I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

You really need to actually read The Phenomenology of Spirit. And Marx’s Economic and Philosophical Manuscripts. Maybe when you’re ‘brstting’ on your cushion.🙄

I think they may suspect we are not the usual couple (first of all, we like each other way more than the other parents - they have commented on this and how they much enjoy hanging up with us because we're not putting each other down or bickering

this is an odd setance. Firstly as I’m sure you know it is not the norm for couples to put each other down and bicker. Secondly it’s very clear if you did any of that he would do something to you you found unpleasant. To use your words punishment.

in addition you say you started off where it was supposed to be equal. Bit you could tell he wished to be in control. To most people this would simply be a controlling relationship, one they had to get out of, if they were able. You on the other hand decided the way to keep him was to allow him to completely control you.

I assume many of us would find the punishments concerning and that's why she won't answer.

Can you clarify something, please? These punishments that he gives you - are they similar/identical to the ones given to you by your abusive parents?

Well in a relationship with one half so entirely subsumed into the other, that they're kneeling before them and having their knickers chosen for them, there wouldn't be any bickering. Big D will soon subordinate any willfulness in the ranks!

Have you considered therapy? This is all pretty disturbing. Thoughts from the psychology I studied at university are bouncing around in my head…past trauma, attempting to rewrite it, etc etc etc. I feel sympathy for you, more than anything. This is a disturbing post to read, and I believe that perhaps it’s more recognisable as such by those who haven’t suffered from unresolved trauma or have more lived experience with healthy relationships.

OP, I wonder what you think a healthy relationship looks like, one where there's no punishment, but equality, love and respect. One where one partner isn't subjugated, but is free to speak her mind without incurring the wrath and disapproval of her husband.

To me it sounds incredibly unhealthy. You sound like an anorexic who thinks she's enormous, as though your view of yourself is so skewed you really need treatment.

@BellaDelBosco
“My youngest son is away visiting family abroad this month and he just wrote a message for me saying what good mums my cousin and my sister are and how everyone loves them, saying they are like me and apparently being good mums runs in the family. So I'm clearly doing something right.”

No mention of his father being a good Dad then? Or was just that your Cousin and Sister, look after and love their children well, like all, (I would like to think), mothers do? Also are you creating an expectation in your son that he will meet a woman who should run around after him and treat him like a king, whilst doing all the childcare, cooking, washing up and housework etc?

It’s a meet up of like minded people for sex well the ones I know off

im confused now.

Agree, the fact she doesn’t want to talk about it, tells us she’s trying to paint a rosey picture. If the op was honest about her situation she’d give it warts and all. The fact she can’t or won’t shouts loudest.

and there is nuggets of truth in here. The fact he pretended to be into equality when they were first together, but was controlling. So she decided that this was the way forward to keep him.

being in a controlling relationship is abusive. But if you turn round and then say ok, I submit. I will kneel. Make no decisions. You can punish and hurt me, you can abuse me if I do wrong; I will sit on the floor like a dog. Wear what you want me to. You can habe sex with me when you please. I habe no say.

Then all of a sudden it is acceptable? It’s not just some abusive arsehole?

of course the op does what she’s told. Of course there is no bickering. Because if she doesn’t. Then he’s going to do something deeply unpleasant to her.

which most people would call an abusive relationship.

I feel the discussion is going round in circles now so I'm allowing myself a couple of days of distance from the thread to reflect.

I have been compiling a short list of resources for those who are interested. I would say it's from less advanced to more advanced. When these books are illustrated they do not have anything you'd see in magazine like, say, Vogue today. There are no pictures of nudity in either although the content of some books deals with sexual D/s as well.

1. if you put in 'dominance and submission' in archive.org you'll find lots of free books that study this subject, some more accessible than others. Many of them are just erotica or very superficial. As a first suggestion I'd say 'Screw the roses, send me the thorns' by Philip Miller (1995), old and in some parts a little outdated but still a classic. (free on archive.org)
2. For a sense of the 'fun' and wit of these relationship, have a look a look at the 'fashion' magazine from the 1940s and 1950s 'John Willie's Bizarre'. (free on archive.org)
3. 'Superfreaks: Kink, Pleasure and the Pursuit of Happiness' by Arielle Greenberg (2023) is a wonderfully accessible and erudite book, with a comprehensive bibliography, getting inside the reasoning of what we call kink, with some insights on feminism and why some people do the things they do.
4. To understand the principles of D/s, 'The Heart of Dominance' by Anton Fulmen (2016). This book also discusses poly relationships and sexual matters explicitly.
5. 'Real Service' by Raven Kaldera with Joshua Tenpenny (2010), to really understand what is service submission and the first rule of service: If the Master doesn't want it it's not service. I am still struggling with that one!
6. Conquer me by Kacie Cunnigham (2010), specifically by a woman submissive for women, it explains punishments better than I could ever hope to. S/M themes.
7. 'Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/Slave Relationships' - Anthology edited by Raven Kaldera (Alfred Press, 2014) This book is fantastic if you want to see how many different styles there are of M/s and a discussion on archetypes in relationships.

