I am child-free by choice. AMA.

[DogWater]

I'm a 40 year old woman, and child-free by choice.

AMA.

🤣 thanks for your amazing concern

Let's not pretend you weren't trying to make op worry her husband will dump her to breed it was very transparent

My dad thinks I'm great but I was born in the 80s when there was really very little to do and everyone else was breeding to the nines so there was limited scope for a social life

Oh no concern for you @Fragmentedbrain .

Your dad thinks you’re great. Good to hear.

Mm hm. Well, enjoy your life choices.

I most definitely read it that way too. And I don't think it is a valid concern. A partner can leave you for any reason, even when you have kids. That is no reason to have a child you don't like or not enjoy the life and partner you have for now. People are allowed to leave for any reason. Even OP could change her mind randomly (not saying that she will) and her partner could leave.

Cheers, appreciated

What the bloody hell is happening 🤣

I'm not remotely concerned about DP randomly deciding he wants a kid.

I think the suggestion that DP will change his mind and leave is an age-old tactic for devaluing women's child free life choices (ie suggesting that our relationships are precarious and we're hanging onto men by the skin of our teeth until their natural fathering instincts kick in and they head off to find a real woman).

Little to do in the 80's? Really?

You see I used to think like you when I was younger until I watched the TV show Who Do You Think You Are, and then I felt it quite profoundly. My ancestors and I have contributed to that. Of course this wasn’t the deciding factor to have DC but it felt relevant.

I get that. I'm really interested in family history. But I don't feel any obligations to past or future generations, certainly not enough to live (what I'd see as) a horrendously sub-optimal life for the sake of some idea of blood line or ancestral link.

Totally agree.

And I know my husband inside out. I've been with him 20 years. He categorically will not suddenly want kids with someone, enough to leave me.

I don't care if posters know someone who that happened to. That relationship was clearly more precarious than mine.

Or are we also allowed to say "You just wait, you might think your husband's enjoying being a dad, but I promise one day he'll regret having kids with you. You're just too naive to realise it now".

Family history is fascinating. My childfree great-aunt’s given me her photos & I treasure them. Passing them on made her very happy too.

I’m glad my brother & SIL had kids because I know my parents loved being grandparents, but nothing on earth for me could be worth sacrificing years of my life to parenthood.

Absolutely. And DP suddenly changing his mind and leaving me isn't just about what he'd gain (a child he's randomly just decided he wants), but also what he'd lose (me - I'm a catch 😂 - and our lovely life together).

The latter does happen quite commonly though- so many threads on here about fathers leaving, cheating or just generally checking out of family life.

Family history and ancestry don’t interest me in the slightest and I’ve no interest in contributing to a family tree or perpetuating the family line.

Neither I nor any of my siblings can name a single one of our 8 great-grandparents. We are all forgotten in the end, whether we are parents or not, and appearing as a name on a family tree doesn’t keep us or our memory alive in any meaningful way, in my opinion.

Family history and ancestry don’t interest me in the slightest and I’ve no interest in contributing to a family tree or perpetuating the family line.

Neither I nor any of my siblings can name a single one of our 8 great-grandparents. We are all forgotten in the end, whether we are parents or not, and appearing as a name on a family tree doesn’t keep us or our memory alive in any meaningful way, in my opinion.

In a broader sense we are all ancestors of those who come after us. If my bones were dug up thousands of years in the future I would still be considered an ancestor regardless of whether I had procreated or not.

I have children and I don’t give a flying f*ck about my family ancestry and continuing my family line.

I had children because I always deep in my bones always wanted them, and I bloody love having them. I love being a mum. I love the caring side, I get a genuine kick out of making sure my kids are fed well, comfortable, happy, organised relaxed home, having their friends over etc etc. I love being in my kitchen cooking for my teens as I listen to them talk between themselves about stuff I have squat all idea about. I could go on.

I was born to be a mum really. And conversely, I completely appreciate that many weren’t born to be a mum. Not only do I completely appreciate it but I’m completely disinterested in the particulars behind that decision just as I imagine they are to me. The very notion of asking someone “why didn’t you have kids” in RL and probing them and being as dumb questioning as the OP’s friend about “adult life without children”…. Unfathomable to me.

Each to their own. Worrying about who’s going to look after you in old age or whether the family line will continue didn’t even remotely feature in my desire for children!

Do you ever see parents & children, the way a young child just absolutely adores their mum, and experience feelings of missing that? That sort of deep, biological unconditional level of attachment & sense of being someone's whole world.

I was never very interested in children but my own are different and experiencing that love has been transformative.

I used to foster cats before adopting.

It sounds kind of like the feeling when a very nervous cat finally decides to come out & let you stroke them, & you know this might be the first time they’ve ever trusted someone that much.

And even more like the heart-swelling when the cat I finally adopted curls up next to me & falls asleep, or even lies on her back & stretches her throat out for me to stroke, with complete trust.

But even when I see how happy mums & children are together I still feel no envy at all.

i can’t remember my children when young showing me out in public how much “they absolutely adore” me

Personally I feel a bit sick at the needy nagging millstone energy.

I also find it creepy how much some people need to be adored by someone who lacks the context to know any better (yet).

Also as an adult I know many of my peers are kind of hopeful our parents will shuffle off soon because it's really depressing to think about.

Not at all.

Even just reading that makes me feel incredibly claustrophobic.

@DogWater- I don’t have any questions that haven’t been answered but am pleased you started this as it’s been really interesting.

I’m also relieved that there seems to be a shift towards not having children being seen as a choice. Previously it’s felt like there’s a huge expectation on people, from society and family, that they would have them (and being a grandparent was a right, not a privilege).

I always knew I did want children (was always ambivalent about the DH/DP part!) but also knew women who didn’t really want them, but had them because of the weight of expectation. Nowadays they’d be more likely to choose not to which is great.

I’m not sure I’m expressing this very well - I’m just glad that my own adult children won’t feel the same expectation to pro-create.

edited - to try and make it make sense!

No wonder adults are so bereft when the child leaves home and wants their own life!!

Having children for that reason is extremely selfish if you ask me.

But that’s just because a kid needs someone to look after them and you provide the care and comfort. As soon as they grow up and don’t need you as much, that adoration towards you wanes. Yes they will still love their mum but not to that clingy need of a child.
You get the same level of love and attachment off a puppy when you take over as its care giver after it’s been weaned.

Kids often grow up and don’t want anything to do with their parents once they reach adulthood. Dogs don’t do that. You are a dogs whole world for the whole if it’s life. They don’t get bored of you in the way kids do.

Humans are fickle, after all.