I turned down induction at 41 weeks. 6 days later my baby was stillborn. AMA

[willowwonder]

This happened over a decade ago now, so while it isn't raw and I am happy to answer questions - please be kind and remember I am a real person.

The background is this was my first pregnancy. I was in my 20s. I did an online hypnobirthing course which presented induction as a thing to be avoided at all costs. As I approached and then passed my due date, I saw a lot of info online around how a full term pregnancy is anything up to 42 weeks. I read stories of women declining induction and some even having their babies at 43+ weeks.

So when I had my 41 week midwife appointment, I was quite relaxed about declining induction. It was presented to me in a very optional way too - I think she said "we can book you in for induction now, or wait and hopefully it will happen naturally in the next few days". So I didn't feel like I was staunchly refusing medical advice.

I think that the bigger contributing factor was that I never had any continuity of care, the midwife at that appointment was one I had never seen before. Maybe something could have been picked up if I was being cared for by someone who knew me?

Saying that - obviously if I had been induced at 41 weeks, my daughter would likely have lived.

Asking this kind of question this sort of way (no expressing condolences etc) is awful.

Im very sorry OP.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and thank you for posting this. I was a delivery suite midwife for 20 years. Induction in the past was offered at Term + 14 if there were no risk factors at mum’s request; but mostly Term + 10 with USS offered if mums wanted to delay induction. My own labour was induced at Term + 10. I’m sure this offers you no comfort given the loss of your baby, but these were our guidelines. Ultimately you can only make decisions on advice that is given to you. I hope you were treated kindly during this awful time for you. xx

I couldn’t have expressed this better. Lovely response x

Thank you.

I basically just carried on as normal, and suddenly one day there were reduced movements, which is when I went in. I didn't for one minute think she would have died. I just thought things had changed and she needed to come out soon. I said in a previous reply, I think what I was feeling that day of 'reduced' movements was her body moving as I moved, not her moving. I think she must have died at some point in the night. I phoned and was told to come to clinic to be checked. The midwife there couldn't find a heartbeat and so I was sent off to hospital. I was worried at this point, but ridiculously, I still didn't think she would have died.

At hospital I went to the wrong place and there was a bit of confusion and a delay and then eventually I was seen. They brought a machine in to scan me, and the dr actually told the student who was there that the baby's heart was not beating - they didn't tell me directly. And I think maybe shock or something, but I didn't fully understand. I thought maybe it was ok because she still had the placenta. I know that sounds stupid, but I just feel like I would have really benefitted from someone looking me in the eye and saying the words 'your baby has died'. Because it took me a while to catch on.

Then I was sent home because they had no beds. And I was left for 2 days, with no phonecall or anything, until my mum rang and demanded I be let in and induced immediately.

After that point, everyone was lovely and I was well looked after.

That's sounds traumatic @willowwonder and I expect you were in shock hence finding it hard to process what was happening.

I'm sorry you had to go through that happening but glad you have 3 lovely children now.

I'm so sorry, OP. Have you had any therapy or counselling to help with this?

I'm really sorry to hear this, it must be devastating

In terms of what you could have done, hindsight is the only 20/20 vision, so there's just no point in thinking you could/should have done differently
If it were that simple, the medical staff would know when to tell you to induce - they don't know because nobody does
Inductions often cause more difficult and painful births (I've experienced both) so waiting for natural labour to start is a perfectly reasonable thing to do too
It would be different if you'd gone against explicit medical advice but you didn't

PS I don't know why I don't have full stops on this site I hope it isn't too annoying to read

I hope today isn’t too hard for you. Thank you for sharing your story.

Would you like to share a memory about your baby? Mothers know their babies before they are born. Did your baby have hiccups in the evening? Or poke you in the ribs? Or respond to loud music in the cinema? If you want to, you can share a little of what your baby was like. But only if you want to.

I’ve responded with flowers to your last post, but was really feeling more of a 🤯😱😨🤬

I’m appalled that you had to go through that on top of losing your baby.

I do not have any advice or really anything to say but I could not just read your posts and walk away without saying anything. You have survived something so awful and I send my love and condolences to you. I am so sorry for your loss 💐

Yeah, mixed feelings about that kind of thing.

So with my next baby after her I was induced at 37 weeks, and it wasn't a very nice experience. I felt like I wasn't really involved and it was something that was done to me.

Then I had another daughter a few years after that. After my son's birth I wanted a middle ground. I obviously wasn't going to go 41 weeks + but I thought an induction at 37/8 weeks was a bit much.
I did hypnobirthing again, but with a family friend so she knew the history and everything was tailored to me. I opted for close monitoring from 38 weeks. I went in every few days, had scans and checks. I got to my due date, and then went in at 2 days over to be induced. I had a really lovely birth with her. Used my hypnobirthing techniques and it was very positive.

With my last baby, I did a generic online hypnobirthing refresher and it annoyed me so much. There was all this nonsense about fear around birth stemming from seeing women lying on their backs screaming in Coronation Street. It made me so angry. Women don't fear birth for superficial reasons. We fear birth because it is a vulnerable time and so many things can go wrong. I feared birth because my baby died before. Then there was this woman on the screen dismissing things, and again being so negative about induction. I understand unpleasant inductions because I had one with my son. And I understand that it can lead to a cascade of intervention, as they call it. But I'll take that over my first experience any day. I was lucky to find a nice middle ground with my 3rd baby and get that positive birth.

