I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

I did ask for guidance if he thought it was ok for my well being to write this.

I have a question for you: would it be ok for a man to be subordinate? Or do you think love relationship have to be fully egalitarian?

I also think it's a big just to say that people who choose to live in a different way from you suffer of mental illness.

What will we do when we are very old? I guess the same things old people do... I'll ping the ready meals in the microwave and I will find some other stuff to do instead of kneeling because that will hurt my knees I guess, maybe I'll just shuffle my zimmer frame 3 times? We will do the crossword together and moan about the fact that Labour isn't the same anymore lamenting the days of Tony Blair and all was better when there was free movement and we will adopt a donkey in some sanctuary and maybe grow easy plants like cactus in the window. Some evening we will think of all the crazy things we used to do with rope and other tools and we will smile at each other with our toothless smile and maybe he'll hold my wrist around his index finger and thumb, like in the olden days.

@BellaDelBosco I hope these questions are ok...

How much of your D/S dynamic is visible/perceptible to your children?

Do you ever have concerns about how your children could perceive things in the relationship that could influence how they envisage a healthy relationship to be? (I suppose along the lines of, if they're aware that one parent has more authority over the other, but not necessarily understanding the complexities of the relationship dynamics, could that contribute to them misunderstanding appropriate boundaries?) (I'm not sure if I've worded that in a way that makes sense, sorry)

For your days where you select something like being in silence or using the third person, do you think those are more rewarding for you in an emotional/processing sense or in an academic/curiosity sense, or both, or something else completely?

Do you ever feel you should be doing something else with your spare time? Are you allowed to have hobbies?

Why do performative Sex People always write in the same incredibly overwrought tone? Is it something they teach you on Fabswingers?

This made me splutter with laughter- last time I was on fab, someone sent me a message that just read ‘hru’. It took me nearly three hours to work out what the guy was saying (I didn’t respond, obviously).

Can I ask - what is a ‘performative sex person’? I’ve not come across this term before.

😂

You're fun OP. But I couldn't be bothered will all the faff. Don't you ever just want to do whatever the fuck you want to do? Like fuck sake I'm not sitting on a cushion. I'm sitting on the couch with a packet of chocolate buttons and The Master can piss off to another room.

When I go to work my partner is still my big D.

😂😂😂

Do you share the same political views as your D, then, as I notice you say you'd reminisce about Labour?
What is your stance on transgender issues? (I think you said you'd consider yourself a feminist, sorry my memory is bad...)
Do you not have any pets - why not?
How will your relationship work if you need care as you get older, will your husband say no to providing this himself? How would you feel on the issue, would you want someone other than your D to care for you as it wouldn't fit the dynamic?
Thank you for sharing your answers, it's been really interesting to read, and I'm glad you've not been dissuaded by the nastiness. I hope you have many years of happiness together.

This all seems like a lot of effort and planning and not a fun life, really what is the point
Also, I’m sorry not trying to be rude but I truly believe things like this come from a traumatic place or mental illness

A lot of them will've watched the same films/porn/read the same stuff or sites/know what each other wants to hear.

All of us in this thread could probably ham it up a bit if we really wanted. I'd be quite out of practice, though.

You must know- your 'raunchy' persona. We probably all have one, especially if you've been on Fab. I can play a mean 'nympho' via chat for a minute until I get bored and want pizza and dr.phil.

All life is not a role play. It is possible to bring your authentic self with you whoever you are with and whatever you are doing.

I worry OP that you will get to an age/stage where you discover that you wasted all those years creating a character for yourself and playing a role rather than finding out who you really are and leading an authentic, unscripted life.

How you have kept this routine of prescriptive rules and Friday evening 360 appraisals up for decades is extraordinary. I knew from your OP that you worked in IT.

I'm still trying to work out whether you are living in an abusive relationship, or cosplaying living in an abusive relationship. The former would be worrying, and the latter disturbing.

Presumably (God willing) he is also a good husband @BellaDelBosco ? The one dom I had, I asked him to help me with something and he refused, he looked at me utterly appalled at the suggestion. We weren't even in a scene, and were supposed to be friends.

I had arrived at the station in heels but the walk to his turned out to be too far for me in them, I couldn't go any further and had to sit on a wall. I asked him if he could go to the charity shop a bit further up the road and pick me up a pair of shoes. He gave me the blackest look ever.

I had to walk with just tights on my feet to get to the shop, in Sheffield in February, after rain.

Are you allowed to express a need of your own of any kind?

There were other times he was appalled at me saying I needed things of various kinds, too.

There's a scene in Nathan Barley where a girl didn't have an abusive uncle but wants to have one- they said that was even worse.

I am really sorry that happened to you. It's really crushing when a D type does not listen to their s's needs. You know what they say the scale of value in a D/s relationship is, no:

1. the s type's needs
2. the D type's wants
3. the D type's needs
4. the s type's wants

Another way of putting it is to talk about what people in M/s lifestyle call 'the prime directive', that is 'always protect the property, even from the Master' - that means you are the most previous and important thing in the relationship.

In other words, you do not break your favourite toy.

