Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AMA

I am child-free by choice. AMA.

230 replies

DogWater · 12/08/2025 08:40

I'm a 40 year old woman, and child-free by choice.

AMA.

OP posts:
KPPlumbing · 12/08/2025 17:55

Someiremember · 12/08/2025 17:41

Because a man aged 41 being “meh” about having children would worry me because to me that indicates… there’s a latent desire. He has decades left to procreate after all . No one is “meh” about having children

We've been together 20 years and haven't had them because we have both always been "meh" about kids - neither loving the idea or strongly repelled by it. If DH had said he MUST have kids for life to feel complete, I probably would have ended up having one for the hell of it and doing a perfectly good job of it. And likewise the other way round if it were my calling and not his. We both quite simply can't be arsed and are very much "meh", and are now in our 40s!

DancingInTheBroadDaylight · 12/08/2025 17:57

I think the people more in danger of being lonely in their dotage are those who expect their adult children to be their entire social network, and then are disappointed by their children having their own lives, rather than those without children who have built their own network of their peers.

Fragmentedbrain · 12/08/2025 18:02

love the poster above trying to instill anxiety about meh husbands

One of my friends had a meh husband. They now have two kids and he works late every single night (she's works too it's just he hates being with the kids so nights are her problem).

Turquoisesea · 12/08/2025 18:14

I can see some posters on here getting so defensive about OPs choices, why does it matter to anyone else. I’ve got DCs and was out at the weekend with 3 friends all similar age (late 40s, early 50s). None of them have children for different reasons, one is very much in the “never wanted them” camp, they all have partners. Their lives are full and they are happy as I am with my DCs. We are all individuals at the end of the day and that’s fine. I don’t care if my friends have DC or not as we were friends before. I don’t feel more superior or less than because I’ve made a different choice. I think it’s great you know what you want OP, better that then having DCs and then regretting it.

PeanutPies · 12/08/2025 19:37

@DogWater i applaud you - I think you have made a great decision. I wish I had the courage to do the same without succumbing to social pressures.

Someiremember · 12/08/2025 19:45

DogWater · 12/08/2025 17:50

Maybe we have different interpretations of "meh"

I mean DP's basically un/disinterested in having children. I think he'd reluctantly acquiesce if I said I really wanted them but would much prefer life without them. We have a wonderful life that we both love and he knows a kid would absolutely blow that up.

That’s not meh

He doesn’t want children

Someiremember · 12/08/2025 19:45

PeanutPies · 12/08/2025 19:37

@DogWater i applaud you - I think you have made a great decision. I wish I had the courage to do the same without succumbing to social pressures.

Do you have children @PeanutPies ?

jumpingthehighjump · 12/08/2025 20:04

If you haven't had children and have no desire for them, it is completely impossible to explain or put into words what they can bring to your life.
Mine are now adults in their 30s and my life is so so rich with them (and their families) in it.

Of course totally your decision, a brave one in my opinion, that doesn't mean I can understand it, I just cant but that doesn't matter!

DogWater · 13/08/2025 08:24

jumpingthehighjump · 12/08/2025 20:04

If you haven't had children and have no desire for them, it is completely impossible to explain or put into words what they can bring to your life.
Mine are now adults in their 30s and my life is so so rich with them (and their families) in it.

Of course totally your decision, a brave one in my opinion, that doesn't mean I can understand it, I just cant but that doesn't matter!

Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not being goady at all. But why do you understand the decision not to have children as 'brave? I've never come across people thinking of child freedom like that and I'm really curious.

OP posts:
jumpingthehighjump · 13/08/2025 08:43

I mean it's brave to talk about it on here, a parenting forum.

Also, It is a societal expectation so brave in that context too. It is far easier to fall into motherhood, than not, I would imagine.

Someiremember · 13/08/2025 08:47

What were “all the questions” your friend was asking about your childfree life?

DogWater · 13/08/2025 10:05

Someiremember · 13/08/2025 08:47

What were “all the questions” your friend was asking about your childfree life?

About everyday, mundane life - what our evening routine looks like, for example.

About holidays - how we choose somewhere unconstrained by children's needs.

About work - basically am I being fucked over because I'm expected to cover parents.

We also got to chatting about retirement plans which look very different for the both of us so being child free also factored into that a bit.

OP posts:
Someiremember · 13/08/2025 10:15

DogWater · 13/08/2025 10:05

About everyday, mundane life - what our evening routine looks like, for example.

About holidays - how we choose somewhere unconstrained by children's needs.

About work - basically am I being fucked over because I'm expected to cover parents.

We also got to chatting about retirement plans which look very different for the both of us so being child free also factored into that a bit.

Take it you are new friends?

KPPlumbing · 13/08/2025 10:25

About work - basically am I being fucked over because I'm expected to cover parents

I'm surprised anyone would think not having kids could possibly be a burden when it comes to work. You're completely unconstrained by caring responsibilities.

You can essentially have the career of a man! That's how it's gone for me!

