I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

How about I live in an unusual, fully communicated, and much wanted on both side relationship? It is not your style and that's fine but I feel my choice should be respected without abuse accusation. That's far too easy and does not do justice to your intellectual abilities.

Right it's nearly 7.30 m here and I have been answering for one hour so now I am going to stop. I will try to catch up later today to see if there are any questions I have left unanswered. Thank you again and hope yall have a good Sunday and a wonderful day.

Interesting thread. On AMAs I only read the OPs posts.

I'm sorry you've received a lot of abuse OP. MNers can be overly harsh and in some cases unnecessary cruel. I suspect some people come on here to act out a sort of dominant role of their own - 'telling others how it is, no holds barred / hands on hips, no nonsense woman style' probably because they lack the courage to be that way in real life. So it's on them - don't take it to heart.

However, MN is also a very good litmus test. So if a large proportion of PPs have baulked at your lifestyle, surely that is worth considering as part of your weekly relationship reviews?

Personally I have a trail of failed relationships behind me so I say bravo for managing to maintain a long term relationship, raise children and find happiness. You're not harming anyone else so even more bravo for that. Crack on I say!

My only one question is regarding discipline. You say:
"He provides control, discipline, stability and care. I provide service, creativity, chaos and obedience."

So what is the sanction for you doing something wrong? Surely the sanction has to be unpleasant, unwanted and hurtful emotionally or physically because otherwise it's not really discipline in the true sense?

I feel like you haven’t really addressed the question of the children but side stepped it somewhat. Do they know about the dynamic? Do they witness it being played out? Are they comfortable with that?

Good lord, you kneel in front of him when he comes home? Did you do this in front of uour children??

and you refer to yourself as a thing? A toy?

This.

op do you sit on the floor not allowed on the sofa in front of your kids. Do they see you kneeling? Does he make you be silent in front of your kids, or talk about yourself in the third person?

either this is a new dynamic since the kids left home, or you’ve been playing this out in front of the kids.

andit is incredibly weird one texted to say someone was a good mum. Who does that. Did you ask if she was a good mum?

Absolutely fascinating. You are obviously very intelligent. I admire you, you sound like you have made choices and are happy with them. I like that people do things differently. Good luck op

Monogamous? But you went to a munch meet up for kinksters your words that’s a contradiction surely?

To all who ask about parenting (please note our offsprings are young adults. I wish there was another words that it's not 'children' as that implies under age)

I did state it clearly in a previous post: our children are young adults at university - when they were in the house there was no protocol and to them we were equals.

They have not consented to be part of our dynamic so they are not part of it. They do not see me kneeling, I sit on the floor only if we have a full house and there's no space left on sofas and armchairs (and often there are other people who also prefer the floor).

On knowing, I think they may suspect we are not the usual couple (first of all, we like each other way more than the other parents - they have commented on this and how they much enjoy hanging up with us because we're not putting each other down or bickering). A few months ago when they were at home for xmas they intercepted some bondage rope package from Amazon and I've got to thank fellow sub and mother of young adults Kayla Lord from LovingBDSM for having providing me with the best line ever: 'Do not ask questions if you are not prepared to know the answer' and they dropped it.

On the message of being a good mum: my son noticed the fact that all of his cousins' friend loved hanging out at their house and made a comparison. I certainly did not ask the 'am I a good mum' question. The fact they are happy, articulate people, they have friends and emotional connection: they are adjusted adults. It's about them, not about me seeking validation.

Absolutely not! Many people there were not into sexual play anyway and just there to make friends. A munch is not a play party.

Sounds to me that you have simply found an indulgent man prepared to pander to your desire to be cosseted. Most of what you describe is just being fussed over and petted in accordance with how you feel at the time. True submission would surely involve discomfort at times when his wishes and yours conflict?
Your language to describe yourself is all geared to frame you as precious and special in your eyes and his. Which doesn't really sit well with the slave/master analogy. You sound very much in charge here. Would you agree?

On mental illness - how do you judge it? I have a professional job, a house, 2 postgraduate degrees and in general tick all the boxes of good societal behaviour.

Many people with mental illness have professional jobs, houses, postgraduate degrees and tick all the boxes of good societal behaviour.

Anyway OP. I'm glad you are so satisfied with the way you live. I hope it works out well for you.

Why are you making generalisations about people in this post? You don't bicker blah blah because of your lifestyle as opposed to others? This suggests you feel superior in this way of life?

"Do you share the same political views as your D, then, as I notice you say you'd reminisce about Labour?
Yes, this is one of the things that brough us together, we both believe in social justice, giving people opportunities, fair distribution of wealth and resources, that kind of thing. "

Except for yourself? Your words give me the shivers.

"
If me wanting to sit on the sofa was just a way to be bratty I think we'd probably have to do some debratting work and then try to find out what is the reason behind the brat. "

Debratting ? Oh my goodness.

Thank you for your kind words.

I would like to state that what has upset me and prevented me to continue responding for a while was not the tough love, if anything my nature makes me well prepared to work with that, were the baseless accusations that I was AI, a bot, a pervy bloke, a troll or a creative teenager (of all these I'd choose the latter please!).

