I am child-free by choice. AMA.

[DogWater]

I'm a 40 year old woman, and child-free by choice.

AMA.

I don’t know why this question even has to be a thing. An intelligent person surely can see that not having children is a perfectly normal, valid and in lots of cases sensible choice.
I have one, some of my friends have children and some don’t. Nobody ever questions the child free women because generally the child free ones are less stressed, have more time, travel more, socialise more, have more choices over where they live and their career choices. My good friend and her sister live in gorgeous flats in London (not from there) annd are both child free . Both high up in their careers. They’re both taking a 3 month sabbatical next year to go travelling to Asia. I’m jealous. I’ll hopefully do the same in the future but will be at least 10 years time.

fwiw I don’t expect my dc to look after me when I’m old. I don’t want them to narrow their lives for me, though regular contact would be nice!

Hope this isn’t too personal! Feel free to ignore if it is. Also it might be a very obvious question! If you got pregnant by accident would you have a termination or would you keep it?

I have a lot of friends, I'm not sure I'd class them as 'close' necessarily but we support each other when needed.

As a fellow childfree the main reason I read this site is because it's interesting and all human life is here but a secret secondary reason is that it really validates my life choices. There isn't an age when having children doesn't seem a big stress binfire. (I know love is elevating and so it won't feel like that for many people going through it)

Why do you think your choice matters to folk you don't know.

No, I live with my partner.

We've been together 18 years.

Before that I had a fair few short-term flings and one-nighters. I had a couple of relationships but nothing particularly serious.

I'd have a termination

Perhaps random question but what will you do with any inheritance when the time comes - who will you pass things on to? Photos memories mementos etc? Do you worry you’ll be forgotten?
(not saying those are reasons to have children just curious)

That seems a weird set of suppositions to me. Why is the alternative to having children solitude? Plus, would you really dedicate at least a couple of decades to something you really don’t want to do, potentially risking your health, compromising your career etc just so you possibly minimise your chances of dying alone? I wouldn’t.

Hmm... I'm thinking 'encouraged' euthanasia as the public services and state finances crumble is more likely, but that's just my black humour :D.

Good lord, yes people change and grow as they move through life, even non mothers.
Some of the many things to make me 'level up' include moving 3 hours away from home to go to university, renovating 3 houses, studying for professional qualifications, shaping a career and getting promoted and now leading a team, relocating with my husband and having to create new friendships and a new life somewhere where we had no links....and the list goes on!

We're not planning to leave much in the way of inheritance. But if anything is left, it'll go to charity.

I don't really care much what happens to my things when I die. I have an antique broach that's been handed down the family which I'd like to pass onto a woman on my mum's side. But only if I think they'll take care of it. Otherwise, it'll get sold with anything else I own of value. Anything without any value, I guess will just be dumped.

Yep, I fully expect to be forgotten. This is what happens to most people who've lived and died. It makes no odds because... you're dead 😂

Well, yes, that too 😂

This. Not a unique choice.

A lot of people have kids because of this irrational worry about being forgotten. Even though most of their own great grandparents "beloved objects" are currently rotting at the bottom of a landfill and most people can't even remember their names. Probably Elizabeth and John or something.

You get one life yet so many people live solely in preparation for old age and death.

And their preparations won't even help.

😂

A "narrow world"?!?! I'm childfree and would say my world is far less "narrow" than my friends who have small children!!!

We travel a lot, have weekends away regularly, monthly trips to the theatre / art galleries / gigs / restaurant openings...

I know there are parents who do the same and I'm not saying that all people who have children are limited to what they can do. But to say that childfree people are creating a "narrow world" for themselves in insane as in my opinion it's the complete opposite.

If I'm Googling something random, I'll often add 'Mumsnet' to the end of my search.

• Skin&Me mumsnet
• chicken recipes mumsnet
• dog won't stop scratching mumsnet
• best Greek island mumsnet

(or whatever!)

Because I want to hear the views of reasonably sensible women living in the UK in their 30s/40s/50s (because Im one of those too!) , and this is the only forum which exists for that demographic.

Once on the site, I read everything that catches my eye in 'Trending' on the homepage.

'the bigger picture of having a family network of adults who support each other, share traits and family history and have a deep emotional connection to one anothers identity'

That has absolutely not been my experience of family! If you have had this kind of supportive experience, I can definitely see how you would want to recreate it for yourself though. I do think that not liking children is an excellent reason to stay childfree though - of course children grow up and it's not forever, but you do have to devote huge amounts of your life to them for many years!

Some of the comments on here are wild, unsurprisingly. Having children in the hope that you won't be lonely later in life - hardly fair on your kids! They will grow up to be their own people, not just extensions of you. And the comment about life without children being 'narrow'! Some people have a seriously weird view of life without kids

Bit jealous, I had similar internal voices, but let societal pressure and outside voices (parental) get the better of me. After doing it once, I can quite firmly tell you I don’t enjoy the company of children, I don’t hate them (indifferent describes it best) and I love my daughter to the moon and back, but that’s very different from enjoying parenting or finding children good company.

What do you think of women who are willing to openly say they regret having children?

I think its very brave to say such a taboo thing. I feel badly for those women and hope they find peace and happiness in other ways.

Also CFBC - just saying hello, OP!

Another CFBC here! In my 50s now, that biological clock never kicked in, and I don't feel the least bit sad about my fertility now coming to an end - it's a blessed relief.

I was solidly child free through choice at 40. At 41 I literally did a 180 and had a baby through choice. I didn’t feel the need to broadcast the before or after though.

Why do you think anyones cares @DogWater?

My life was bloody lovely without my child and still is bloody lovely with. It’s a bit different but not spectacularly so.

I am very similar to you, but 35. For a long time I've known I didn't want kids but have only really become comfortable in the choice the last couple years because I think there is so much spoken and unspoken expectation on having kids, and not doing so must be due to some sort of failing (physical, not finding a suitable partner in time, etc).

What's made me more comfortable is growing more into myself and becoming increasingly confident that the life I want isn't compatible with how children will change it (at all stages). I appreciate there are so many wonderful things about kids / a family but I just simply value my independence and flexibility in life more.

I've gotten more friends in my circle recently who are older (40s, 50s) who have chosen not to have kids and this too has given me confidence that a child-free future can indeed be as great as I imagine it. Will I regret it when I'm 90 on my deathbed? I don't think sacrificing many decades of the life I want for a hand hold right at the end is worth it. Across life my my focus is on building a community around me for mutual support at various life stages and circumstances.

I have a DH - We've been together 15 years now, married last year. He feels exactly the same. We are very financially stable (earn £250k+ between us) and have supportive families who would happily help with childcare etc, so it's not because logistically or financially we would face undue pressure. There are just so many other areas of life we are fulfilled by and don't want to compromise on in the short or long term. We have a niece, god children, and friend's kids whose lives we are really active in, but it's just not what we want for us.

I think discussions and experience sharing on this topic are so important so that more and more women can decide if children is/isn't for them rather than just going with life's unspoken expectation.