I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Did you have a big wedding?

I agree OP. This describes my gay ex husband. He always knew but married me under false pretences. Thirty years later he comes out.

No, I don’t believe I’ve ever managed to make him any less gay.

We have learnt how to sometimes do things together that can be physically pleasurable for us both.

In a prison situation the sex is not about the same thing .it’s a power control set up from a psychological perspective.

But a lavender marriage is intended to conceal the fact that the bloke is gay….

How can he have been living openly as a gay man, yet simultaneously think he’s fooling everyone into thinking he isn’t?
And why??

If I'm doing the maths right, when you have the option to split when your youngest is 18, your eldest will be 30 and you will be in your 50' / 60's? Your eldest may well have children of their own by then. Are you at all worried that they might feel "tricked" in some way by you presenting as a traditional marriage for so long to preserve the life for your youngest?

I'm another thinking that the set up sounds great if it works for you all, in that if romantic love isn't important to you. Is there a reason you decided to open the marriage rather than just commit to each other, and how do you intend to speak to the kids about relationships, love etc and deal with their questions about falling in love? The eldest can't be far from that at all.

The part i dont understand...Im probably about your age and work in the arts and have a big friendship group, none of us are married or have kids, its such a common life choice nowadays to not bother that i dont understand why I this day and age you would go through this crazy charade.
I get you both have warm feelings towards each other, I have gay friends im close to, but to go as far as having a shame marriage... I just dont get it. Not because I think there's anything wrong with it perse but because its just such a strange choice in a world where we have so much freedom.

You present this like its a cosy safe bubble but actually find it oddly soulless. I disagree with PPs who say it sounds better than many standard straight relationships. The difference is that those relationships are built on something genuine initially no matter how fleeting or fucked up it ends up becoming. Real chenistry. Something like romantic love. A sense of hope that this is your person.
Even if that turns out to be wrong and completely upside down, the initial seed of genuine human desire and emotion was there.

This is like...shopping, kind of?

I could understand it if you were40 and thinking "right, last chance saloon time".
But you signed up to this in your 20s.

It feels like you robbed yourself of the opportunity to experience the real thing.
You said you had bad experiences with men before, but you were only in your 20s. You were a baby.

I dont think this is going to be a good storytelling tell your kids when they are adults and of course they will find out. It feels bloodless and like you performed a role for them.

The thing I ubderstand least in all of this is the big gap in children's ages and the fact you have 4. I could understand having 2 maybe, 2or 3 years apart. But 4 with a 12 year age gap? Why?

I feel.like there's more to this whole situation psychologically, it feels like there are many more layers than whats been presented.

Anyway, who cares what we all think, its your life and yours to live however feels right to you. But often with these AMAs I get the sense OPs are trying to net opinions to test out their own thoughts on their situation, so now you know mine. I wish you well x

I agree it’s a performance, playing a part in a play. The children as adults will have no idea what was real or fake so everything will have to be deemed fake. Very damaging for them.

historically but I believe it can also just be a marriage of convenience when one partner is gay, correct me if there’s a better term.

We live far away ( different country) from where he was an openly gay man and was also very private. Anyone who knew about his previous relationships with men would assume he is Bi or maybe they don’t, maybe they still think he is gay and just faking it with me, nobody has ever really said.

Also, I really don't understand the "pleasurable for us both" sex. If he is genuinely gay, while he might get some pleasure from things you do to him (if he closes his eyes and thinks of Idris Elba whatever), pleasuring you must be quite revolting for him. All the gay men I know are repulsed at the thought of interacting with vaginas,m. So, either he hates it and does it for you (which can't be remotely sexy for you) or he quite enjoys it (in which case, he's not completely gay). Does he give you oral? Is it really more stimulating than masturbating for either of you? And how / when did you discover you could have sex with each other for pleasure?

Also, did you really not know any method of AI before trying to conceive??? It's been a well known method for donkeys years and if I were proposing a set up like this, the first thing I would do is to do some research as to how to go about it without having to have sex.

Thank you for being so open Op, I'm finding this fascinating!!

I think this is wonderful. You obviously have so much love and respect for each other. Who cares what other people think

So you technically have an open relationship? As in either can have no strings flings? Would you talk about it when you did or more just don't wanna know type thing?

You seem to say that your husband will never tell his children he is gay. Do you think that's true he won't and if so do you think it's fair?

Also another thought as I have read more of the comments about bisexuality which I agree with.

as stated I’m in my 50s I have a much older cousin reaching his 70s who as far as I would be aware or the rest of the world would be aware is gay. Openly gay not hidden. He is a widower now after his husband passed away, he had other long term male partners before that. I’ve seen photos from the 80s with all his wonderful male friends. Everyone I would deem gay from all of that and his stories. So 90% of his friends have all been gay or lesbian. That’s his life. All fine. But the unusual thing is he’s made it clear to me no he’s bisexual and always has been. His husband was gay, other partners have been gay, but he’s attracted to the person not the sex of the person. I have never known there to be a female sexual partner in his life so this must have been from his teenage years before I was alive.

I think you husband is the same but he has hidden it from you, that’s the only thing that makes sense to me. No gay man can say ok i am going to marry my female friend and we are going to be able to have straight sex and conceive four kids? It’s just not going to happen.

I also have two close female relations, a cousin and a niece who have only had female partners .this would be like them suddenly announcing to me they are marrying a man! I have no idea what I would think as they’ve made it clear they only like the same sex. I just wouldn’t understand.

Also as he is and was openly gay only had gay partners what on earth do all his gay friends think? . Why has he even married you. It makes no sense and it’s not a lavender marriage. A marriage where devastatingly a wife finds out decades later their husband is gay I’d that. This is not that.

Maybe its time you had a conversation...to let yourself go.
It's not so terrible having your children from split from relationships. The secret is to communicate. Our treasure is doing really well. 10 years later.

Are you living in a country where he needs to pretend? So needs a wife to match ini.

He was financially much better off than me

Yes, I think we’d all guessed that 🙄

No, we are now living in the uk.
The area he lived before was less accepting but he never had to pretend to be straight.

What things do you do that are pleasurable if not vaginal or anal sex?

Yes and we tell each when we see other people.

I believe he will say he is Bi or at the very least that he thought he was.

Why don’t you want him to say the truth that he is gay to your children when the reality is revealed? Why do you want him to pretend he is bi?

Have you considered that if 1 of your dc is gay they may have very mixed feelings at what their parents have done and may even wonder if there is a shame to being gay to the extent you have to lie about it?

Yes, in fact ICI ('turkey baster' method) is usually at least marginally more effective than intercourse.

Which you'd have known if you looked into it all...which is something I'd have thought a gay man who was repulsed at the thought of having sex with a woman would spend five minutes doing.

It all seems a little implausible, frankly.

this must mean he is bisexual not gay

Maybe he isnt gay but Bi. Either way i hope it continues to work out for you.

Absolute rubbish. History is absolutely packed full of gay men who married and fathered children while knowing they only really lusted after other men but it was forbidden and in some cases would get them killed and it still happens all the time today.