I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Yes, but then according to most posters on here he is!

why do they really need to know his full sexual orientation? As far as they will ever need to be concerned their dad may like men but he also liked their mum for a long time.
it wouldn’t be true to say he never really loved me or was never happy with me, they never need to know initimate details of our sex lives.

I can't believe how sheltered some people are.

It's not totally unheard of, especially in the acting industry.

Vanessa Redgrave's father, Michael Redgrave married, had children, and also had same sex lovers.

I think Joan Plowright admitted that her husband, Laurence Olivier, was know to have had gay lovers. I think his son, Tarquin Oliver may have talked about it in interviews about his dad.

Alan Bates is also another good example. Wife; Children; liked 'male company'.

Julia Blackburn wrote a book (The Three of Us) about her bohemian parents and how her dad, the poet Thomas Blackburn, was having a love affair with the painter, Francis Bacon.

Philip Schofield. Huw Edwards. Two recent ones... Huw Edwards has 5 children but has a thing for young men. Must have been awkward for his daughter's boyfriends...

OP, keep doing it your way. It sounds fantastic!

We have conversations with our 7 year old about how love comes in different ways not just a mummy and daddy and that it's about different people and who they love.
We don't discuss sex in detail but yes my 7 year old knows how babies come about and how his friends have become a family (parents are a guy couple).

I don't think you should keep this a secret to your children til 18 they will think their whole childhood has been a lie and how is that fair on them because you as parents had a arrangement?

Love is abstract.

Gay men are capable of loving women in many forms. Sexual attraction doesn’t equal love.

Of course people know about. But look at that list. It’s all men getting what they want, just like the husband here.
Its great that the op is in a happy marriage, and if it works for them but it seems that the husband is getting the better deal here.

But you don't think he's bi do you OP?
The lie would be yours and his, not that of posters on MN.

My thought is not about the love, you're in no doubt of that. It's that if it becomes apparent that you both knew he was gay from the outset but you told them he was bi then they will know you lied.

I speak as someone who found out something similar after the people involved were dead. I wondered why they lied and had so many questions that could never be answered.

If this all works for you then good for you.

Fortunately a large swathe of the ‘next’ generation will barely bat an eyelid and are so open and inclusive about sexuality. I doubt it will be quite the scandal some people are suggesting. Once they’ve been to uni, especially these days, they are often very liberal about gender/sexuality/identity. Each generation are more accepting than the last. Love and respect is what is important.

"Love and respect is what us is important."

Both built on truth.

Our children know love comes in many forms too. The oldest two know how babies are made and that that is how they were all made.

It is built on truth as op said below but it’s limited to the adults.

I’m wondering if you have physical affection, kisses to say goodbye, cuddles, holding hands etc? Or is the physical part just for sexual pleasure?

The kids are living their truth. Mum and dad love each other and them. It’s not age appropriate for them to know or care beyond that just now.

How could it ever become a 100% apparent that he was always completely gay and never just Bi?

The OP's set up is not really that different from lots of posters on MN who admit they married their spouse for the sake of having children and then end up unfulfilled with partners they don't really love. The OP's set up is built on the same premise but sounds a lot more honest and happier. You do you OP.

But at what point OP do you tell your children the truth? Can you not see holding it off til their 18 year olds or teenagers just makes them question everything they have known?

It's great that it works for you but that doesn't mean having an 18 year lie for your children which can send them into a spiral later on.

Respectfully OP you've just said you plan to lie to your children for as long as you can, can you see how that doesn't look good and might be devastating for them in future.

Do you want me to do the married lesbian's list?... like Virginia Woolf (Leonard was straight); Vita Sackville West; Marlene Dietrich (married, 1 child, straight husband) etc.

Plenty of women and wives getting what they want as well!

I'm fully supportive of you, OP. You have missed a question I asked earlier on. Do you ever feel you have to perform in your marriage to appear hetrosexual? If so, what form does it take? Eg Holding hands in public or sharing a hug ...or does that also come naturally out of your friendship?

We do but it’s not the same, we are both verbally quite affectionate people and it’s the same affection you would give a close friend.

We don't sit on the sofa and snog each other for fun but we do kiss goodbye, we hug, hold hands and comfort each other often.

It's not as intense as what heterosexual men feel for women. I have had intense loving feelings for women that I have never had, and could never have, for men.

For gay men, it's in reverse. So how could they experience those intense feelings for people they are not attracted to?

Yes, it comes naturally as friendship.

Not for other people but for the children it’s was always important to us for them to see us being loving and affectionate with each other, but it never feels forced or uncomfortable.

We hugged each other, kissed goodbye etc before when we were just friends and he was in another relationship as a gay man.

He's clearly bi, or homoflexible (AKA more romantically interested in men, but still open to sex with women for fun.)

With every straight person I've discussed it with, the idea of sex with someone of the same sex is actively repulsive, and vice versa for gay or lesbian people. It's not something they'd engage in unless they had to – they certainly wouldn't just do it for fun, they'd rather masturbate.

So no, your husband doesn't seem to be 100% gay.

I think it's sad to deliberately marry someone who will never properly love you in the ways a romantic partner should, and to cut yourself off from that, but I guess if you're happy, that's what counts.

I don’t feel like we are lying though, they have never asked anything and we have never had to say anything to them that is lie.

As far as they see Mummy and Daddy love each other, support each other, respect each other and are happy. That is all true.

I think OPs marriage sounds better than many other marriages.

OP, did you discuss beforehand that you’d have sex to conceive the children (and did he know that he could get aroused with a woman?) and also occasionally for pleasure, or did you go into this arrangement assuming that there’d never be sex, and the fact that sex does happen came as a surprise?