I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

@GoodieMcTwoshoes oh dear. I was under the impression that it's universally accepted that a wrinkly toothless old woman/man in a sexy maid getup isn't as appealing as a lithe young one.

If you feel insulted by that, I apologise, but also feel sorry for you re: how you're coming to terms with your own ageing.

Unlike you, I don't think going toothless or wrinkly is a mark of shame. I will still be very much loved and perhaps lusted after by my partner (rather than purely lusted after by random fetishists) when I'm toothless and wrinkly.

Finally... Do you know what BDSM is? Have a quick google before you start frothing in outrage 😂😂😂 I don't know much about its intricacies (eg I only vaguely know there's a lot of discussion about aftercare, boundaries, common practice and whatnot) but I know enough to know that its origins are sexual, no matter whether OP tags it as spiritual or whatever. Can't remember if it was OP or someone else who literally mentioned free use and CNC, so........

I have literally NO idea what you're on about restaurant kitchens and modern slavery, and that says A LOT as I have some experience translating for organisations related to this cause.

I do grant that OP's partner may still get off on the non-sexual power dynamics (if no longer the sexy infantilised young servant image) as an old man, and maybe he's just a lazy sod who loves free labour, but again the sexual element (slave, maid, young slut, kept woman, babygirl, coquette, whatever) is often at the forefront, and you see a lot of men in DDLG/BDSM relationships transitioning to younger women.

Actually MNHQ have a more simplistic approach to it. And since it's their website, it's their approach that matters.

piranha,
Let me put this to you, as you chose not to answer my question:
I start a thread on, say, decorating. Ask me anything you like.
You would naturally think it was about decorating. You allow yourself to be on that thread, to ask and perhaps answer points that people make. You join in. You have given your consent to be a part of this.
I tell people what I am wearing to decorate. That's interesting. The brand of dungarees, the best. How the dungarees feel against my skin, together with the latex gloves...

By now the swifter will have realised that this isn't about decorating at all, and that posters have been fooled into becoming part of something that they do not wish to be involved in. Do you feel violated and a bit queasy?

It is not troll hunting to call this out. It is not troll hunting for someone to state that I and the thread are not all about decorating.
If anything, it's protective towards the more naive who are googling dungarees, and becoming more and more enmeshed without consenting.

Yes, there is no denying that suggesting a poster is not genuine falls under the strict and literal definition of troll hunting. And if we were all 8 years old, rather than grown adults, capable of seeing subtlety and context, it would be understandable that we'd be rushing off to tell tales because 'someone said a naughty'.

But doesn't it seem a bit daft to you that if the poster had said "I'm sure you're genuine OP, but the way you're describing it seems similar to the things a man might say, or to AI..." it would have been fine, but one remark to that effect without the qualifier gets someone trotting off to get her whole post and her pertinent points deleted?

It is troll hunting to point that out.

If you have concerns about a poster, you report it to MNHQ. You don't troll hunt on the thread.

It's a thread on the internet. If you don't consent to the subject matter, you click off or put your phone down. If you're really, genuinely concerned that some naive poster is going to be traumatised then PM them off thread.

PiranhaPeaches

Yes miss, you are right miss, I will be a good girl in future (maybe)
You still haven't answered my question?

I think you've got me mixed up with someone else. IIRC you were the one going on about toothless people etc. The modern slavery comment was by another person but was a good point.

I know a lot about BDSM as I have lived it at certain points in my life (but hopefully won't again.) At one point I was in a 24/7 D/s relationship like the alleged OP, except some of it was long distance.

BDSM is sexual but also includes not conventionally sexualised aspects, at least in a 24/7 D/s relationship. Otherwise it'd be full-on sex-related activities 24/7 for life and that'd be tiring.

Instead it can include things like domestic chores etc.

But I'm not encouraging BDSM as I think there are issues with it.

That's literally what troll hunting is

Typing a long post on why bread is delicious doesn't make it stop being bread! Typing long paras on why troll hunting is right (I agree!) doesn't make it stop being troll hunting

You might want to post on reddit instead – there's a sub for troll hunting on MN since it's disallowed on MN

It's a thread on the internet. If you don't consent to the subject matter, you click off or put your phone down.

Yes, if the thread is not what you wish to be involved in, you scroll past.
It's the realisation that the thread is not about decorating, after you have taken part that is the problem, and we have every right to voice our concern/disgust/ thoughts after we believe we have been lured into something we did not consent to.
Going out now, I'll argue with you when I get back

I’m not sure I’m following your logic, if a thread starts off as something then it becomes obvious that it is actually something else that the op is hoping to gain, surely it can be reported as such and people can just leave the discussion? Or choose not to discuss anything that they don’t feel comfortable with in the first place?

what OP is discussing isn’t decorating dressed up as a latex fetish, it is a particular lifestyle that does exist in the real world, she’s barely answered on here so I can’t see how it has started as something then moved onto something else with an ulterior motive? unless I’m totally missing something?

it’s not a lifestyle that interests me but I do have an inherent curiosity as to what makes people tick, and why they do the things they do, I see quite a lot of people come onto threads like this just to take the piss though, which seems odd, surely a certain amount of taking things at face value is required, so if you don’t like the subject matter or believe the op why not just move on?

So your husband isn’t a dominant then if you have controlling tendencies @BellaDelBosco you’re the dominant.

cant wait for the next reply though

I don't think singing God Save the King means HM gets to tell them whether or not they can sit on a cushion rather than a chair or that they have to be submissive to him all the time.

Yes was replying you both at once – quoted her and tagged you

"BDSM is sexual but also includes not conventionally sexualised aspects" – that's the whole point surely, that BDSM sexualises activities that aren't conventionally (in non-BDSM lifestyles) sexualised. It's not sex but it's sexualised.

I know there are probably functional/practical elements involved, but let's not pretend this, or BDSM in general, doesn't primarily have a sexual basis

Fairly sure Charles isn’t telling them what to do at any time. 😂

I think the op confused patriotism with subservience, amongst other things he or she confused.

As far as I'm aware, and I could be wrong, is that the OPs 24/7 lifestyle is sexualised. They're both getting off on and finding sexual gratification in their master/servant dynamic.

@BellaDelBosco Thank you for the thread, off to read it as only just found it but a subject I find very interesting

So open??! Were you reading the same responses 🤷‍♀️

And can you please explain the weird comments with regard to being time limited because of “her big important job”. That spoke to me of this being written by a bloke who’s a bit thick and lacks the imagination to make this credible but wants to get his message out - “See Ladies we real men are happy to let you play boss at work so long as you know your place at home” 🙄

Actually annoyed with myself that I’m dignifying this nonsense with replies. MUST STOP 🛑

😉😂🥴

This thread is really boring.

Maybe they were on a hair trigger and that was all it took.

I make decisions all day at work & the idea of handing home decisions over to someone I trust is quite appealing.

OP - do you give all of your earnings to your DH or do you keep separate accounts/joint accounts

Has your DH ever made a decision that you really didn't like & do you just have to live with it?

Do you have friends that live the same way ?

Oh yes, thanks for some fresh air on this!

@BellaDelBosco - such a shame that many posters here are being nasty and vindictive. Why do they bother attacking like that? Nobody admires time wasting posters.

Unfortunately it seems so many people nowadays simply enjoy ‘having a go’ at others.

OP, you’ve explained yourself well, and I wish you luck with this AMA facing such hostility. An interesting topic, but clearly the etiquette of AMA is beyond a lot of MNers.

@swimlyn completely agree - if you don't agree just scroll on.

OP isn't lecturing you about how wrong you live you your life so what gives you the right to lecture her ?