I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

Not really, the question was not about a simple 'helping'. In life there are complex administrative tasks which in our relationship are not shared. I am not in charge of our joint assets for instance - shares, etc. - if my husband were to die now I would be able to pick up things fairly easily, as I explained in my previous message.

However if this was to happen in, say 30 years' time, i am not sure I'd be able to easily so we make sure all is clear for the other if there will be the need to step in. Many M/s relationships have such systems in place.

Thank you for answering my question. I was thinking of my own situation, where DH is bedridden and entirely physically dependent on me for everything, including things he'd much rather not need me for. We do have carers, but unless you're absolutely loaded and have the money and space for 24 hour assistance, the person who is not ill ends up doing a lot and giving up a lot and the ill person has many other challenges. It is a very, very delicate and taxing situation for both parties and the only thing that gets us through is teamwork (although I probably have Kathy Bates moments, mentally at least)

This may seem like an extreme example and perhaps it is, but I've known some much younger people end up in a similar situation. All of us are only a few steps from it happening and perhaps everyone should think about how they would cope, whatever their relationship dynamics and be prepared for how quickly things can change.

🤣 spot on, I'm glad most people don't take these people as seriously as they take themselves.

Final question from me today before I dive into work.

I have witnessed a lot of violence growing up and the fight for control that my parents were performing was horrifying. A relationship based on silences, withdrawing attention, slammed doors. I strived not to have that. That's not how we live. We communicate, we negotiate, we have created an unusual relationship based on love and trust.

Or you haven’t sorted out your shit and have leapt straight into a relationship based on powerplay, control and violence, thereby replicating your parents’, but have convinced yourself it’s all fine?

Oh absolutely. I had a cancer scare a few months ago - I was bleeding like a fountain (sorry if it's TMI) and the realization - can we actually afford me to be ill? What is going to happen if I die as the kids aren't really independent yet? Fortunately I'm not dying yet but this scare gave us some motivation for futureproofing our life.

Thank you also for sharing about your own situation, do you have support? Friends whom with you can be yourself? I think one of our problems is that we have moved city last year so we do not have friends or a support network, and also living the way we do can be quite isolating, it creates really strong reactions in people.

@BellaDelBosco

Why are you waffling on about everything around the actual point of your relationship? You role play being a subservient slave to your husband every day of your life to the point of it actually being your entire dynamic, all for a sexual thrill. That's what it boils down to. I know you don't want to talk about sex but that's the point of what you do. It's so that you and your husband can get your sexual kicks.

The vast majority of people are going to find that a boring way to structure your whole life and relationship.

The fact that it impacts even the most mundane of tasks that you need to put plans in place to deal with finances and the logistics of caring for your spouse when they're sick because that switches the dynamic... well, it's just bizarre.

On punishments. They are negotiated and I have consented to them, that's all you need to know. I am not sharing sexual content. And no, these punishments are in no way similar to what I experienced as a child from my parents. My Master doesn't punch me in the eye (in fact, he doesn't punch me at all) or hurt me so much that I had to go to the hospital and lie about what happened to me. My Master doesn't attack me with a chair and telling me that just like he put me into this world he is going to destroy me. My Master does nothing to me I haven't agreed on. My abusive parents did every violence to me without any agreement and when I was well under 10 years old. I hope this clarifies the difference once and for all and that the punishment subject is now closed

your still avoiding this, which is fine, your call. But the avoiding it is very telling. It’s shouting loudly at all of us.

and we all know punishment which is unpleasant and unspeakable, doesn’t need to be violent. It can be a form of humiliation, something heinous, you do to the other person or make them do.

itsalso clear if your kids have just left home, then for at least two decades you’ve not lived this dynamic, but now you need to sit on the floor, kneel when he arrives home, get punished for not obeying, you now need to live like this. You can’t even just go to bed.

it sounds abusive. Deeply abusive. I understand fully you are a willing participant in it. You give permission and the relationship continues. But none of it sounds anything other than abuse. Accepted abuse. But abuse all the same/

I kind of see this as a manifestation of wanting to turn the tables on some kind of trauma from the past. When I was raped over ten years ago I ended up having a desire for really rough sex, and I was so confused and disgusted as to why. But during therapy I came to realise it's because I wanted to go through the experience again but know I am in control and safe this time around and I was just trying to process what had happened to me and almost do it to myself on purpose rather than ever have another man subject me to it without my consent.

Why did you go to a munch if it wasn’t to look for other partners? As technically that’s what they are for.

No they are not. They are social gatherings. In fact, going there looking for play partners is explicitly frowned upon.

please check the wiki entry: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munch_(BDSM)

Oh absolutely there is an element of that, yes. In fact both me and my partner were able to get much deeper into our needs and wants after therapy (both individual and couple). I am taking the violence and chaos of my upbringing and turning it into a self empowering, happy relationship.

