so many people find it hard to believe that a man can perform sexually with somebody he’s not really attracted to, when it is well documented that this happens all the time - for straight men - in schools, prisons, the military and other situations where there is a prolonged lack of access to women.

OP

I am interested in the financial side of your relationship. Do you pool all money? How does it work with 4 kids, you must have taken a career hit. What's the agreement when you split, regarding pensions and assets etc? Who will get the family house, what happens if someone inherits?

We use our hands on each other, we use toys on each other, we use our imaginations.

when it happens it’s transactional, you do me and I’ll do you.

Because that is the agreement we made. We want them to grow up in a house with a mum and dad who both love each other and as adults still believe they grew up in a family with parents who loved each other, which they do.

It wasn’t my idea or something I forced him into, he has alway said that is what he would always want the children to believe. Given the responses I’ve had it is clearly much more comfortable and digestible to others to believe he is Bi and not gay anyway.

What on earth are you talking about, they clearly put their children first the children are not neglected whilst they go off shagging.

What will happen if you fall deeply in love with a man and want to be together ? Will you tell him the truth about your marriage ?

I don't think there are many men who would accept the whole truth you have been telling us. So you would probably have to lie to him. What a mess.

I get from your posts that you like being different .

@dontquestion- if you are straight, why did you settle for this rather than try to find a man who’s attracted to you ? I can see why he’d want this if he wanted to be a traditional father, it not clear why you settled for so little in return. This is the only way your husband could have the traditional family, but you could have exactly the same lifestyle but with a man who’s attracted to you and romantically in love with you, why did you choose this over the better option of a man who wants you as well as wants a family?

I have to be honest and say that I feel unsure if this post is real. I do really hope it is though, because your situation @dontquestion sounds really loving and trusting. I've had terrible relationships with men, especially the sperm donor. The idea of being in a safe, trusting and caring relationship where there is none of the pressure of romantic love and sex too really makes a lot of sense to me. It sounds calm, stable and committed. I'm sure it's a very safe and loving environment for your children. It would have worked for me, I think.

I'm sorry your post has attracted so much criticism. A lot of heterosexual pairings with children are nothing short of a car crash, so I can't really fathom the judgment. I don't know why there's so much focus on your H's sexuality. I think two humans who love each other can attend to each other's basic needs without feeling repulsed. I think it could all go horribly wrong if one of the parties was actually really in love (romantically) with the other, but that really doesn't seem to be the case here.

I wondered if you ever feel that you are missing out on, or long for more, in terms of feeling desired? It sounds like your previous partners outside of the marriage may have been quite functional. I may be assuming wrongly. Is this something you might want in the future, or that could pose a threat to your marriage?

I dont think its a comfortable/uncomfortable thing for any posters tbf op. No one on here will really care that he is clearly bi.

I cant speak for anyone else but im just wondering why you obviously feel more comfortable telling yourself he is gay rather than accepting he is bi. And why he is in denial about it (unless hes not and he tells you hes gay because thats easier for you?). But thats no-ones business tbh.

Plus, perhaps churlishly, I personally find AMAs dressed up to sound more shocking and interesting than they are mildly annoying. This AMA feels the same as "im married to a vegan" and everyone finds out he eats bacon, so is not vegan at all. Waste of time reading etc.

Wow. He’s obviously a gay man. What’s wrong with people desperate to decide this man’s sexuality and decide they know more than him and his wife.

But why can’t you just do yourselves and masturbate rather than put each other through something transactional when you know you aren’t attracted to each other? I just don’t get it. It sounds awful.

You’re perfectly at liberty to feel they’ve made a loving family home filled with respect and love. I really hope you’re right. It should be equally ok for me to wonder if it’s selfish to expect children to understand their parents’ sexual needs, and how this can be managed over 30 years with the needs of children at different life stages, since the OP literally invited people to ask her anything

It's probably the way he keeps voluntarily choosing to have sex with a woman for fun. It's pretty not gay.

I do agree with you.

However, OP and her husband are not in prison, they live in a normal society where they both have access to men, so why aren't they out there having sex with people they are attracted to (which they have permission to do) as opposed to having this awkward transactional sex with each other when they apparently don’t fancy each other?

But not only are those dynamics very different, but this guy has access to men.

If a 'straight' man decided to marry and adopt kids with his gay male friend, and then repeatedly had sex with his gay male friend despite there being women available to have casual hook ups with...wouldn't you begin to wonder if he's not actually straight after all?

I have a friend who is adamant she is vegetarian and tells people ever so proudly that she doesn’t eat meat, but she will quite happily eat chicken nuggets and chicken pizza as apparently that doesn’t count 😂🙄