I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

But a straight man will have both platonic love for his wife, AND romantic love. OP is missing out on that.

I do wonder why OP and her husband are living a lie though, and why they aren't just open about the fact (to everyone, kids included,) that they're just friends who love each other very much, and wanted to have a family together, but aren't romantically in love? It seems like it would be much simpler, and wouldn't risk the chance of the kids feeling like their whole lives were a lie in the future.

Fair play to you OP, I understand the decision, in a way. I have a gay close friend whose husband would love to have a baby but my friend was so close to his own mother he doesn’t feel comfortable raising a child without a present female in the home. Perhaps it’s not that uncommon?

The one thing I would say is that you’re missing out on the joy of being actively head over heels with your spouse and as someone who has had that joy for 16 years with mine, I genuinely find it brings me more dopamine/happiness on the day to day than being a parent. At the same time you knew you would be so it’s a considered sacrifice and there’s also the fact that many conventional marriages don’t have the “in love” joy anyways (I think I may be a lucky minority, based on my friends feedback).

Are you not concerned that one of these casual sexual encounters may lead to something more? Aren’t you worried about sexually transmitted disease?
Why would you not prefer to be married to a man who doesn’t want to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere?

We discussed it a lot and we both wanted to try that way, there was never any plan to do anything else sexually together though, just try and get me pregnant.

We awkwardly and very unsuccessfully tried on many occasions at the start but we figured it out and as pregnancy didn’t occur the first time we had to keep figuring it out.

Sounds like you just have a regular marriage, sorry OP 😂 Except probably you get on better than the average couple. You live as a family unit, share a bed and have sex with your husband, and have four children. At some point in the future, you may or may not have extra-marital relationships and you may or may not get divorced in a few decades. Isn't that 90% of heterosexual marriages, or ones where one or both spouses are bi?

A bit naval gazing to label it as "lavender" or focus on your husband's past homosexual encounters tbh. But the actual relationship sounds great, so if you enjoy the label, then why not I suppose!

You are completely lying and minsmalising it in your thinking (maybe for protection?)
I had a few friends mums come out when they were 14-16 and watched first hand the destruction it caused along with watching my friends go off the rails for years.

I don't question what works for you but foe your children's sake be honest about it way way way before the youngest is 18!

That's what I feel too. I have a platonic life partner and don't introduce him as a romantic partner - everyone including new neighbours / whoever knows that we are friends who are life partners, but not a couple romantically. So I'm just a bit confused about why it's not just openly that way?

Not coming from a place of judgement OP - genuinely curious what your reasons were / are?

@dontquestion why did you decide on having sex to get pregnant when you could have gone down the artificial insemination route (which you can DIY at home with a syringe).

Are you planning to go your separate ways later in life? When the children have fled the nest or finances are better?

I understand that but I agree you are in a very lucky minority.

I don’t believe I know anybody else in a long term marriage with many small children who is any happier than I am in mine and I know a lot who are so much unhappier.

This set up has got a name?! Jesus.

And when they are adults?

To quote: He’s gay - we agreed to marry and have children together for convenience knowing he was and that we would both be having sex with other men. The agreement is that we would stay together at least untill all children had reached 18. We tell them he is bi. We don’t plan on telling them everything.

You don't see that as being dishonest and also being something older teens / young adults would find upsetting?

Do you now believe that everyone is a little bit bisexual and that everyone could have fulfilling sexual relationships with either sex as long as mutual respect is present?

We decided to at least try and to be honest we didn’t know the available alternatives, it’s not really advertised.

We both thought this is how it is done so this is how we should try to do it and if we can’t then we will rethink.

I personally couldn’t do this. If it works for you then great OP but do you not want to be in love with a man and have penetrative sex with him?

Wow, can’t believe how many pages of replies telling you how your DH should be labelled I had to wade through to check if the practical questions have been asked!!

When you do meet other men do you tell them your set up? And, if so, does that mean you only ever look for no-strings sex rather than dating people who might be interested in relationships? Do you discuss your other sexual liaisons with DH, and vice versa? (I know you’ve said you’re not doing this atm but how does it work when you are?) As a pp asked, do you both have these liaisons far away from home to ensure people don’t find out?

Do you share finances, property etc or have you kept them separate, given you ultimately seem to plan to separate? Was his financial situation one of the incentives for you for marrying?

Yes there is this.

He’s bi and you’re in an open marriage. Nothing wrong with that but he isn’t be gay from your description.

Are you both incapable of using google, too? Did you think lesbians wanting children put themselves through the trauma of penetrative sex with a man with a penis in order to have children? You are either both very naive or just like the spiciness of this which makes you feel special.

I totally understand you both being to busy for other relationships just now. Me and dh have 3 kids (a teenager, 9 year old and 6 year old) and are permanently exhausted so I cant imagine how much more tiring it is having a baby to. Anyway OP thanks for answering the question. You seem to have a marriage built on honesty, respect and love thats something lots of people can only dream off.

Well...not the name the OP uses in her title 😁

I envy this 😅 It seems sex just comes parce and parcel in a relationship and I don't have any interest in it. In the past I've felt obligated even pestered to have sex and so to have a relationship where he is gay sounds so refreshing!!

What made you choose a lavender relationship?

The "turkey baster" method has existed for decades (possibly forever in some form or another....)
I am surprised you didn't know about it.

Hi OP.
I’m not sure if it’s been asked already.
How your relationship began… Did you ‘date’ or did everything go pretty quickly? Was he known in his friend group to be gay, not Bi?
Just trying to figure out how it all came about.

I get that but what if one or both meets someone else for sex and ends up wanting more?