I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

So how are they straight men if they are having sex with other men?

I have a number of gay male friends - they could attest to the number of married men up for gay sex.

But gay men repeatedly having sex with female partners is not a thing.

If you are a man having sex with other men then you are not straight.

Well they’re not entirely straight are they, they’re bi and decided to marry women.

And you think this is going to be fine with them? OP ffs. You must know that isn't good enough.

Your parents' relationship is the model for your own future relationships. Your children are growing up having been groomed into a complete falsehood, because your relationship is not at all what you're pretending it is. Children can sense that there is something not right, something weird in their family. I did, when I was a kid. I had no idea what it was, but I knew my parents' marriage was nothing like my friends' parents' marriages, even though on the surface, everything was the same.

We don’t plan on telling them everything just that we are happy, love and respect each other which has always been true.

It depends, he stopped while we conceived our youngest, he briefly saw someone while I was pregnant and he hasn’t met anyone since they were born. Middle of our marriage he had an at least weekly arrangement for a couple of years. I believe he has always been honest with me.

@caringcarer I was thinking the same. Although their children may appreciate their stable upbringing, they may view relationships as transactional and convenient, rather than based on love and mutual attraction. My Dad adored my late Mum and she loved him deeply.

This is all so so messed up for your kids, you can’t play happy families. This is just madness.

So, why deceive them then? Why not respect your children enough to be honest about it?

What is the agreement re parenting, your career and finances? AKA with many couples, the woman takes a career hit but usually this is safe in the knowledge that the man will support her for the rest of her life. Is the dynamic the same, or different?

Hopefully yes but I know people who thought their parents were a loving monogamous couple and it mentally destroyed them when they discovered as young adults that this was not the case and they'd been lied to their whole lives. They realised that at least one of their parents was not the person they thought they were and this still hugely affected them decades later

So when they find out you've lied to them their whole lives, you're going to respond with... more lies.

I think that you've both gone into this marriage for selfish reasons, to look like the perfect family to the outside world. Or maybe because you're both too scared to look for actual relationships. But neither of you have thought about what your pretence means to the children you've brought into the world. I feel really sad for your kids. You're supposed to put them first.

don't you feel pain in your heart when he sleeps with men...how do you love him? Not as a man, but as what?

Op you talk about honesty, respect and love and link those things but it seems to stop at the adult relationship stage rather than what you extend to your dc. I agree with pp you’re not putting them first.

"Your mother and I have a very loving open marriage, children. If anyone asks, I'm bisexual and have spent years cheating on your mother. If your mother asks, I'm gay and it doesn't count. Remember: I'm the most honest person you kids have ever known. Now, before we move on and bury this forever . . . would you like further clarification on any of the lies? You're going to be telling them on our behalf for the rest of your lives, after all."

Yeah, I can't imagine how any of that would be damaging . . .

Grim! Poor kids

Will you be honest with the kids when they're older? It just seems from your updates that there's a clock ticking til they're 18, and and in the meantime you're both either living a life of (mutually agreed) convenience with some relationships based on traditional attraction outside of the marriage, and are potentially not meeting someone who might actually be someone you love romantically and in return.

Like, what if he meets a true love match or you do before both kids are 18? Would you end your marriage earlier than planned?

No, that is what I expect him to do.

I love him as a friend, a partner and father to my children.

I tend to think love was missing there

OP has lots of the qualities a lot of marriages lack

I think there can be few things so terrifying as to find out that someone you trusted is not at all who you believed them to be. It shakes you to your foundations and it can be hard to ever trust anyone again. It's like a horror movie. That's my experience, anyway.

In general I don’t have a problem with unconventional set ups where they work. If a gay person decides to marry a straight person for kids or 2 straight people marry but don’t want to have sex other than for conception - whatever floats their boat.

The problem I think comes when you add open relationship and children into the mix - that often doesn’t turn out well. However stable the relationship seems it’s only as secure as one or other of you not falling in love - which is not something people have a lot of control over even if they want to, which they may not.

Equally open relationships only tend to work when all parties are totally honest, and even then they have a super high failure rate - but I’m not convinced DH is being as honest as you think he is.

That DH is Bi to family and friends - which he claims is because they know about his past gay relationships - may equally be because they know his past straight ones as well.

I note that your username is “don’t question”. And I wonder whether you’ve come on here because subconsciously you are - thus you’re inviting us to voice the questions that you’re afraid to.

@dontquestion

You have made me think about this lady who I watched when the bbc showed one of their archive clips. She’s about 24 seconds in and I remember thinking in an era where the expectation for women was to settle down and have babies/look after the house/children that this lady’s view was really refreshing.

I wonder whether what she says resonates with you and at all? https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1AhGqpjsNh/

If your husband was out and gay and some of your friends and family know this then one day your children will find out. The truth always comes out.

Please don't let them find out after you've both died because the unanswered questions will fuck with their heads and go with them to their graves.

Yes to me this is OPs only mistake

I think they need to be honest from get go so kids grow up in the knowledge

but the kids will be hugely confused even if they are told every single little thing