I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

And you're giving it. Well done. Full marks there.

I feel like I’m missing something. What I’m getting so far is that this is basically a very traditional (but loving) marriage. The unusual part is that you lovingly and safely reenact violent trauma in your sex life. But that doesn’t play out 24/7 so most of the time the sub/dom dynamic is you asking permission for things? And also does your DH have similar/opposite/any trauma?

I'm going to shout back at you

YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW THAT.

Also. I'm a Polish commie. AMA. Really? I'm a fucking troll AMA more like

I'm not sure a woman can be mentally well to consent to being at the 100% beck and call of a man, to want CNC and to be beaten to get off.

Men who agree to CNC are gross and should be behind bars. Men who have to beat women in order to get off should be behind bars. These 'lifestyles' are just ways for men to abuse women.

It all sounds very stepford wife.

Its all in other threads along with various other stuff.

Isn't this exactly what therapy advises against? The past is addictively comforting even as it's painful, and we all have a tendency to seek out our dysfunctional parents in the form of our partners.

The whole "my partner now is violent/controlling/derogatory/distant/etc BUT loving" thing in the present as an adult is subconsciously (but specifically!) sought out to try and cast our past/childhood/parents in a more positive light. Our parents, but with a positive aspect. I think this is probably your way of getting the parental approval you never had.

I don't doubt that your partner may be a good man who treats you well and you both love each other, but you fear the true vulnerability and authenticity of a real relationship. I don't think you believe someone can love you for who you are and see something special in you as you are, without your grovelling child / false naivety element.

I would totally 100% get it as a kink sort of thing! But to base your whole relationship on this just screams unmet childhood needs manifesting in inauthentic and tedious playacting. Sorry if this is rude! Just my honest view which I know you didn't ask for.

@BellaDelBosco I used to have one like that briefly. Don't you feel like doing your own thing sometimes, or find a task he sets you sounds boring and you CBA? I'm not even a 'brat' at all as a sub. But I got bored. Thankfully we didn't live in the same city, so if he set me a task like walking round my flat in high heels to practice for 15 mins a day, in the end I would lie and said I'd done it when I hadn't.

He also was more into the beatings than I was.

What are your religious beliefs and do they intertwine with this?

Is anyone else reading this and feeling an unexpected moment of love and appreciation for their own relationship which doesn’t require reading books and relationship counselling, and everyone can sit where they like, and sometimes you wash up and sometimes he does and sometimes no one does and that’s OK, and in bed you can do whatever you fancy and sometimes that means you just cuddle or watch TV, and you’re not endlessly playacting a role?

Plot twist - cushiononthefloor is the OP. The name is a giveaway, you dont need Poirot for that.

Interesting.
No questions.
😊

Often, when reading the awful things on here including this.

Just crack on if it makes you happy. Can't see what there is to ask. Sorry.

I'm quite keen to meet someone, but things like this thread make me grateful I'm single.

'GoodieMcTwoshoes · Today 22:05
@BellaDelBosco I used to have one like that briefly. Don't you feel like doing your own thing sometimes, or find a task he sets you sounds boring and you CBA? I'm not even a 'brat' at all as a sub. But I got bored. Thankfully we didn't live in the same city, so if he set me a task like walking round my flat in high heels to practice for 15 mins a day, in the end I would lie and said I'd done it when I hadn't.
He also was more into the beatings than I was.'

...and even queasier.