I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

@PrimaDoner

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm disparaging because that's my opinion on the OP's thread.

People find meaning in all sorts of random shit. Doesn't mean I have to respect that and see value in it.

Agree - it's just juvenile game playing and pretending you are doing something special. You don't do it in front of the kids or tell many people about it because you know it looks foolish, or abusive. And maybe only you know which. It like Mick and Pam doing their Charles and Camilla thing. Fine in private, but no one else need know nor care. It's surely not AMA if you don't answer.

Are you rude to people to their face for no reason or just when you’re anonymous on the internet?

@PrimaDoner

Does the OP discuss her sexually ritualised life to random people's faces or just when she's anonymous on the internet?

Would you like me to rephrase it in a way you don't find quite so rude?

"People find meaning in all sorts of random stuff. Doesn't mean I have to respect that or see value in it."

More to your taste?

Actually if you read my first post and all of them in this thread I have upheld the 'non discussing sex' boundary with consistency.

Now, I think you are overinvested and protesting too much. Look, honestly, if you are curious about D/s you can try it. I promise I won't tell anyone you do. You can even do it yourself, you do not need a Master or anything! Have a look at the resources I posted earlier, write 'good girl' (or boy, or 'cat') on sharpie in a hidden body part and off you go: you've been initiated as a slave! You've got a new superpower now. Enjoy.

@BellaDelBosco

I have tried it. You've no idea. I just didn't make my entire life and relationships about it.

Your life and everything you've discussed on this thread is sexually ritualised. Just because you haven't discussed what he does with his cock doesn't the mean we aren't talking about a sexually ritualistic life.

This is an AMA. You opened the thread and I'm here saying what I want to say. you are certainly invested as you can't seem to tear yourself away despite saying repeatedly that you're taking a break from the thread. You seem to need to validate your sex life rather than crack on with it.

Isn't your big D getting concerned now about your participation on this thread? He still happy?

I said I would take a 2 days' break but then I noticed some people were concerned about abuse re: punishments and wanted to clarify that point; others were complaining about the lack of answers as I'm always such a people pleaser I have asked his permission to write a few posts tonight.

My Master was happy enough to grant his permission, as earlier I had gained a couple of interesting insights, and he liked I did research and provided resources and a bibliography, he though that was helpful.

Having said that, sadly, I don't think anyone, me included, has been their best self here this evening. It's a shame as this could have been an opportunity for growth. Sunday night blues I guess.

I'm off on slave duties now so I wish you goodnight.

Honest to goodness, what a load of grim bilge.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Surely the biggest punishment is having to spend every Friday evening doing a performance appraisal of how the relationship is going. Every week for a couple of decades, makes my skin crawl.

Anyone else wanting the “Master” to come to the thread so we can tell him what a POS he is to take advantage of / “punish” a woman with unresolved past trauma? No decent man would do this. He makes my skin crawl.

I don't think you realise how sleazy it all is. He loves you and wants to look after his favourite toy. Being a brat. Debratting.

I have had periods where ive been into kink a lot, and a brief period where we attempted a similar lifestyle.
Went to a munch where it seemed like the grossest people were there. Who swarmed around us, especially me.
The more you try and open your eyes and see whats going on, you'll see that its fuckedup. Just look at FL. The dregs of humanity.

Its all a big pretend sex game. Your husband is unethical using your trauma against you in this way.

If you have a question, do ask. I will pass it on.

I am not sure I agree - from the amount of 'skin crawling' that people say they have in the face of something rather harmless I'd say that this lifestyle choice still creates a lot of unease. And I have answered at least 40 questions.

Edited for clarity.

What actually is bratting? Or debratting?

If I really do not want to do something I can safeword out. My safeword is sacred and always respected. We would then debrief on what happened and see how we can move forward.

So 'bratting' is one of the most hated, feared and misunderstood terms in BDSM because it has a double meaning.

1. It's a kind of consensual play where the s type willfully objects in a power dynamic to something they actually do not object but they want to see a bit of a show of power from their D type. No need for debratting. This is play.
2. Sometimes one is just being a confrontational ass for the sake of it (there are lots of fellow brats on mumsnet. I feel right at home sometimes). Debratting is trying to find out the reason why one is being a confrontational ass - are you not feeling heard? Do you need attention? What is the real reason behind the challenging behaviour. Root cause analysis is debratting.

He’s gone from ‘beloved husband’ to ‘My Master’. Not sure which one is more sickening actually.

Hi, thank you for reaching out, I am sorry I missed this question in the past few days there has been a lot of 'noise' on the thread. First thing, well done for recognising who you are and having the courage to be yourself.

Definitely you can be submissive and a feminist. There are so many of us - if you are on Tiktok I would suggest to look at the work of Mollena William Hass who speaks very eloquently of the journey of empowerment to submission.

I believe that being a feminist is to fight for women to have equal rights and freedom, and amongst these rights there is the right to choose. It's my choice.

I would also suggest to do some reading around the issue and I think Pamela Connolly Stephenson has nailed it when she writes:

'Consensual sex requires that both partners give permission for what occurs, whether they take on a more passive or a dominant role at any given moment. If someone chooses to assume a submissive erotic position, that is an agreement that he or she could withdraw at any time. So, in fact, the submissive partner is actually the moral controller; if that person wishes to gain physical dominance, he or she must first be sure that permission for that is fully granted by the partner. But while these facts may help you to consider physical submission more ethically palatable, in general, erotic connections are heightened when taboos are broken … including what might be considered a feminist no-no.' (Guardian, 19 August 2021)

He is both and also best friend and sometimes pain in the arse too. hey, we are human.

This is a great question and the risk of codependency is real, especially because we are both away, physically as well as psychologically, from our families and from our support network.

We have structured our life together in a very compartmentalised manner but we are both competent so i think now that we are still relatively young we could cover for each other if anything happened. This may become a problem as time goes by and we have discussed it and decided we are going to put systems in place to help the other (access to accounts, access to emails, etc.).

@BellaDelBosco

This may become a problem as time goes by and we have discussed it and decided we are going to put systems in place to help the other

What are you talking about? Why is it so complicated? If your husband (Massive D) needs help due to illness or old age, you just help him.

What a lot of faffery for sexual kicks 🙄

Oh I love this question. Thank you.

So respect to myself: absolutely YES because I'm respecting my identity. Letting go and just being unashamedly yourself, shadow and all feels so good and liberating. (not: I still believe we have different selves and I'm being unashamedly me at work too - as I mentioned many times we are multilayered and complicated/) Submissive is my love language.

And on the question if my beloved husband (Master/best friend and occasional pain in the arse) respects me - that's another strong YES because he loves me in the way I need.

I also have a broader question, for you and all, do you think serving is not a noble act that deserves respect per se? I do.

Serving is a job. It’s generally a low-paid, unprestigious, unskilled job, and for this reason, in a patriarchal society, overwhelmingly done by women. ‘Noble’? No. It’s an expression of power. But as we’ve established up the thread, you haven’t actually read or understood Hegel or Marx’s take on Hegel.

I also have a broader question, for you and all, do you think serving is not a noble act that deserves respect per se? I do.

No, not in the narrow way you describe - there’s no nobility in that at all. Serving in relation to something meaningful and purposeful, where your act of service contributes to something larger than satisfying your own sexual desires (whatever they may be) - absolutely deserving of respect.