BrassOlive · 13/08/2025 10:54

ConflictofInterest · 12/08/2025 09:59

I'm one of those unimaginative people so I hope this isn't offensive, I don't intend it to be and I'm not sure how to phrase this as a question but to me the part of your lives where you have dependent babies and children to care for is so brief compared to the bigger picture of having a family network of adults who support each other, share traits and family history and have a deep emotional connection to one anothers identity. I find it hard to understand not having children because you don't like babies/kids. My grandparents are in their 90's, their children are in their 60's, their grandchildren are in their 30's and 40's, we are all really close, it seems so short-sighted to me to say you didn't want children in the sense of dependents, did you make your decision in terms of not wanting to create a network of close relatives, rather than just not wanting to create temporarily small dependents or is your thinking primarily short term?

This is a really good, thoughtfully crafted question. I'm also child-free by choice and for me personally I can say I have considered that bigger picture.

Whilst there is something attractive about the big network of adults that you describe, I know from my experience of being an adult within my own extended family that those relationships aren't always rosy or easy.

Even where the wholesome interconnected family network is entirely healthy and functional, so often it seems like the mothers in particular have had to sacrifice so much for the happiness of the wider family. They're doing the lions share of raising the kids, caring for elderly aunts/ uncles/ parents, then when they become grannies they're caring for various grandkids - the hard slog isn't just for a few short years when the kids are small, it seems unrelenting from where I'm sitting!

Obviously I won't dodge those responsibilities entirely (nor would I want to), but I feel like choosing to have kids would be opting into a whole world of pain and stress that I just don't want (I say 'pain' because I imagine I'd love them so much that I'd feel their every upset/ loss/ failure/ heartbreak/ set back more deeply than my own!).

That said I have a disabled sibling whose care I'm involved with and for who I will take on more responsibility in the coming years. So maybe I'd have more bandwidth for motherhood if that wasn't a factor, who knows.

Excellent question though.

DogWater · 13/08/2025 11:08

We've been mates since school

We see each other every few years and we don't speak much in between

When we get together, we talk about anything and everything. We ask and tell each other things we'd never share with anyone else. It's an odd relationship but incredibly nourishing, like mutual therapy 😂

OP posts:
KPPlumbing · 13/08/2025 11:08

My grandparents are in their 90's, their children are in their 60's, their grandchildren are in their 30's and 40's, we are all really close

For me, and I guess the circles i move in - for better or worse - these age gaps just aren't very typical or realistic.

It's more like - you have your first baby at 38/40 when your own parents are 75 and starting to experience quite a few health issues and are certainly not in good enough health to be really active and involved, and your grandparents are already gone.

DogWater · 13/08/2025 11:12

KPPlumbing · 13/08/2025 10:25

About work - basically am I being fucked over because I'm expected to cover parents

I'm surprised anyone would think not having kids could possibly be a burden when it comes to work. You're completely unconstrained by caring responsibilities.

You can essentially have the career of a man! That's how it's gone for me!

She was meaning more whether I'm expected to cover work of parents who have flexible working or work part-time or duck out suddenly for childcare issues. Or whether I have to take holidays around school holidays that parents want off.

The industry I work in (academia) isn't set up like that anyway. On the few occasions where it's been assumed I can do things because I'm child free, I've just said "no" because academia is autonomous enough to do that.

OP posts:
Cherrytree86 · 13/08/2025 11:16

@DogWater

what if your husband suddenly decided tomorrow he wanted a child, Op? You

KimberleyClark · 13/08/2025 14:33

DogWater · 12/08/2025 09:01

I wouldn't say there's any particular experiences or things that've triggered a sudden "levelling up". I'd say its more of a gradual evolution into a fully confident, competent, and content adult.

I hope that makes sense!

Perfect sense!

DogWater · 13/08/2025 14:37

Cherrytree86 · 13/08/2025 11:16

@DogWater

what if your husband suddenly decided tomorrow he wanted a child, Op? You

It's highly doubtful this will happen.

If it did, it wouldn't impact my decision at all.
It'd be up to him what he does - stay in our child free life we've built, or leave to find another woman to have a baby with.

OP posts:
Strawberrryfields · 13/08/2025 15:42

Do you place value on being a mother/ parent even if it’s not for you? This might sound weird but one thing that popped into my head is one of those thought experiments e.g. ‘X number of people in a burning building, who would you save’ type thing.
People often choose mothers/ parents in these scenarios as they place high value to these roles. Would you make this choice? Or are there other factors you feel would add equal or greater value to a person that you’d consider?

Someiremember · 13/08/2025 15:55

DogWater · 13/08/2025 10:05

About everyday, mundane life - what our evening routine looks like, for example.

About holidays - how we choose somewhere unconstrained by children's needs.

About work - basically am I being fucked over because I'm expected to cover parents.

We also got to chatting about retirement plans which look very different for the both of us so being child free also factored into that a bit.

Or friend presumably isn’t a mumsnetter
As I’ve seen quite a few childfree mumsnetters do AMA!

Someiremember · 13/08/2025 15:56

I am surprised that friends for many years and yet she doesn’t know all this already just from knowing you for so long

rickyrickygrimes · 13/08/2025 16:03

DogWater · 12/08/2025 10:15

No. It's just my mum, no dad on the scene.

I think my mum would've been happy to have a grandchild but we live some distance away so she might not have seen s/he very often.

Now my mum's in really bad health so I think she's probably quite relieved that there are no perceived grandparent expectations and that I'm flexible to visit and/or help her where I can.

In the future, when you are old, who will visit you and/or be flexible to help you where they can? Not out of obligation but out of love.