Oh my last baby was born by c section after midwives raised concerns around her heart rate when I was 39 weeks. I was happy with that experience too. I felt really well cared for. My midwife was so on the ball, and obviously we don't know for sure, but I feel like her noticing and raising a concern probably saved my youngest.

Good question!
I don't know. I think when it happened to me I was really scared to say anything to people about it because I felt like I had made this terrible choice and killed my baby, and everyone would judge me, and I didn't deserve to have a baby, etc. I honestly don't know how much my friends and family at the time knew. I don't know if they thought I was never offered induction, or if I declined or what.

I obviously have pangs of guilt, but for the most part I am at peace with it all. We make the decisions that we think are right. I know that I didn't set out to hurt her. I mostly see it as a terrible accident I think. But I do hold myself accountable as much as I need to, which to me means remembering to make sensible choices around my children.

There seems to be a lot in the news at the moment about this kind of thing. I just wanted to talk about it I guess.

And thank you for asking about my daughter. She was so perfect. She has lots of dark hair, and a face just like mine.

I'm so glad you have your other three children and also had some positive birth experiences. I was induced at 40+3 because of reduced movement, with the induction originally scheduled for two days after that. I often have a cold sweat thinking what might have happened if I had waited for that instead of going in again as her safety was indeed compromised. The impact on my mental health was significant, but not in the way birth trauma is normally presented, as being due to a lack of care or control or consent etc - it was because my baby nearly died, purely and simply that. There was research fairly recently that highlighted maternal fear of infant mortality has not been studied at all in birth trauma. Hopefully that has changed by now - as you say, we don't have fear for superficial reasons. I hope your after care was through and supportive.

Thank you so much for talking about this 💜

I’m so sorry for your loss @willowwonder and think it is brave of you to come and speak about your experiences. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you acted outside of sensible and normal parameters around induction. The failing was in the care you received or lack of it as you approached and went past your due date.

Did you carry a lot of trauma into your next pregnancies? Did it affect you as a parent after?

I was 37 and 41 when I had my babies, with a history of recurrent miscarriage and had had IVF in the past too, although then managed to conceive unassisted. I was always deemed high risk, always consultant led, and always told that induction would be offered to me at 39 weeks both times if birth didn’t occur spontaneously before.

Even then I had really poor continuity of care, and the pregnancy in between my babies I lost at 17 weeks having had no personalized care at all because the recurrent miscarriage unit had been redeployed due to Covid.

I did accept induction at 39 weeks. With my daughter it never happened as a fast and spontaneous labour happened. I accepted it with my son, my body went a bit bonkers and got stuck on one continuous contraction pretty soon after the inital
meds. A gut feel made me track down someone to check on me (still a weird covid time) and found the baby was in distress. 19 minute later he was in my arms after an EMC! He’d had a true knot in his cord. I was haunted for months by the fact that he may well have died in a spontaneous labour or even before due to the knot having tightened.

I'm very sorry for your loss. 💐
Thank you for doing this AMA, because it may help other women. I had an induction and it was an awful process, so I do sympathise.
I'm glad you got 3 healthy babies, but what an ordeal.
Don't blame yourself for your baby's death. Perhaps talk to someone about it?

I’m so sorry for your heartbreaking loss.

Are the three children you’ve had since aware of what happened? Do you speak about her/ wonder about her as a family? Do you mark her birth date or prefer not to? Did you stay in a relationship with her father? Was there anything anyone did for you afterwards that sticks out as especially kind or thoughtful?

Thank you for sharing your story and I hope these questions are ok to ask about.

I think its really brave that you are speaking about this as it seems to have become a popular topic on tiktok lately about women refusing induction against medical advice due to things that they have read and seen online i think this needs to be spoken about more

I'll try to come back this evening to answer anything more. Thank you to everyone for being so kind. I wasn't sure how it would be, so thank you.

I’m so sorry for your loss!

I just want to echo others that you really shouldn’t feel guilty. Unless there were other factors you haven’t shared, declining an induction at 41 weeks with your first baby is not at all an unusual thing to do. For my son, because it was an uncomplicated pregnancy and my first birth, my midwife said their normal advice was to schedule an induction for 41+5. This was because their priority was not going over 42 weeks, so it gave some wiggle room. Absent any concerning symptoms, they weren’t at all worried about me being over 41 weeks.

Did you have any mental health support after the birth? (I ask because I’m in the early stages of accessing perinatal mental health support myself.)

You're like a warrior woman.

I think there is too much pressure on women around pregnancy and childbirth and raising babies. It would have made me angry too having other people try to tell women why we might fear childbirth for superficial reasons. The fear is very logical actually.

NCT have been mentioned in this thread and I found them to be too prescriptive and judgemental about things like breastfeeding.

Im so sorry for your loss. Thats awful you were sent away after such devastating news at the scan. I can't imagine how difficult that was.

Was your partner in agreement not to induce at 41 weeks?

I am so sorry. A girlfriend discovered her baby had died suddenly at 38 weeks. I can’t imagine the shock and heartbreak. 💐

I'm so sorry. I had a daughter born at 42 weeks, another at 41 +5 and a son at 42 +2. You were unlucky (maybe not a big enough word, but it was not your fault- some women gestate longer and that can be okay). I really feel for you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. For what it's worth, I would have made exactly the same decisions you did

I also have friends who were persuaded to have inductions that precipitated a whole raft of further interventions, resulting in a lot of trauma and less than positive outcomes - and who's to say what would have happened if things had been left to take their natural course instead?

All I'm trying to say is, we can never be certain where a particular course of action (or inaction) is going to lead, and nobody should be berated for making what they believed to be the best choice.