It's a shame not everyone has the finances or the will to invest into therapy.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it's really tough to be survivors of abuse, and I truly hope you are thriving as I am now.

Another really interesting question I have missed. I think I would not mind switching a little for play and in the past I've been telling occasionally what to do to some good subby boys. Although it would be just strictly for non-sexual play.

What I'm more interested in, hypothetically, would be mentoring newer submissives of my same gender/similar age, helping them to find their identity, how not to get abused, how to spot red flags, etc. A lot of people find their submissive feet in their late 30s/40s or even later and some help from somebody of a closer age but who's been into this lifestyle for decades would be really beneficial.

Oooh not taking prisoners here - direct questions. I'll answer because i think this goes beyond the realm of sex.

We'd have to talk about it. Maybe in a therapy setting/mediated conversation.

Monogamy is what we have agreed on but if any of us wanted a change we'd have to really talk this through and make sure we are not taking rash 'in the moment' decisions that can damage our relationship.

@BellaDelBosco thank you for coming back to answer, apologies, I did put it a bit crudely

No problem at all and no worries, I somehow appreciated the directness. In fact, I am sorry it took me a while to respond, there were a lot of posts/good questions at the beginning that I missed because of the sheer amount of them.

I think the questions of 'being faithful' in BDSM is very pertinent, even the definition of what faithful is could be questioned because there is role play within the couple that may include the notions of 'others', then there is some non sexual play that can be as intimate and bonding as sex; perhaps comparable to an emotional affair, or if it's non sexual physical play (say through shibari), maybe the intimacy and closeness that comes when practicing an extreme sport together. I think it's not a coincidence the fact that both me and my D type were multiple marathon runners. It's that kind of discipline, transcending the body, etc. Sorry I'm digressing now.

This is what I was thinking—trying to right past wrongs, which is why I believe it’s unethical for OP’s DH to be taking advantage of someone he knows who had an abusive childhood, and using her current mental state for his own sexual gratification. I’m getting big-time Andrew Tate vibes here. It also reminds me of Holly Madison’s relationship with Hugh Hefner, when she insisted that he was the love of her life, they were soulmates, etc etc. But once it was over and she had a few years to reflect, she described it as a Stockholm Syndrome situation. Ouch. I wonder what OP and her DH would say if one of their daughters got herself into a relationship like this. It’s all very unhealthy IMO.

Anyway, I’m really sorry that you were assaulted @Shiningout and I’m pleased you’ve had therapy. I hope you’ve been able to move on with your life as best as you can—be kind to yourself…your brain was trying its best to preserve itself. x

If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit 🤣

Thats wiki and changes daily on there and a lot of it is, well bullshit

now the munches that I know folks go to is to make friends at yes but it’s to have sex at a chosen venue with one or multiple participants if that is their thing with the consent of their partners.

am I missing something here is this bullshit then and I’m being miss lead as I don’t think so as one pal goes frequently to both munch and venues or houses for sex.

so why did you go to a munch?

I went to make friends and to be with people who have the same sexual identity as myself. I was active (in another country) in the scene 2 decades ago before getting married and I miss those friendships dearly. It was really great as I feel we did (begin to) make connections. The fact that we could talk about things and they would 'get' it immediately it was so refreshing and liberating.

I went to make friends and to be with people who have the same sexual identity as myself

Heterosexual people? Loads of them about.

@DizzyBumble

OP - do you give all of your earnings to your DH or do you keep separate accounts/joint accounts. We have separate accounts because for accounting purposes it's easier. I ask permission for non essential items over 5 GBP. We discussed at length what an essential item is. One exception: I can buy anything I want for the kids :)

Has your DH ever made a decision that you really didn't like & do you just have to live with it? If it's something I really do not like I can safeword out and we'll have an out of dynamics discussion together. In the end, however, I have given up control and I'm enjoying it.

Do you have friends that live the same way ? Only long distance/online but we have started going to munches in our new city so hopefully things will change soon.

I ask permission for non essential items over 5 GBP.

😂

This sounds like really hard work OP. Really hard work. Asking every time you want to spend £6? Who has the energy to ask to buy a tube of moisturiser?

Genuine question- how can you be bothered?

There is an ongoing discussion about BDSM and sexual orientation (as in part of one's sexual identity) that is super interesting. I know it's part of how I construct my love identity and relationships too.

See for instance : https://oxfordleftreview.com/towards-a-bdsm-orientation/ (free access) and https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11930-019-00195-x (in a paywall).

For me, I feel I could enter more easily in a long term a same sex relationship with a dominant woman than with a fellow male slave.