I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

Who paid for the sofa?

MNHQ will delete posts that are reported to them. Typically without a great deal of scrutiny or consistency, when the issue is minor, as you'd expect when the site is huge and the staff have only a certain capacity. It's the people reporting the posts that I'd hope would adopt a little nuance in their approach and would apply a little more critical thinking before jumping to "I'm telling!!!" all the time. I mean, what harm (other than breaking THE RULES!!) did that person cause by their post? She was polite, allowed for the possibility the OP was genuine...why would you feel the need to ensure that particular person was censored when others have said or implied much the same?

I dunno, I have a clingy toddler... sometimes escaping her clutches to put the bins out is the only minute I get to myself. That IS a joy 😂

(Still make DH do it when it's stinky bin week though)

This ⬆️ all.day.long.

First of all, just wanted to thank @LaughingCat
@MissConductUS @DizzyBumble and the others who have been supportive/respectful and even critical without being crushing.

I would like to take a step back and analyse my motivation to do this:

As I mentioned, there is a lot of interest/curiosity regarding lifestyle D/s and I started this thread in good faith, and perhaps with a combination of idealism/optimism/excessive trust, hoping to dispel some myths and have interesting conversations.

I was ready to explore, for instance, how it is different from a traditional marriage - in a nutshell: everything in my relationship is negotiated, it can happen regardless of gender and can change whereas in tradwifing the relationship is considered as such because of 'natural order' and there is very space for negotiations or to differ from a behavioural script.

This is not how things went.

1. Even if I made it absolutely clear in my original post that I was not going to address sexual matters here, a principle that I have upheld in every post on this thread, I was accused of 'perving', 'being a bloke', being a previously banned poster (based on the fact I used pretty standard terms and abbreviations of this lifestyle).
2. The unfounded accusations of wanting to create a sexually charged thread (as if there's not a million better places for that on the internet) were paired with teasing of fairly harmless things - such as me sitting on a floor cushion in between my husband's legs whilst (hey, look, I use the word whilst, I'm obviously a bot) we watch the Euros together. I wonder if I had told you that it was because of my yoga practice and that not using furniture is actually good for the spine you probably would have been more accepting.
3. People have marked my life as 'sad' and 'a waste'. Some have doubted my family's wellbeing, the fact I must be abused, autistic, just a bit dim. Maybe I have a humiliation kink or I'm a teenager. No, no it's a bloke who is creating an 'important' job because of some perv man agenda.

Eeeh, you know, I am tempted to change my name into Schroedinger's sub to reflect this mutable status.

Anyway, contrary to what has been inferred on the thread - no - I do not have a humiliation kink and this thread is not giving me any joy or any sense of achieving anything positive. I was hoping to answer 15-20 good questions and have an interesting discussion but what I have had so far are insults, accusations and also some poor attempts at questioning the logic of my choice.

So, I shall not be answering any more questions as they are not real questions just a veiled attempt to make yourselves feel better by being nasty to a fellow human being.

Who is, despite of your hate, unashamedly happy, and much loved and cherished. I wish you all well.

@BellaDelBosco - you have showed considerably more restraint and respect than I would have done in your shoes. Wishing you luck in watching France tonight!

I'm sorry but your style of writing is like nails down a blackboard. Why so flowery?

So, I shall not be answering any more questions as they are not real questions just a veiled attempt to make yourselves feel better by being nasty to a fellow human being.

So, conveniently still not answering. Bit of a pointless thread really.

17 pages in and so far the 'submissive woman, married to my Dominant 24/7' lifestyle turns out to be pretty much entirely watching football, managing a team and getting misty eyed over a gin on a Friday date night.

Inspired by the only thing on this thread that was vaguely out of the ordinary I've tried sitting on a cushion whilst DH sits on the sofa. Turns out that that is literally just sitting on a cushion.

Inspired by the only thing on this thread that was vaguely out of the ordinary I've tried sitting on a cushion whilst DH sits on the sofa. Turns out that that is literally just sitting on a cushion.

And surely a cushion is a luxury anyway? A true sub would sit on a stone floor (jk.) My ex would never have let me have a cushion.

I don't find it flowery, just sort of beige. Wallpaper-y.

As is what little she has actually said about being a sub. Which seems to involve watching a lot of football. Yawnorama. It reminds me of nothing more than all those bits in Victoria Wood's 'Let's Do It' about reading catalogues on vinyl flooring, only minus the wit and humour.

Well, even before the OP flounced, it was never going to melt the buttons on anyone's flameproof nightie.

I think op was expecting us to fawn over her like she does over her husband.

Ask me only interesting questions. No, not those type of questions. This isn't the discussion I wanted us to have! Wait for an answer bitches, don't you know I'm busily important managing teams AND I've got footie to watch.

It's not very sub like at all is it any of this?

Anyway, I'm off to beat my DH on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly. AMA.

Well that's mightily disappointing but totally expected.

You were lucky. My ex made me sit on a cushion of thorns. I guess he must've really loved and respected me.

"It is up to individuals to decide how they want to live although it is most definitely not for me. However, health related things in a relationship can strike out of the blue. How do you think either of you would cope with a scenario where the "dominant" person was utterly dependent on the other for help with all aspects of daily life? I can't see how it would work and this stuff can and does happen."

This was my first post yesterday. I don't think it was in any way disrespectful. However, like many other valid questions, it remained unanswered while OP drew a strange equivalence between submission and singing the National Anthem (etc)

All most odd.

Yes. I think she may be a brave choices, authentic self, higher level of relating, breaking free of constructs type of individual. Very difficult to have any sort of discussion with because all they ever seem to do is tell you things about themselves you're not very interested in, and scold you for upsetting them if you don't give them a round of applause for it.

Yeah, beige too. She writes like someone who thinks they write well but really just uses a lot of unnecessary words.

Was it a cushion in a floor or was it.......

I'm really disappointed. I am genuinely curious if people in this dynamic are concerned about the many many young women who are becoming involved in these situations without any knowledge at all, and becoming prey to 'doms'.

There has definitely been an increase since the likes of 50 shades and the media band wagon following.

But all I got was shut down with 'a book isn't responsible'.

I was expecting more detail but there is no depth here.
I'd like to hear more about the childhood trauma and how the counselling helped.

So, I shall not be answering any more questions as they are not real questions just a veiled attempt to make yourselves feel better by being nasty to a fellow human being.

I've had a look and the first 10 questions straight out of the trap were interested, thoughtful, concerned questions. None of them any qood apparently.

Ask me anything, where were the replies ? A lot of talking but not real answers.