This is it from me, see you next week.

edited to specify which books are free on archive.org

It’s an AMA thread, but not really….serious questions are being ignored and OP is leaving the discussion.

OP has answered lots of questions and is taking a break for two days.

Cmon now, she’s avoided the hard questions, presented a rosey view, and twice bowed out. Which is fine it’s her thread, but anyone thinking she’s giving some sort of honest review is deluded.

Op, whilst you’re reflecting, how did he treat your kids when they didn’t do as they were told? You told us he struggled treating you like an equal, you said the relationship limped because of it. How did he deal with kids, was he the same, an authoritarian. I notice your child sent the weird text about the good mums, which is disturbing, but he didn’t say anything about a good dad.

You are like a Mormon sub/dom spreading the word 😂

"Ask me anything"

Ok, how does your husband "punish" you?

"Don't ask me about that"

Yeh, the punishment thing is slightly alarming. OP, you may wish to keep the actual act/s private, but can you say if it has a lasting impact physically or emotionally?

It clearly does on the latter, she can’t even say what it is.

Cor, just clicked back on a random page to check out a bit more of the thread. Bitchy

I do think in all these cases it's often the 'submissive' that wants it more and controls everything, they just role play being a slave. The op knows she won't do anything she really doesn't want to, the example given earlier of having to pick his clothes is just silly, she knows she won't ever actually be made to do something she doesn't want to as she is the one in control. It does feel like role playing a game, and If that's what people want to do then crack on. What annoys me is people in these relationships trying to make out they are superior and mysterious and so so incredibly on another level to most couples when actually it's just you both setting up some rules so you can play master and slave.

So you understand why I'm not really feeling like giving away any more details. Some person who hadn't really thought their point through even felt the need to tell me that because I do not play in public I'm not really a submissive, as if I'm going to subject non-consenting people to my dynamic.

I agree. Picking his clothes isn't some kind of hardship or discomfort. Wtf. You're just fannying about playing games.

I understand people who indulge in this kind of role play or bdsm in the bedroom for the thrill and then get on with their lives. But this? And you put so much thought into it like it's something deep and meaningful.

You sitting on a cushion, picking his clothes out sometimes, and wearing a necklace is just 🤷🏻‍♀️

On therapy and our dynamic. I have had therapy for over 15 years in total. I have had depression on an off since my late teens and the times that I've been the strongest mentally it's when I have been in a D/s dynamic. Apart from a reactive postnatal depression, the relationship with my D type husband has made me thrive in every possible way. With his guidance I've ran competitively, wrote a PhD mid-career and went through a big career change. We've bought four houses (and yes my name is on the deeds) and lived in three cities. He has been guiding me and supporting my growth with his leadership for over 20 years. Our dynamic not only is based on the prime directive of 'protecting the property' but he positively helps me grow and wants the best for me. He is my leader because he deserves to be.

On controlling the narrative. This is my story: I get to live it and I get to tell it. You are welcome to ask me questions but you are going to get the answers I give you. It's called 'ask me anything' not 'answer everything': I shall answer to what I deem pertinent in the way I deem appropriate. I have put the firm boundary about not discussing sex at the very beginning and therefore if anything veers in that direction you are going to encounter the very same old boundary there.

On punishments. They are negotiated and I have consented to them, that's all you need to know. I am not sharing sexual content. And no, these punishments are in no way similar to what I experienced as a child from my parents. My Master doesn't punch me in the eye (in fact, he doesn't punch me at all) or hurt me so much that I had to go to the hospital and lie about what happened to me. My Master doesn't attack me with a chair and telling me that just like he put me into this world he is going to destroy me. My Master does nothing to me I haven't agreed on. My abusive parents did every violence to me without any agreement and when I was well under 10 years old. I hope this clarifies the difference once and for all and that the punishment subject is now closed.

But it is something meaningful to OP? It wouldn’t be for me but you’re being rude for no reason. If you’re non-plussed, fair enough – but why do you feel the need to be so disparaging?