I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Well yes, a straight man probably wouldn't want to live his life laying the ground for the very real possibility of leaving as soon as the kids are grown so he could pursue relationships with men, and agreeing to an open marriage in which he never sleeps with women.

In what way do you raise your children that wouldn't be compatible with a straight man?

So it's all just a lie? I would hate doing that to my children

Hmmm yes, I know someone in a genuine lavender marriage and they have never had a hint of a physical relationship.

But different strokes for different folks I guess

You've picked a man who you think is a good father, seem content, he's content, my only issue is the lie to your kids that their parents are hetrosexual and happy with each other as a regular couple, when that's not the case. However, compared to the divorce and drama I see on these forums, that might be something they get over seeing how much you respect each other.

It’s good that he’s always been open with you about his sexuality. As you married in your 20’s, I don’t fully understand why you felt that you couldn’t wait to meet a heterosexual man who was in love with you and desired you, but the main thing is that your life choices make you happy- and it sounds like they do.

I don’t believe he is especially camp, he does work in preforming arts which many might believe is a more gay leaning industry for a man but is overwise quite masculine in lots of ways.

Yes, a few do.

Your children will absolutely find out that you sleep with other people.

Also your DH is Bi not gay ffs.

Does he watch gay porn to be able to have sex with you?

What happens if you find romantic mutual feelings with a straight , free, available man who wants you forever and you him

So how will you prevent your kids from finding out?

Are you not worried about how they'll feel when they learn their parents have affairs, their dad is secretly gay (but it's only a secret to them), and that you both always planned to just pretend to be a loving, hetero couple?

You could have married and had kids together without the lies. Why didn't you? I don't understand how you could plan to do that to your children.

Not really, we both do love each other and them very much and we are happy with our lives and our decision.

We don’t argue and we support and respect each other.

This is the only disturbing thing I read - recipe for disaster if others know - it puts kids in danger of finding out later in life - not always in nice way

sound alike it would be better to be open from the get go so it doesn’t seem strange to them

@PURPLErainiswhatmadePrincegreat Yes, I think one or both of them will fall in love at some point and it’ll be very messy.

Your kids are living in the Truman Show.

Straight men having sex with other men is actually really quite common and well-documented, probably to do with the availability of partners for casual liaisons. That's why on some medical forms there's an option for "men who have sex with men," as opposed to just gay or bi men.

I wouldn’t even consider that until my children are at least 18.

OP you should check out Samantha Wynn Greenstone on TikTok. Very similar situation except they’re monogamous.

We tell them he is bi, that we always had a very happy and loving marriage and we always remain friendly and supportive of each other for the children.

Yea gay men tell you all the time!

is even go as close to say a huge amount of men married to women

How will you feel if your children get upset because they feel they've been lied to their whole lives when you tell them?

How often does he see other men?

OK I'll phrase it as a question - why are you so sure your children won't find out, and why are you so unconcerned about the impact it will have on them WHEN they do find out?

This is naive. Your husband is very likely on the apps. All it takes it for one screenshot to circulate in the wrong group. Or for one of your children to grow up and get the shock of their life in their 20s, when they discover the "older DL man" one of their gay friends is seeing is actually their own father. It happens more often than you'd think.

Do you have a plan for what happens if the truth comes out?

Hopefully they will appreciate what a happy loving home they had with parents guaranteed to be together until they are 18, and that will set them in good stead

I just don’t think you should lie about it OP if you believe in it

Hold on. Isn't this just the truth? He has sex with you, he is not gay!

Is this the sort of relationship you would want for your DC when they grow up?