I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

I'm confused. If he's bi and you have sex for fun, but also have sex with other people then surely you're just in an open relationship with a bi husband?

If this is real, please plan for when your children are older. If friends know, you have got to assume the number of people who know is greater than you imagine. School can be an unforgiving place with secrets like this.

I know someone who this happened to, and he is unable to form loving relationships.

Men and boys can be physically aroused by something they don’t actually find attractive. That’s partly why men who have experienced sexual abuse can have a lot of confusion about their sexuality; although they don’t “enjoy” being sexually abused, it can cause them to have an erection or an orgasm.

My question is just why? Why would knowingly want to marry a gay man who isn't attracted to you?

You said you had bad relationships before him. Is it some sort of self preservation or protect you from real emotions? Is he wealthy and you needed someone to provide?

I just can't understand the motivation.

I really don't see the problem. 2 people who love each other and are raising children in a happy, loving home? Best get the pitchforks out because they don't fit into a norm that were comfortable seeing? Why?

I'd take love, respect and intention over many, many, many people's dysfunction, but traditional marriages.

Are either of you on PrEP? If not why not?

Are you in love with him and sexually attracted to him?

I'm actually curious about how the conversation went? Who proposed this idea first? And how did you actually go from the theoretical idea of getting married/having kids, to actually then decide, yep, let's do this?

i think you’re confused.

sex with both men and women is bi.

hes bi, not gay. My brothers gay, he’s married a man, men who sleep with both sexes are bi

Bloody hell. Why is everyone so intent on telling the OP that her husband couldn't possibly be gay. Sexualities is a spectrum, and all of us line up on different parts of that spectrum. OP's experience is NOT uncommon.

If your husband enjoys sex with you, a woman, it sounds like he's not totally gay.

Words have meanings. Gay people are not attracted to opposite sex, but same sex. Straight people are not attracted to same sex, bit opposite sex.

I'm bi, there's nothing wrong with being bi. Bi is factually what someone who enjoys sex with both sexes is, it's not an insult!

You're not in a lavender marriage. You are married to a bisexual man.

Sorry OP, I didn't realised you'd already addressed the bi issue.

I'm bi myself & I always thought straight women would just be automatically grossed our by the thought of sex with a woman. I suppose though as you say, and perhaps you are like this, some people can detach sexual pleasure from attraction to some degree.

This sounds like it to me.

In my experience, no "yes, I'm 100% straight" person has ever said they'd have sex with someone of the same sex just for fun. The only time they've said they would was if they had to. Otherwise, they'd prefer to go without! Most people I've chatted to who've said, 'oh, I'd give it a go' have considered themselves bi-curious, or heteroflexible, not wholly straight.

Frankly, if OP's husband is gay and not homoflexible or bisexual, I'm not sure why he'd unnecessarily force himself to have sex with someone he's not attracted to when he could just have a wank. It's surely not very 'pleasurable' if he's struggling to get it up and engage because he's so turned off by her body. Masturbation sounds sooooo much better to me than trying to have sex with either a woman or a man who I'm not attracted to. Like, why?

And I'm not sure why she'd want to have sex with someone who she knows is struggling to engage with her, and finds her body unappealing and undesirable, a poor substitute for a male body. Again, isn't a nice, leisurely masturbation session more pleasurable than knowing your husband is trying to 'think of England' (or rather, men) whilst doing the deed, because you're such a turn off to him??

It sounds incredibly fucked up when you break it down, honestly.

Because his sexuality is the whole basis of the thread!

Not all gay men are promiscuous, and but men can be just as crazy over sex : it's a man problem.

Broadly I agree though. There are more Down Low men than we think!

Some gay men I think who were closeted would close their eyes during sex and imagine a man. Maybe men in past times coped like that? Awful for their wife, of course.

That sounds right.

It does seem strange. I think I would understand a platonic marriage of convenience better, it's the sexual grey area that's confusing.

Interesting re your friend. I know a German gay man who got around this via coparenting with a lesbian couple (his partner was not involved though & they lived near but not together). In Germany for one, they have websites to encourage 'rainbow families' like that to connect which is a good idea imo, since there's no risk of the child wondering about their other bio parent.

Laurence Olivier was definitely into women as well though. I agree re the others.

It doesn’t matter which way you spin this, you’re not in a Lavender marriage. You’re just not.

When your youngest is 18, will you honestly be ok with it if he decides to leave and start a relationship with a man? Do you worry how that would affect your children (who I appreciate at that point will be young adults, but something like this can still have a huge impact)?