I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

Yep.

But she hasn’t explained anything. This thread assumes that we all know what all the acronyms mean. I really don’t want to google some of them and other terms so all I know is that she writes in riddles and sits on the floor like a dog. Is it something to do with her head having to be lower than his like when you go to a temple in Thailand and your head has to be lower than the statue of Buddha?

I will admit I don't know much about dom/sub relationships (and didn't learn much from this thread) but it seems that the way it works is that

1. the man is more important than the woman and has the final say in everything,
2. The dom is nearly always the man in these set ups,
3. Despite the suggestion that these are non traditional relationships, the opposite is true, they in fact seem to be very traditional 50s style relationships.

Yep, no idea what CNC is and too afraid to google on work device.

Concerted New Closeness?

Coordinated Nerve Control?

Editing, as it feels grim to leave up

Thanks

Just googled.
Makes you want to weep.

Relationship goals.

So why not just only answer the posters with a genuine curiosity, who were interested in more insight into your lifestyle. Why not just ignore the people who you knew you were going to get on such a divisive topic and engage with the people who showed a genuine interest?

Fuck them I guess?

So, I shall not be answering any more questions

You barely answered any in the first place. The slightest hint of pushback and suddenly you can’t defend your ‘lifestyle choice’. Almost makes it seem like it’s not as idyllic as you keep saying.

Ask me anything - noooo not those sorts of questions, how dare you?

Damn not another one of those AMA that doesn’t answer any what a waste.

Christ you don't half waffle on. You've said so much without saying anything at all. What a boring AMA.

for those that are omg at the ops arrangement, (each to their own) why then do some people give over freewill and control to various gods and religions ?

I don't think it's difficult to understand why. We live in a patriarchal society. Women have a very complicated relationship with other women (historically conservative women interested in progressing society only for themselves, ignoring all other female demographics) who are in any way buying in to patriarchal society.

Should that animosity be directed at you or those women? In my opinion, not anywhere near to the degree that we do direct it.

But it's not hard to understand why a man subverting the patriarchal stereotypes and being submissive to a woman, does not come with as many hurtful connotations as a woman willingly subjugating herself does.

Really really boring!!!

Well that was a damp squib.

Might as well've been:-

'I am a damp squid for my husband- AMA.'

I think this was a really good question and would have liked to see the answer.
This type of roleplaying relationship
I can imagine as a temporary thing at a self absorbed younger stage of life. I find it hard to imagine how it works in real life over the longer term. But the OP said they have grown up children - so clearly this has been going on for some time. I really can't imagine having the energy to devote to all these rules etc when raising children, dealing with work, health issues, caring for elderly parents etc.

I think my question about whether Op’s DH had control of the money that she was earning was a legitimate question too.
I was genuinely interested in how this worked in practise like was it paid into a joint account or did he have her bank card and whether Op had savings or other assets too.

I admit that my question about whether the OP had a 3 pc suite was a bit shady but if there was only one person sitting in the same spot then that cushion would look different to the others which would remain firm and this would drive me a bit mad so I would have to insist that DH switches seats every now and then. I suppose this level of control freakery is why I’m not good sub material!

To be honest, the cushion isn't really part of the dom/sub deal if it's part of the OP's yoga practice anyway.

A lot of the answers were like that. Everything is something you love to do anyway. I think that's why you've had a hard time on here OP -- the premise kind of falls apart if he isn't making you do things you wouldn't otherwise do. It feels more like cosplay than anything.

Not a single question on how such a relationship handles pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, child rearing or career breaks relating to having children was answered.

All PG questions and of general interest to women who want families.

Essentially almost zero questions answered. Not really an AMA.

@itsmabeline She's probably having to check with the Lord and Master before writing anything.

Whenever I read this sort of thread (and there have been a few on MN alone) I always think how bad it is for a man to think he's dominant and how bad it is for a woman to think she's subservient. In both it's a sign of mental illness, in my opinion.

I used to be into BDSM but someone told me that it is unhealthy and I think they're right TBH.

No answering my question as to whether she sometimes gets bored, either.

Hello and happy Saturday.

So today we went to a munch (an event where kinksters meet in a 'normal' pub setting) and the experience was so lovely and we made a few new friends, and it was so affirming for our dynamic and that gave me a renewed confidence and desire to communicate; that and also the fact Mumsnet seems to have deleted the must hurtful comments (thank you @ImaniMumsnet ) so I'm ready to answer a few more points.

