I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Congrats you're Bi too then.

For straight women and gay men there is no 'but'. If the situation doesn't align with their sexuality then it's a hard No regardless of perceived benefits.

I’m not in the business of going through all of the online references and evaluating

Clearly, but it would be a good idea if you did.

You told a PP who pointed out the difference between pleasure and an unwanted physiological response: “Research doesn’t back up what you’re saying“ . But you have cited no research that contradicts that.

…gay men use condoms and know how to stay safe - just like everyone else.

So when your children grow up and discover that their parents had a marriage of convenience with infidelity on both sides, do you worry about what they will think?

Why so many?

I feel that the whole thing sounds rather transactional, and you just married someone to be a sperm donor to create your many children.

You were only in your twenties, so why couldn't you have waited until you met someone who didn't need so much cajoling to get pregnant with?

I just don't think this is true.

Plenty of straight men and women have homosexual relationships in times when that's all that's on offer - the army, prison etc. I'm sure there are some 'super straight' people who would never under any circumstances. But a hell of a lot of people would prefer any sex to none at all, especially when there are few other outlets for entertainment.

I do think it's weird for OP to be having sex with her husband when it sounds like it's hard work and they aren't at all attracted to one another. OP describes it as 'convenient' but honestly it sounds awkward and grim to me.

is this too gross but are you expected to do anal sex too?

He doesn’t sleep around with random men but we don’t have sex while he is seeing someone else and while he is he uses proper protection with regular testing.

No, I have never received anal sex from him. It’s not something that I could enjoy and he respects that.

The plan isn’t for them to find that out.

As far as they are concerned we are now happy and we love each other which is true.

Did you not have better options in your 20s than marrying a gay man, @dontquestion ?

Do you live under a rock? MSM have massively higher risks if STIs than any other demographic. Bisexual men are a big source of new HIV infections to women.

And condoms do not protect against all STIs, including HPV and herpes. They do not offer full protection against anything else, they just substantially reduce the risk.

Thats why they’ve moved from saying “safe sex” to “safer sex”.

No, I’m not expected to do anything.

Plenty of straight men and women have homosexual relationships in times when that's all that's on offer- the army, prison etc.

But OP and her husband weren't in prison or the army. They were both free and single and she, at least, was young. They chose to enter a sexual and life partner relationship together and to maintain that sexuality. And while I won't pretend homophobia doesn't exist, it's certainly an option nowadays to be openly gay, marry a same sex partner and so on. This wasn't borne of necessity, so to speak. It was a free choice.

And for some reason (I've suggested a few, OP hasn't responded) they both have a need to believe he's gay.

So what is the plan? Wait for the youngest to turn 18 and then sit them all down together and tell them?

Does proper protection include PreP and condoms?

Does he wait three months after finishing with a man to test for HIV?

Oh my god.

Do you think that you're going to be able to keep it a secret forever, OP? Because you won't. The truth always comes out.

I have a friend whose parents were in a similar marriage to yours, also with lots of kids. They all found out, of course. There were rumours even when the kids were at school, which was obviously quite disturbing for them. My friend went NC with his parents. I don't know if he ever got back in touch with them, but it certainly fucked him up. The whole thing of having the rug pulled from under your feet - what you thought was real and safe turning out to be a massive lie. People don't get over that stuff, OP.

Is you DH camp/does he come across as gay to the general public?
Do any of your friends/family know the truth?

Sorry, but I agree with the other posters saying your husband is bisexual. He may have a preference for men, but the fact that he's having sex with you for his own pleasure means he's not gay. Sex is a lot more than just "physical touch" - it involves the whole body. He can't turn away from the fact that you're a woman, while he's actively pleasuring you.

I'm sure he told people he was gay when he was dating men, because bisexuality is less accepted on the dating scene. Maybe he wanted to keep it simple. And it does sound like he married you mostly for companionship and children. Yours is a marriage of convenience, in many ways. It sounds like he wanted the freedom to sleep around, with the benefits of being married. And because he's attracted to men, telling you he's gay and keeping his indiscretions solely to men, seemed like the best way to achieve that. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. But I'm willing to bet he's having a lot more sex with other men than you are, in this arrangement. And I think you should be open to the possibility he also sleeps with other women.

Gay men can get no strings sex very easily. They're not sentimental about it. There is really no need for him to seek pleasure from you, if he's not that way inclined. You keep talking about how honest he is with you, but it doesn't seem that way. I'd be incredibly wary of a man like this.

That’s what we both wanted, a big family.

it is quite transactional in someways, that’s why I referred to it as a lavender marriage.

im sure I could have easily found a straight man who would be willing to get me pregnant, I am yet to encounter another man who I think could be as good a father or would agree as greatly on the way we live our lives and raise our children though.

The gay men I know ( one my best friend) could absolutely not have sex with a woman. He’s bisexual.

Yes, it is weird, I agree.

I was simply pointing out that all the pp saying 'gay men would never shag a woman' or vice versa are misinformed on that score.

Who the hell knows what's going on in this marriage, though.

I’m impressed that you have managed to have 4 children op when many straight married women can’t.
How do either of you manage to see other people?
Do you make sure you meet up far away from where you live or in hotel rooms for example. I’m thinking in terms of making sure nobody who you know sees you. Otherwise I imagine that could make things complicated if someone who knows your dh sees him with another man.

When you list all what you require and I think of all the posts on here - women struggle to have all that all lot of the time

OPs relationship sounds to me a lot more committed than a lot of marriages - and honest

BUT I am also intrigued why you didn’t wait for love match

and btw everyone marriage for romantic reasons is a fairly new concept - it used to be economic

I am very liberal and actually can love a gay man as a human being and like him as a man....but how do the penetration works....for hygiene purposes he has to test his penis many times

No questions - but good for you OP. You both sound happy and this sounds like a loving, stable relationship for your children.