@Scirocco (what a great name, made me think what winds me and my D type would be, he's be Mistral, bringing in the autumn and beauty and a coolness to everything and I'd be something wild that needs to be tamed and channelled like the Bora, maybe - which sounds a bit like Boring to make those who say I'm super boring happy) [sorry for the digression].

Questions:
How much of your D/S dynamic is visible/perceptible to your children?
So first of all the 'children' are no longer such, youngest is over 18, and they are really not bothered about what the emotional connection is like between their parents, as long as we laugh, are there for them emotionally, take them out for pizza regularly and accept being invaded by flocks of their friends regularly (and cook for them) it's ok. My youngest son is away visiting family abroad this month and he just wrote a message for me saying what good mums my cousin and my sister are and how everyone loves them, saying they are like me and apparently being good mums runs in the family. So I'm clearly doing something right.

Do you ever have concerns about how your children could perceive things in the relationship that could influence how they envisage a healthy relationship to be? They see their parents laughing a lot, hanging out together, holding each other and cuddling, there are no shouts or awkward silences (although some explosions of emotions occur now and again), we talk about things and when I'm tasked to make a decision the kids wee me making a decision, without knowing the ins and outs of the background. I think these are important messages we give them and they both have many female friends, and what I see about their closer love relationships seems healthy too. But I'm sure we have made mistakes, i just hope they weren't too big.

For your days where you select something like being in silence or using the third person, do you think those are more rewarding for you in an emotional/processing sense or in an academic/curiosity sense, or both, or something else completely? Oh I love this question. Definitely emotional. Silence made me realise how wordy I am, but also D type realised how much he missed me speaking so I think it was a double win for me that one :) Silence is definitely a spiritual practice, I can see why it's practiced in many major religions. It made me feel more centered and grounded, more aware of the many ways we can communicate. And so grateful that we have words.

I have had many hobbies in the past and I think I still do - I read, I enjoy music, fix the garden, cook, and go to yoga and have a couple of other wellbeing practices.

So I do things on my own but I also feel that finally the childrearing years are over and this is finally the time for me and my big D to be together, and hang out, and do all the things we put on the back burner because we were parenting. It's a very short parenthesis before we will get older and we'll have to change and we are determined to enjoy each other the way we like as much as possible. Our time is now.

I'm not on Fabswinger - we are monogamous - so i would not know. I guess I've got to take full responsibility for my writing style.

@darklittlecloudsong if I have a real need to do that. say it's my period, I'd say and i would be forcefully put on the sofa, blanket, hot water bottle and chocolate buttons of my preferred kind in my hand. My Master loves me and wants to take care of his favourite toy.

If me wanting to sit on the sofa was just a way to be bratty I think we'd probably have to do some debratting work and then try to find out what is the reason behind the brat. Am I not feeling listened to? Seen? Is there anything happening at work? Do I want some rough play and I'm not being brave enough to ask? You know, sometimes you've got to dig in a bit to find the real reasons.

So this is a usual away of referring to your partner in a D/s relationship - the Dominant is known as the big D, the D type or the left side of the slash (/). The s type will be, you can guess, the small s, the s type or the right side of the slash. Big Doms and subbiekins is also used but it can be a bit twee.

@wilteddandelion , thank you so much for your kind words - :)

Do you share the same political views as your D, then, as I notice you say you'd reminisce about Labour?
Yes, this is one of the things that brough us together, we both believe in social justice, giving people opportunities, fair distribution of wealth and resources, that kind of thing.

What is your stance on transgender issues? (I think you said you'd consider yourself a feminist, sorry my memory is bad...)
I have many genderfluid friends and fully believe people can be whatever they say they are HOWEVER I believe that being a biological woman in our society carries the need for some special support and I support ciswomen only spaces. I believe in biological women's sport to be preserved. Having met a few transpeople who have been abused, hurt in the street or yelled at I want them to have the same level of protection we give to others.

Do you not have any pets - why not?
We have a cat! And we often joke that in the chain of command he is at the very top.

How will your relationship work if you need care as you get older, will your husband say no to providing this himself? How would you feel on the issue, would you want someone other than your D to care for you as it wouldn't fit the dynamic? Caregiving of him to me is a massive part of the dynamic. He provides control, discipline, stability and care. I provide service, creativity, chaos and obedience. What will really happen when we are old, we do not know - and perhaps we cannot know - we'll take things as they come hoping our love and ability to communicate will carry us through, like it has through the childrearing years.

What one consider fun is what another consider terrible. I love the music of Philip Glass. Some people hate it. Even things like cats and pizza divide people. So i think we've just got to agree to disagree on that one.

On mental illness - how do you judge it? I have a professional job, a house, 2 postgraduate degrees and in general tick all the boxes of good societal behaviour. So, maybe, I'm just wired differently?

I think my being depressed in the past was because of a wider net of support, not because of my relationship or an inherent being 'broken' (although I've had some real psychological damage inflicted to me by my parents, that we use and reclaim in our play. I've written a bit about that).

Well we have the issue of an irreconcilable premise there. My true self is in all these personas. I am layered and complex. I'm me when I'm a parent; I'm me when I am a manager and I'm me when I submit.