I have not written this thread to seek validation, especially because this is not a representative sample. When this thread was trending (alas!) the responses were truly empty and, I'm sure, not reflective of the intelligence of their writers.

But - even if this were a representative sample, seeking validation was never my aim. My aim it was to disseminate information and dispel myths and I feel I'm fulfilling the brief (even the Boss says so

Thanks OP. Have to admit I did roll my eyes a bit when I saw the thread title (sorry) but this has been an interesting read (Have not RTFT but have read some of your answers.) You write about the topic with real depth and clarity.

I wonder, reading through your posts, if – contrary to popular perception – the setup is to a large degree centred around serving your needs and wishes rather than your partner’s? This is something that strikes me in your posts (and I suspect an aspect people might tend to miss amid the theatrical element of the dynamic).

It also seems that the setup might be very helpful in maintaining a successful relationship, in that everything is very structured and clear – boundaries and expectations are clear, roles, responsibilities and contributions to the relationship and household are crystal clear, and you are both highly motivated to fulfil your commitments within the relationship. Yet also in a way it’s not ‘true’ submission (in the way being hassled to take the bins out and begrudgingly obeying might feel) because of the role play element – paradoxically, it is more face saving. And almost kind of ‘gamifies’ what might be considered the mundane aspects of domesticity and long-term monogamy. It’s like it’s all been made into a game. It seems play is a really central and important part of the set up. Would be interested to hear your thoughts on that?

Thanks again for taking the time to start the thread and share your thoughts, it’s been an interesting read.

Do I agree - hmmm it's an interesting one. In a nutshell: no.

Elaborating a bit - Are you familiar with Marx's theory on Hegel's Master/slave dialectic? I think the answer could be found along those lines. The slave gives the first, essential YES - draws the lines. The master has absolute power within those lines. Without the slave's consent there would be no master , therefore the slave has the ultimate power.

On the caregiving - yes that is a form of control and power. Think of your cat, who is the real boss? We joke it's the cat but we know that's not real.

To make another comparison, have you seen Stephen King's Misery? Controlling caregiving is certainly a form of dominance and it can absolutely be chilling.

@Superlambaanana sorry I realise I did not respond about the punishments. Yes, I am subjected to corrective action that can take many forms. Yes, it's unpleasant because I am ambitious and I want to do well. Some people do not have punishments at all in their dynamic and that's also a thing, but we do. I would rather not provide too many details on this one.

I just want to add that when we do 'funishments' for bratting (that's one of my favourite kinds of play) that also makes me behave better somehow.

I don't fully understand this. It's like the bumblebee that according to the law of physics should not fly but it does. It works for us is the only thing I can say and i would not impose it on anyone else.

No I do not feel superior at all - I am certain that there are many better ways. This is mine, though and the one that makes me happy.

Although crucially, in both the examples you give, the ‘cared for’ has not consented to the role or even the relationship?

In Misery he’s horrified and genuinely trying to escape!

You see this is really interesting because before my marriage I had already been in a D/s relationship. When my former bf/D type and I split up (I initiated the split or as we say the release because he was so looking the part and playing the part but in reality I was supposed to do everything and he was just supposed to look good holding a whip - no thank you!) my thought process was rougly like this: 'WOW I'm going to do equality now and I'm doing the biggest equality this side of the French revolution! I am free now!'

Soon after I fall in love with this tall, handsome and apparently gentle guy and think 'ooooh this is going to be so egalitarian....' Ha ha and fucking ha.

We found out pretty soon that we were sexually kinky but the unspoken agreement is that outside the bedroom we were equal. And we limped on for a while like that. But the power struggle was real - he was doing that thing of wanting to run the show and make it appear egalitarian. I see vthat in couples all the time. So I've had to have 'the talk', saying something like if you want full control I'm happy to give it to you. In fact, I think I really need to submit to you, but we need to do it well, with awareness and negotiation, otherwise we are just going to stomp on each other and hurt each other and we'll forever yell at each other for stupid things like leaving hair in the sink.

I have got other stuff to do now but i think we are reaching a very important insight here and I'd like to come back to it at some point later today.

Thank you for this.

If this isn't AI then it certainly looks like her.

This is similar to the impression I've got. Although, admittedly I don't know much about this, I feel like this is a daddy dom kink? When OP says things like being forcefully sat on the sofa and a packet of chocolate buttons placed in her hands or that her husband dresses her or she sits at his feet between his legs, it sounds as though she enjoys being treated like a child.

Sorry @BellaDelBosco if I've misinterpreted that..I honestly don't want to be disrespectful to you. Would you say that your role is childlike or that you enjoy being treated as a child? When he chooses your clothes (not work clothes) what sort of clothes does he put you in?

Also if it is what I thought, do you think that is related to childhood trauma and craving the attention of a loving caregiver or sort of reliving a childhood you missed out on? (I understand if that's too personal to answer and also I don't mean to make presumptions about your childhood, just wondering if there could be a link)

Why? Isn’t this a key part of it, why do you not wish to discuss it. People will assume he hurts you or makes you do something humiliating, and if it is unpleasant as you say to th4 extent you won’t discuss it. Then it completely contradicts your theme you’re in control.