I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Your posts are clearly heartfelt and honest and I applaud your choices. Just wondering why you came to Mumsnet knowing you were sure to be jumped on by some

1. They are devastated to find their husband is gay,
2. It's all bollocks
3. The OP is the husband

Why did you give up on finding a romantic relationship so young?

The fact you made the choice in your 20s does seem quite young to have given up on that. What motivated you to make this decision so young?

Why would it not be ok if he slept with a woman? And how can you be sure he hasn’t already?

They will find out. Very naive to think they won’t.

Good post. I cannot understand the hostility. How blessed we are to have all these sexuality experts popping out of the woodwork! FWIW I am utterly convinced my parents had a lavender marriage and frankly I don't (and didn't) give a stuff. They adored each other and that was all that mattered.

We both agreed we will stay together until our children are at least 18, I believe we will both stick by that.

Does he have to fantasise about men to become aroused to have sex with you? Does he fulfill your sexual needs?
Do you not feel you are missing out on a man who really wants you and wants to give a you thoroughly good rogering?

Yea they will sense it if nothing else - best to be honest from now and introduce the idea of a different kind of family

lots of children’s books to help explain

honesty is the best policy OP

Isn’t that very similar to what your husband is doing? The difference is that you’re complicit in his lying to your children.

I'm sorry but I find this very sad for your children. Your living a lie and what does that teach your children about healthy relationships?

I get wanting to have children and wanting someone you trust but surely you are not rose tinted glasses in how messy this is going to be to both tou and your husband down the line with divorce but also your children?!

A good friend of mine is married to a gay man. They are both very happy and have been married for over 30 years. She always hated penetrative sex so it has worked for her. They have an adopted child from Martinique. .

Her husband is great fun, slightly theatrical and she says he's her best friend. what they have is probably better than a lot of marriages and he is very kind and considerate of her. When you see them together they are both still extremely affectionate and clearly still love each other's company and make a good team.

She suspects he has casual sex with men, but it has never interfered with there relationship as he clearly loves her. He once told me that he loves women, but likes sex with men.

I supposed it is what Vita Sackville West & Harold Nicholson had, but without the lesbianism.

OP this is fascinating. So many posters have fallen into the assumption that our modern interpretation of relationships is the only ‘real’ one, but the truth is that marriages and sexuality have been far more nuanced throughout history. Many of us simply don’t fit in to the binary boxes most are assigned!

Outside of your role as parents, do you have a lot in common? Shared hobbies etc? How have you built the strength of your relationship?

He’s a good man, the best I had ever met and am yet to meet.

We had a friendship for years before we made this decision, there were lots of honest conversations and we both decided we could create a great family together, that we both wanted the same thing and we loved and trusted each other.

Isn't the hostility just people disapproving of the lying?

If hes Bi why is it a lavender marriage?

A bisexual person who wants to marry, and have an exclusive relationship have to pick a single person, a gender. So if he picked you why is it a lavender marriage?

Do you have sex beyond procreation attempts?

Will you stay married when the children are grown?

Do you love him?

Thanks

I agree your DH is gay. It is perfectly possible for a gay man to have sex with a woman and father DC. In fact, this used to be the norm for gay men before being gay was legal - and the norm also in ancient societies where being gay was fine but most men needed to marry for family and property reasons, to fulfil a duty to the state etc.
I am glad you are happy. It sounds like a good marriage in many ways.

op, to me you both sound like 2 decent like-minded best friends, family oriented with shared vision and open mind, both kind, reliable and honest with each other. Nothing “immoral”, deceitful, or too crazy ..also finding it baffling why so many here are determined to patronise you what your/your husband’s sexuality is. Your children will likely grow up in a more stable and loving home than so many conventional set ups. ( friendship not drama). 10 years, 4 children, you sound content and speak lovingly of your husband, as your best friend.. both committed to your children - so much better than my 1st marriage !! 😂
you are still young and one day you might also find the elusive romantic/passionate love ..but even if not, you have created a family that you wanted and didn’t waste years waiting for ‘the one’ . You did it your way , and I applaud you for the courage and clarity.

@gmgnts @CunningLinguist1 I loved your responses. Totally agree.

How many of our parents have sat us down and explained how their sex lives worked? Why would the OP and her DH be any different?

Thankyou, I really wasn’t expecting this response but I guess people find it hard to imagine situations outside of their own experiences.

Yes, we met as friends and we work in similar industries, have some of the same hobbies. We are each others best friends, we enjoy each others company.

I think the OP’s generation of kids are already going to be much more open minded about the spectrum of love and relationships and what that can mean. I also don’t necessarily agree with posters calling this ‘immoral’ (i know you didn’t) or that they’re necessarily lying to their kids. They are two parents who love one another and they’ve created a family. Why does Romantic love need to be the only type of love that can sustain that? When my parents split, my father raised me with his lesbian best mate, far more stable than it had been with him and my mum in a ‘traditional’ relationship.

Maybe one day when their kids are old enough they’ll go into more detail. In any case, as you say yourself, an intricate knowledge of a parent’s sexuality isn’t something most kids have or need.

More power to them i’ll say. Although maybe the dude needs to re evaluate whether he is 100% gay or bi/pan/poly/omni sexual as like many here; the gay dudes i know are repulsed by vag haha

How do you guys initiate sex if you arent attracted to each other?

Why did you decide on the "natural" method to havr children?

I completely agree.

It's one thing for OP and DH to be fine with their relationship but to lie to their children is to court confusion, betrayal andheartbreak. They should be honest in my opinion.

I get that, but it does seem like if you're both having relationships you may meet someone. A very close friend of mines dad came out as gay to the family when she was a preteen and left, I suspect her mum knew before as they remained really good friends and are still technically married, but he has a long term partner now of some 15 years and lives with him. So it's just a similar scenario I know from real life can happen, though of course I believe in their case it wasn't that he or my friends mum knew he was explicitly gay from the off. They're all great pals now and she and her brother adore both their parents.

I guess people find it hard to imagine situations outside of their own experiences

You're ignoring the fact that some of us are talking about our own experiences of your kind of lies and selfishness.

I don't think you have any right to patronise others. It seems to me that you are the one who finds it hard to imagine the impact of your choices on your children.