I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

You can label this relationship whatever you want to, but "woman voluntarily submits to man in every decision and does all the housework and is grateful to him for doing a bit of housework and making her cups of tea" is not fucking "subversive". Jesus fucking christ.

This. It’s about as subversive as patriarchy. The difference is that the OP claims to enjoy being screwed by it.

What a weird way to talk about older people. Quite derogatory.

As for the assumption slaves are only there as sexual beings, and female natch, you should take a look at modern slavery. Such as girls and women forced into prostitution, men forced into restaurant kitchens. Women working in expensive homes as round the clock cleaner's or Nannies.

You have to be taking the piss here. Open and genuine?

Not surprised you're a fellow sub if you're so easily impressed.

@aztecpaddle Cailin is right. I'm sure he won't complain at someone doing chores for him, whatever their age. Or even some semblance of sexual stuff. Especially when he himself is old and might not be able to pull someone younger.

Who knows, he might even like OP (as much as he's capable of it.)

The OP will be ‘feeding’ from this thread (as will others in their situation seeing this thread) which I find very odd. Her as the submissive him as the dominant. Imo there’s some unlocked trauma that makes any adult need serious counselling to live a life like this.

I’ve seen a LOT on Mn over the years but to allow this thread to stand is awful. MN has changed recently in its moderation.

The OP is very well written, by a person with a clear mind and strong boundaries. Note it doesn’t say her husband tells her to sit on the floor, so she is not being treated like a dog. Quite the opposite.

I think the OP is a woman in a position of authority, who has actually decided what the relationship will be, and the husband’s control is perceived- not real.

Seems like a great distraction and distance from a high stressed job where she’s exhausted from being a boss at work, and just wishes to be her version of a less dominant woman when she gets behind her door. Like most controlling men, her husband probably realises he’s not all that ‘powerful’, so is happy to acquiesce to the OP’s fantasy 🤷🏽‍♀️. Probably gives him a boost, thinking he’s in charge.

I’m interested to know more, but people will probably fill the thread with disbelief and disapproval before the OP gets done with her wifely duties.

Gaaah my first thought was 'does he put the bins out!' Maybe we are doms in waiting

What's the sex like

Hi @BellaDelBosco, thanks for putting yourself there with this AMA.

People outside don't understand the dynamics of the Sub/Dom relationship at all!

For those of you that are "outside" the most fundamental thing you need to understand is that ALL of the initial power is in the hands of the Sub. The Sub sets their boundaries, sets their safe words, any genuine Dom accepts/ negotiates these boundaries and agrees to them.

A good Dom will push the boundaries but not force their Sub beyond them if refuse. A genuine Sub/Dom relationship is respectful both ways and enjoyable for both

This! An old friend of mine once described it as, ‘the sub draws the picture but the Dom chooses how it gets coloured in’.

There are a lot of DimDoms out there that think being dominant is about being controlling, barking orders and getting everything their way. Couldn’t be further from the truth 😁.

The fact that you sit on the floor and he makes all the financial decisions doesn't sit right with me. Apparently you work, too - I find that dynamic quite abusive.

If you are interested in theorists of power, you would know that choices are not made in a vacuum, and all choices made by a woman are not intrinsically feminist. Have you read Althusser on interpellation? Eagleton on ideology? Any feminist thinkers?

The only thing that surprises me about this thread is how disappointingly boring it is! The OP’s responses are so waffly and uninteresting.

This. But replace “missionary” with “woman on top”.

Oh I dunno, the new posters proclaiming to also be subs and loving the op has made me chortle. 😂

although I’m sadly very disappointed the op never returned to tell us how hee husband was managing to hold her from his lofty sofa position.

As I said, playacting.

How exhausting. I can’t imagine never having genuinely meaningful sex with the person I loved, but always having to remember who’s meant to be doing what and where and what’s allowed and what’s not and what image am I meant to be projecting right now and and and…

"Ask me anything - I'll answer a handful of questions in a vague and superficial way and then fuck off"

Maybe they’ve been told they can’t post anymore? 😂

OP literally said she’ll be be back “later or tomorrow” so everyone saying she’s disappeared calm down!

Good morning all. I woke up to some 300 posts this morning. Quick glance: heartfelt thank you to those who have supported me, but also thank you to those who have questioned me: this allows me to clarify, also to myself, some important points.

One quick observation: when a similar thread was written by a male submissive people were a lot kinder to him - it would be interesting to explore the reasons why.

So, on the matter of answering: please allow me some time to categorize the posts and answer to them in groups. Please also keep in mind that I work full time and I have a team to look after and several work projects, today I have lots of meetings so, apart a few quick responses I may not be able to address the questions in full until the afternoon. Fridays are also the days that my partner and I go out for our 'drinks and dynamic' evening, where we find a quiet place and we discuss what's going on in our sentimental week and plan our weekend (oh actually I forgot there's football on tonight so I may get some time to do it then although I'd like to support France tonight. I'll do my best).

I am sorry you are not finding my answers enlightening. I shall try to be clearer, within the boundaries I have established in my original post.

For those who will still find my answers 'not enough' or 'too theoretical' (that's how I interpret my reality) I would like to direct you towards a podcast/youtube series called 'LovingBDSM' where long time 24/7 D/s couple discuss their relationship, talking about topics such as 'submissives with controlling issues' (hahaha guilty as charged!). Evie Lupine is also another very popular submissive BDSM educator.

See you all soon, I hope.

How does that work in reality, outside the realms of fantasy? How do you stop a boiled frog scenario where boundaries are pushed further and further? How do you stop abusive men from taking advantage of the situation? Is it truly consensual if it's a traumatised woman reenacting past abuse or is that seen as part of the 'play'?

Yawn. This thread is almost as boring as this relationship sounds.

How do you know? And if so, why is this (tedious) thread still going?