1. The blessed cushion on the floor - it's NOT part of my yoga practice, that was an example brought to show how the very same activity, if looked from a different mindset is respectable and commendable, whereas y'all seemed to find it risible because it's one of the practical things we do in our dynamic.
2. On consent and 'who holds the power': as someone else mentioned on this thread, the submissive person draws the lines, gives consent to the dynamic and establishes the main boundaries (I won't do - say - breath play, I love to give wardrobe control, I am indifferent to petplay, etc.), the dominant person colours within those lies, i.e. decides the activities, but the submissive person has always the right to revoke consent. If there is no consent the whole relationship is just abuse. I like being uncomfortable for the ones I love, I like my D type to love me a bit obsessively and paying close attention to me. That is my love language. Somebody described submissives as having a 'misery kink' and I somehow relate to that. I know it's kind of complex but the human mind often is.
3. Is it real or is it role play? I believe all life is a kind of role play. We are different as parents, children, workers, lovers. For me, and my partner D/s is a way to control the narrative of our relationship.
4. What is the real me? (question from a person who was querying the dissonance between being a leader at work and submissive in the home. There are lots of 'real me'. I am real whilst I train on my exercise bike. I am me when I help my kids to proofread their essays, when I bake cakes for them. I am me when I prepare guidelines for processes for my team. I am me when I kneel for my beloved and when I take the bins out (I'm surprised people were disbelieving of this - maybe proof that I'm differently wired). Moreover, leadership is a spectrum: at work I lead a team but I am subordinate to the head of program; at home I am subordinate to my husband but I'm the leader of our kids and of any staff we may employ to support us.
5. If you work it's not 24/7. Of course it's 24/7. That means that the dynamic is always on. If you go to the cinema your mother is still your mother. When I go to work my partner is still my big D.
6. What if he told you to sleep in the bin, go outside barefoot or jump off the bridge? Well I'm not stupid I have given all this power to a person whom I trust not to abuse it. Sometimes my D type asks me to do some things that I'm a little uncomfortable about. For instance, we practice wardrobe control: I wear a 'uniform' of dress (he has chosen/approved all my dresses), tights and boots every day (dress and sandals in the summer, exceptions when I go to yoga, exercise, or clean the house I wear black joggers and a black gym top), this morning after he chose my clothes, from underwear to shoes, he told me to help him choose his clothes to go out and I did not react well because I felt he was asking me to lead and i did not want to. He pointed out that if he tells me to do something I'm supposed to do it, even if that is an unusual way to submit. He was right of course. It was a very good lesson. And also a bit of a mindfuck. I like when he keeps me on my toes.
7. On childrearing and working. Of course when we had kids we had to adapt massively. This happens to everyone, I believe. It was very hard because it required a change of mindset and I had terrible postnatal depression especially because we were on our own and we did not have larger family support (I am low contact with my family not because my partner wants me to, I was LC already when we met). But I think we rose to the challenge and really put the children first, moving out of London; I worked very little for a couple of years and then I was very lucky to get a work from home job as an early adopter running a digital project in 2006 so I could be at home with the children. I had a lot of leeway and decisional power on things to do with the children. I like to think of our dynamic in family setting like the US president and the first lady: he has the president role but she has a lot of power in her own right. And my models would be Barack Obama and Michelle Obama before anyone accuses me to be a Trump supporter.
8. How does your day look like? We have protocols, such as I always kneel for my D type when he comes back home from work and make sure the house, and me, are ready for him. I give him my full attention as we talk about our day. Then I cook something he has approved and wash the dishes. Some evenings we go out, others we stay at home. On Friday evening we have an evening out in a quiet pub dedicated to chatting about our dynamic, what is going well, what we'd like to do etc (for instance I am developing a couple of new ideas that I'd like to explore and we are talking about those). In the evening we have a 'going to bed ritual'. I go to the bedroom upstairs and kneel on a meditation cushion (another one!!) and when he comes up he tells me to undress one piece of clothing at the time. Sometimes he tells me to sleep in my underwear, most times I sleep naked, although if it's cold I am allowed pijamas, he is my beloved caregiver and big D not a monster. Other rituals are me passing him drinks and food in a special way and assuming positions when asked. Sometimes we play with me eating food (like M&Ms) from his had, but that's just a game we play not a ritual. I have an obedience bracelet that I wear on special weekend, when I wear this I'm only allowed to respond 'Yes Master' to anything (unless it's a factual question for which the answer is no, like' id the door locked), we have done other projects like me being in complete silence for a day or speaking of myself in the third person. That was very very interesting. I am a lot more keen on this project than my D type because he says I get a lot more out of these days than he does and so I get them only as special treats.
9. On wearing special jewellery. I wear what we call an 'eternity collar', it looks just like a simple minimalist solid metal circle necklace around my neck but it's locked with an invisible lock opened only by a hex key. It is heavy and it's a constant reminder that I belong to my D type. I wear it all the time. I sleep with it and wear it also for exercise, etc.
10. What happens if you get bored? I guess we'd try to find the origin of the boredom and resolve it together.

I will now read back to see if there were any other questions worth replying to.