I am child-free by choice. AMA.

[DogWater]

I'm a 40 year old woman, and child-free by choice.

AMA.

I'm one of those unimaginative people so I hope this isn't offensive, I don't intend it to be and I'm not sure how to phrase this as a question but to me the part of your lives where you have dependent babies and children to care for is so brief compared to the bigger picture of having a family network of adults who support each other, share traits and family history and have a deep emotional connection to one anothers identity. I find it hard to understand not having children because you don't like babies/kids. My grandparents are in their 90's, their children are in their 60's, their grandchildren are in their 30's and 40's, we are all really close, it seems so short-sighted to me to say you didn't want children in the sense of dependents, did you make your decision in terms of not wanting to create a network of close relatives, rather than just not wanting to create temporarily small dependents or is your thinking primarily short term?

what do you do about contraception? Would you ever ask your DP to have a vasectomy, or have your tubes tied (ie make the decision very final)?
I'm on the pill. DP's thought about a vasectomy but he's ridiculously squeamish and I don't mind bearing the burden of contraception. I wouldn't get my tubes tied because it's quite a major operation that could be avoided by just taking the pill

what was it about your friend's mum's experience of having a baby when you were a child that looked off- putting?
It's hard to pinpoint exactly but I just had a general sense of "What's meant to be good about that?" I just didn't (and don't) get it.

@DogWater How much do you earn?

Have you felt any pressure from your parents to "give" them grandchildren. My DD is childfree by choice and I'm really not that bothered but her dad and his wife are constantly banging on about how they hope she changes her mind (she's mid 30's now and her mind is absolutely made up WRT children).

I've got 3. I often tell my younger friends/colleagues that their only obligation is to have a happy and fulfilled life and that is different for everyone. For some that's kids, for some its travel, for some its pets, for some its a crossword and a cup of tea. No comments needed!

Nope, not offensive at all. That's what AMA is for 😊

I guess firstly I'd say that I didn't make a decision to be childfree. I've just always known that I didn't want to have children in my life. I see motherhood as an opt-in phenomenon (whereby you make the decision to have children, rather than make the decision to not have children) and I've never wanted to opt-in.

But, my thinking has never been about my family or relatives - its always been about how I want my life to look. I can't imagine giving over a chunk of my life to have dependents for the sake of creating a wider family network or for the wider benefit of relatives.

For me, your question isn't really about timing and connections - short-term sacrifice for the sake of long-term family connections. For me, its about who/what is prioritised and I prioritise me and my own needs above those of relations.

I hope that makes sense - feels really rambling 😅

My base salary is £70k and then consultancy on top takes me to about £120k

So she couldn’t imagine herself not having children

ok so very different from

she couldn’t imagine adult life without children

No. It's just my mum, no dad on the scene.

I think my mum would've been happy to have a grandchild but we live some distance away so she might not have seen s/he very often.

Now my mum's in really bad health so I think she's probably quite relieved that there are no perceived grandparent expectations and that I'm flexible to visit and/or help her where I can.

This is hilarious.

Having children isn’t the be all and end all of life.

People without children are proven to lead a less stressful life, they have more money which they can spend on travel, luxuries etc.

Partners, family, friends, work, hobbies, travel, relaxing and an endless list of things can be part of a life without children.

If anything I would say having children narrows your world. Less time to spend working on your relationships with partners and friends. Hobbies get pushed to the side. Travel and luxuries aren’t as free flowing and your world literally revolves around a child.

Do you sometimes think of what your life will look like when you are old and frail and ill and there is nobody there for you anymore to visit you, call you and chat, help with household stuff or make medical appointments?

@Lament7189

why would OP’s life be “narrow”?

@PrincessJasmine1

you can have 12 kids and no guarantee any of them would do this stuff for you when you’re old. Have you not seen all the threads on here crowing about how adult children don’t owe their parents anything?!

