I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand, regular marriage as a whole is absolute carnage. Almost half fail, and the utter heartbreak that ensues if someone is betrayed or finds themselves trapped with a rubbish spouse is the very definition of "the juice ain't worth the squeeze." I was in an abusive marriage for quite a long time, and once you've seen the underbelly of marriage, you can't unsee it, which makes me think that gaming the system like this is an absolutely brilliant idea.

But on the other hand, I feel you've denied yourself the chance to be one of the twenty percent or so who remain happily married for a lifetime.

Hm. It's a tricky one.

Given that female fertility doesn't wait for Mr. Right to show up, and given that it can take a lifetime to find him - if ever - I think that on balance, I'm on board with this extremely practical approach. I suppose the only fly in the ointment could be if you meet that Mr. Right while the DC are still young, but since it's quite rare to meet someone truly right for us, I don't think you have to worry too much about that!

Congratulations on getting your beautiful large family and on a beautiful "working relationship" with your co-parent!

I know it takes a bit of getting your head around. But they are straight, they are not attracted to other men. But in the moment, it's a sexual situation, they know what is going to happen and can get aroused to do the deed. I guess they know it's a context in which they can get sex and they accept it and go looking for it.

Yea agree - and the divorce rate will be even higher once they are adults

in a sense OP has chosen a family set up that is far more likely to sustain them into adulthood

Mostly, we have watched gay porn together as I am also able to find that enjoyable.

No he doesn’t fulfill needs completely all the time which is why I’ve slept with other men. But he does make me feel good, he asks me what I want, he listens and he tries. I’ve been in relationships with straight men who feel sexually attracted to me but who have never asked or tried to make me feel good.

when I’ve wanted it I’ve still been able to find men who really want me and want to give me ‘a thoroughly good rogering‘

I think for now you have everything OP- kids, a life companion with mutual respect and love. Maybe what’s missing is a man who really desires you, and arouses you. I hope life still has that in store for you further down the line.

They are simply seeking sexual pleasure from each other, they’ll both do or think whatever they need to for arousal and orgasm. Anyone who says they don’t fantasise about something on occasion during sex is a liar or exceptionally vanilla.

Oops missed your 21:39 post!

Oh that did make me laugh 😂

They are small children, do you think we should tell them each time one of us has sex with someone else, that their father had sex with men?

Do parents in hetero relationships tell their school age children about their sex life?

We have actually never lied to them, they have never asked or questioned anything.

It’s not often people are so honest on MN or in life. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. My own relationship is far from conventional. It’s refreshing that some people are open minded enough to accept people who don’t want to be stuck in a box. Unsurprising there are others who are aghast and unable to comprehend that their (or society’s) ‘normal’ is not everyone’s cup of tea.
Some of the most fucked up adults I know come from ‘traditional’ or ‘nuclear’ families.
OP, you do you. Raising kids with a best friend sounds all kinds of wonderful.

sorry wrong thread

Been thinking this exact thing throughout the whole thread. Eldest 13, youngest 1? I want to know if all these pearl clutchers talk about the blow job daddy got that morning over family breakfast.

But you do intend to lie and say he is bi later on when they do ask/question?

Exactly!

it can always be justified later BUT I do think it shouldn’t be hidden - of course only if they ask or are puzzled

What lying? The children have parents who love each other and who conceived said children together. They seem to have very much made the best of a slightly unusual situation, built on real friendship and mutual agreement. I think a lot of children would quite like to be in that situation! And if they split up when the youngest turns 18, so what? Many marriages end at that point anyway, and many children have had to cope with a parent who comes leaping out of the closet at some point.

It's interesting that so many PPs frame the extra-marital relationships as infidelity, but that word suggests a layer of covertness or sneakiness that just isn't present in OPs arrangement.

If anything it sounds like an old-school, aristocratic marriage!

I'd say the only messy bit is if one of you truly falls head over heels in love with someone else, but if you've been together for 14 years then it sounds like you will probably be able to last another 18!

What advice would you give to other couples on how to have a happy and lengthy marriage?

PS I liked what you said about hetero men not necessarily being better at sex - in my experience quite a lot of men simply don't care about their partners enough to make an effort to make sex mutually satisfying.

@dontquestion We do love each other very much, he is my best friend.

It's not love though, it's friendship.

Only straight men are capable of loving women.

Arrant nonsense.

How fascinating!! Fair play OP

Romantic love is only one form of love

Utter bollocks. Freddie loved Mary.
My partner very much loves me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh don’t be ridiculous

we can all love anyone - it’s not all about sex!

It’s sad for anyone that either of you meet isn’t it. You wouldn’t be able to offer them a full relationship, they’d always have to be a hidden secret ☹️

But they aren’t looking

they feel they are busy enough raising 4 children

Indeed, my son in law loves my daughter and they are very happy.