I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

Why was my reply deleted and what talk guidelines did I break? I simply responded to another poster saying this thread made me feel queasy too. I agreed this thread is making a mockery of those who have suffered controlling behaviour in domestically abusive relationships.

Since when MN condone abusive relationships? This thread is hardly in ‘the spirit’ of MN is it?

Hard to keep up now.

@BellaDelBosco do you even like football or do you watch it because your dh wants /told you too. ?

are you saying you have chosen this because it's a safe space to relive your childhood trauma? I find that really concerning

what did your children think about their mother always sitting on the floor in the living room?

do you really truly believe you can consent to being enslaved?

Do you see yourself growing old (toothless, wrinkly, the works) together? I don't know much about this sub dom slave thing etc but I don't feel like a toothless old woman slave is very sexy and goes with the vibe of the whole thing? Do you think he will get a younger sexy slave then? Or will you both "outgrow" the slave thing and transition into a real relationship? Genuine question

Hi everyone,
Just a reminder that trollhunting is againstt our talkguidelines. Please get in touch with us if you have concerns about a poster.

If you’re the one wanting to take it further you’re the dominant one not your husband surely.

now who’s idea was it 20 years ago yours or his or both?

I'm sorry @BellaDelBosco I do try to understand. It reads to me as you are taking the abuse you suffered as a child and are believing this re-creation is better because it is done in 'love' and because you gave 'permission'. That's very very deeply problematic.

Haha.

Cos, like, that always helps.

So it sounds a pretty normal relationship to me where you both do things for each other and you both have areas that you prefer to control more eg you kitchen, dh finance. Maybe with a bit of kink in the bedroom.

Clearly a rivetingly exciting existence.

11 men who get paid a shit tonne of money and spend it exactly how they like.

11 men who have full human rights and liberties in a democracy.

Avd the national anthem is symbolic .... The monarchy has v little power of any sort. They just haven't gotten rid of them yet because of the culture here. No-one is subordinate to the monarch. We are free to be republicans. We are free to campaign to get rid of them.

It doesn't work as an analogy, at all.

what did your children think about their mother always sitting on the floor in the living room?

Oh no, they don't have kids, do they.

are you saying you have chosen this because it's a safe space to relive your childhood trauma? I find that really concerning

I've skipped to the last couple of pages and am not remotely surprised to see stuff like this being mentioned.

How did it all begin op?

I really wish people would stop using the term "vanilla" as it implies that anything not-BDSM related is plain and boring.

What if someone thinks BDSM is boring? Does that mean BDSM is "vanilla" to that person?

Please also bear in mind that there are countless unusual and strange sexual practices and fetishes that have nothing to do with BDSM.

Does he control the remote or are you really into football?

Does he control the money that you earn? As in he banks it and gives you a little bit of your own wages?

Do you have a corner sofa or like a 3 pc suite because if there is only one person sitting on it, what’s the point?

I never troll hunted and my comment was deleted. Can you please tell me why as I can’t see anything in the talk guidelines that I went against. I’d prefer the reply to be posted on the thread if you don’t mind.

This thread did make me feel queasy as it did many others who responded but all of our comments have been deleted.

I’d also like to ask why are MN allowing threads to stand where domestic abuse may be happening? It’s really not in the spirit of the site.

While sitting on the floor…

But she’s not relinquishing control. She has a choice - do I do as he says or not. That’s having control.

Strongly agree, the term 'vanilla' suggests there's something wrong with you if you don't want to be whipped, urinated on, strangled etc; God knows what it must be doing to young women. I am extremely vanilla and proud, I tend to think if you need more than 'normal' sex you're with the wrong person! I find that if I'm hugely attracted to someone then lights-off-missionary would more than hit the spot - the only time I've felt the need to try and spice things up is when the sex has been dismal and I've been trying to make it work cos I liked their personality...

Edited to add that I do appreciate people are different - my point is that I think shaming people with the term 'vanilla' is wrong, if you're someone who genuinely likes being whipped, urinated on, strangled etc then great! But please don't try and act like there's something wrong with people who don't.

Why the need to get put labels on everything? Doesn't it just feel like self absorption and hard work?

It's easy to say that but we all know how manipulative/coercive men can be. If they 'expect' a certain thing and don't get it/the woman changes their mind, they can make life very difficult.

Men who are 'Doms' often have certain tendencies too- it's not always all role play in my experience, some of the misogyny and cruelty can be their real personality.

No questions here, just a smile and a wave from a fellow sub! You two sound fab together, with a lovely, mutually-enriching dynamic 😊. Thanks for being so open and genuine in this AMA - it really helps people to understand the reality that underpins healthy D/s, which is only ever a good thing!

EDIT: Oh, I just read the last couple of pages of responses and sighed. I’m sorry, OP - you come across as a strong, independent and intelligent person who has found a great partner who respects you and that you can therefore trust enough to be completely yourself with him (and hopefully he can say the same!). Sometimes it’s hard for people to understand that.