Thanks, that's an interesting point of view, it's completely different to mine so it's good to read. I guess my follow up, if it's ok to ask another question, is had you considered people with children have decided to put up with short term difficulty in raising small children to gain long term networks rather than that people have kids because they want a baby literally as in just a baby not a person with a whole lifespan? Personally I had kids to build a family network for myself not my relatives, thinking ahead to when both my kids and my grandkids are adults, not because I particularly liked babies and small children, and I found that stage very hard. Now I have tweens and teens I already feel the benefits of that network. My view is still about my wants, my life, as you said yours is. My grandparents have been an immense part of my life, and to not set up that structure in return would leave me isolated once they are gone. My view is still about how I want my life to look across the years, not my relatives, that awareness that as time changes and my grandparents and mum go, it will be me in their place but who will be looking back at me from the position I'm in now? No-one if I hadn't had my own children, so I needed to build those bridges to future generations. That is how I see it anyway. The baby years are difficult but short compared to the rest of life together. But I have a tiny family, perhaps you have a big family and feel other people are building this network anyway? I might feel differently if I had siblings with kids.

There is no guarantee in life that your children will do those things for you. You could hand them the world on a silver platter and they could still choose not to.

People shouldn’t have children so they have someone to care for them in later life and I’m sure all the hundreds of thousands of pounds OP will save during her life not having to clothe, feed, entertain and care for a child will leave her with money to pay for top notch help if it’s needed.

This is absolutely true (as someone who’d never planned to have children, and then had one at 40) — but exactly the same type of person who asked intrusive questions about me being childfree then morphed into someone who told me I couldn’t possibly have an only child, it was ‘selfish’ (which was pretty much what they’d said about being childfree, too).

I conclude that a minority of people are terribly threatened by decisions that don’t bolster their own life choices, especially when those choices look ‘easier’ (no children, or one child rather than three). That’s them being odd and insecure.

No.

I asked because I have seen within the last 5 years this actually happen in the block of flats where I live. 3 elderly people died. 1 lady died in her own bed surrounded by family. 2 other people - died in their flats totally lonely and we found out a couple of days later (!) One didn't have any family. One had a son who visited once a week.
I have a grandma who lives with the family but she still feels sad if other daughter/grandchildren don't visit at least once a week. I just cannot imagine living alone with nobody thinking about me or caring about me when I'm old and frail and need help. Celebrating all the festivals alone, going on holidays alone or not being able to go on holidays anymore or even to go out for a walk and nobody there to keep me company.
Sometimes I think being alone seems fun and comfortable when we are young and healthy. But it's becoming so lonely and sad when we get old and people forget about us.
Thus my question - do you see old and lonely people in your neighbourhood and their lives and worry sometimes about your life in old age?

I have a 101 year old childfree great-aunt who lives in a home, in the area where she used to own a house, & has friends dropping into see her regularly.

Also a childfree daily friend in her 70s who built up her local network & is always out doing stuff & seeing people.

Neither of them has had a ‘narrow’ life.

I think I get what you mean. To be honest, I've never really considered why other people have children but I've always understood its a complex web of different motivations perhaps including a kind of intergenerational tilt like you're suggesting.

For me, I've never really been bothered about building family networks across the generations or having future people 'looking back' (as you put it) at me. I have a very small family too.

There is a whole big world between having children and being alone.

People have marriages, deep friendships, community, churches and so on.

Children aren’t everything.

I don't see the situation as being this black and white though as other PPs have said.
I also think its a terrible trade-off for me to ruin (and I do see it as ruining) the prime decades of my life in the hope (not guarantee) that I'll have someone around for the last few years of my life.

Sorry I missed
do you live alone? What’s your relationship history like?

I also think we'll see the proliferation of something like older women's communes (for want of a better phrase) as the huge numbers of single, child-free women begin to move into older age.

Do you have a wider support network of people in your life? I know you’ve mentioned having a very small family & no siblings but what about close friendships etc?