I am child-free by choice. AMA.

[DogWater]

I'm a 40 year old woman, and child-free by choice.

AMA.

It’s interesting to read your answers just because I suppose my own personal experience was of thinking life was pretty fab, full-filling career, friends etc but there are no words to describe how much better (yes and harder) life is with my children in it. So looking at it from the narrow view point of my own experience I feel really sorry for you to miss out on it. However, I also think there are plenty of people who absolutely should not be parents so good thing if they recognise that.

So I guess my question is, is there an element of thinking you would not be a good mum that has helped make your decision or is it purely a case of not wanting kids because you feel they would negatively impact your own life?

That’s so rude!!

Is there an element of thinking you would not be a good mum that has helped make your decision or is it purely a case of not wanting kids because you feel they would negatively impact your own life?

I've always come at it from the impact on life, I've always prioritised my needs and desires above all else in making life decisions. I've never even considered what sort of mother I'd hypothetically be to a non-existent child.

It's like asking me what my style of snowboarding would be if I were to come a professional winter sports athlete - It's not something I'm interested in and it's never going to happen so I've never given it any headspace.

So looking at it from the narrow view point of my own experience I feel really sorry for you to miss out on it.

Highly U as this will probably sound, when I see people with kids - regardless of whether they appear to be having fun - my first instinctive feeling is sympathy that they don’t get to have their home all to themselves with a cat.

Even while I’m thinking that I remind myself that this is purely my viewpoint and that they’re probably (hopefully) very happy as they are.

Will you baby sit for me??

Do you happen to have a time machine so I could go back and make the same decision as you?

Do you have friends with kids? If so, would you say your general wellbeing is in a better place than them?

Because it’s important for people to be open and honest about this subject.

For so long it has just been drilled into young women especially that their only purpose in life is to create children which leads to a lot of women feeling trapped, not being financially independent, staying in miserable situations and having children when they may not have actually wanted them.

Society told us that’s what we were made for but now people are more open about it people are making more independent decisions around it.

You could say that about any given thread on Mumsnet.

Why does anyone care about Julia on Mumsnet moaning that her husbands cheated again if they don’t know her?

Why does anyone care that Beth from Glasgow is having trouble getting her three year old to sleep through if they don’t know her?

If your way of thinking was valid there would be no point to any thread on here.

'Why do you think anyones cares?'

Because some people really do! We have all had experiences of being berated / shamed / told we will regret it, we're selfish etc. I know that lots of people don't care, but it's really disingenuous to pretend that all parents are super chill about some women being childfree

Op do you have a partner? Do you live alone?

Yes, I have a partner.
No, I don't live alone.

Happy with him?
He presumably also never wanted children or does he have any from a previous relationship?

Unfortunately I don't have a time machine [yet]

Yes, I have friends with kids. I would say that generally my wellbeing is in a better place than them, yes. But a couple of my friends with kids seem to thrive off the stress and chaos that young children bring 🤣 It's not a lifestyle I'd want but I can't imagine them particularly enjoying the mania-free life that I have either!

How far in to dating your DP did you discuss children or not?

Really happy, yes.

He doesn't have kids from another relationship. He's pretty "meh" about kids.

He grew up assuming he'd become a dad because that's the norm and his parents (his mum particularly) have some strange ideas about child free people. But he didn't actively want them and is very happy with a child free life.

How old is he?

I don't think we ever really discussed it as such. I mean we didn't sit down and have "a talk" about it. I've always very clear and open about never wanting children so I guess it must've just come up in conversation at some point. I don't know when though.

He's 41.

Because a man aged 41 being “meh” about having children would worry me because to me that indicates… there’s a latent desire. He has decades left to procreate after all . No one is “meh” about having children

How long have you been together?

What is your view on marriage?

It doesn't worry me at all.

In your shoes, as a woman who definitely absolutely does not want children and indeed pretty soon won’t be able to have children, to have a 41 year old partner who is “meh” would be a concern to me. But I’m not in your shoes!

Been together 18 years.

I hate the idea of marriage, but reluctantly did it because it makes life easier. It means nothing to me. Very few people know we're married and I often forget we are too 🤭

You could argue that having children narrows your world.

Maybe we have different interpretations of "meh"

I mean DP's basically un/disinterested in having children. I think he'd reluctantly acquiesce if I said I really wanted them but would much prefer life without them. We have a wonderful life that we both love and he knows a kid would absolutely blow that up.