I only felt relief when my DH died - I don't think that's terrible

[Fartooold]

Just wanted to start a thread about spouses who died, and why I don't think that is necessarily the worst thing that can happen to you.

Why? Ask away!

I haven't even name changed....🙄

Oh bugger, cocked up thread title😳

Maybe read a bit more than a title, particularly on a sensitive subject?

You're showing your ignorance here.

Thank you for this thread @Fartooold . I am in the throes of this at the moment. My dad , who was a uni professor and used to lecture to hundreds can now barely get an intelligible word out. He is sitting in a chair in a hospital gown. He was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago but is now in hospital with sepsis. He would hate this. Relief is definitely a valid response.

My Dad died at the beginning of this month after a long illness .I can and did say I was relieved that it was over .I have been caring for him and my mother who has Dementia for the last two years .I have been away from my family and friends as I live in a different country to them. He was no longer able to do anything for himself and had shrunk into a tiny emaciated being .Gone was the big tall gentleman that I remembered as a child and young woman growing up I have grieved for the last few years for my dad .His passing and his funeral attended by so many was a celebration of the man he was and not what he had become .

This beggars belief.. how on earth did you land on DV from the OP?!

Might have been easier to ask for your post deleted.

Should you find yourself in a similar position again. People don’t pay attention to every user name and rarely read a whole thread

Originally there was a stray v on the end of the word "died" in the thread title which was very obviously a typo (especially as the OP said in her first post that she'd made a mistake).

Still a huge leap to domestic violence though!

I know. I saw the original title. Absolutely totally and utterly obvious it was a typo. The doubling down and back tracking is quite frankly ridiculous.

Hello

I totally understand your reasoning. My sister died at the young age of 35. She was incredibly ill with cancer before hand for 3 years. You wouldnt do to a dog what she went through. It turned her into a incredibly difficult, angry person. It made our lives hell (and her young children). Having children of my own now I understand her anger but it was horrendous at the time. When she died the relief was something else. My siblings and I were able to voice it to each other but not to the outside work. I get very sad sometimes as I've forgotten who she was before the illness
Only remember the almost violent outbursts and being constantly worried about setting her off. God she put up such a fight to cancer but not wj
with grace I'm afraid.
She never should have went through what she did.
So yes OP, i get you

So many sad stories, my heart goes out to you all, especially if you're struggling with end of life at the moment.
It's nice to have a safe space to articulate how you feel, following DHs death, I often felt I was acting the part of the grieving widow rather than experiencing it.
I have had the time and space to come to terms with his death now. My initial reaction was relief, then guilt because I felt relieved, then shame because I felt I was pretending to be distraught when I wasn't, then came the the emptiness, the true grieving for the man I had lost, not the shell he had become.
I cried, laughed and celebrated my life with him over the course of a few months, and came to terms with my loss.
I'm in a good place now - a truly happy place. I started this thread in the hope that it would give us all an opportunity to say what we truly felt, not what society demands.
Anyways, much love and support to those going through this shite - no matter how you're feeling 😁

My DSIS was pregnant when BIL died. They were both only in their 30s. I loved the bones of him, really did, he was one of my best mates and had been for two decades. But after several years of illness it was a relief honestly. I know my sister didn't feel it was right to 'move on' and played the widow when I know deep down she didn't feel it, but she finally has after 6 years and I'm going to her wedding next week, along with my much loved nephew who adores his stepdad. I know exBIL dad is resentful and would it seems like my sister to be single for life. Frankly that's his issue.

There are no rules about how long you need to grieve. In your case (as with my sister) you've already grieved through the illness.

Wish you all of the luck in the world x

When someone dies there are so many emotions involved And relief can be one. When my DM died I was obviously very sad (I still miss her and it was 25 years ago). However, it was some relief as she didn’t suffer for too long, but then I feel guilt and wish she hadn’t got ill in the first place or got treatment earlier.
I was a teen when my DDad died and my emotions were all over the shop. We had a very tumultuous relationship- I would say (in today’s terms) he was borderline abusive so I did feel some sense of internal relief that life would be easier (it was), but also sad that he was dead. My life would have been very different had he lived, I do know that.

I hope you don’t mind @Fartooold , but I thought maybe some contact details for different support organisations might be handy for some people here.

Cruse Bereavement Services
https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Mind
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/support-and-self-care/

Take care of yourselves, everyone.

Great idea, thank you !

@Fartooold , thank you for your kind comments. I am honored that 7 pages down you have read and responded. I'm sorry that your DH had to endure 2 miserable years.

We had 7 years of successful treatments, some v. grim. He endured 2 stem cell transplants. Due to their nature, these happened mostly behind closed doors - I wasn't even really present for them so he went through that alone. But in between these, he managed a boggling array of meds but lived as normal. Many friends did not even know he was fundamentally unwell.

Recently, due to leg pain and nerve damage, I was bracing for a long period of semi incapacitation and a genuine loss of daily life for him. I was worried that he'd end up in a wheelchair or worse for an indefinite time, curtailing any semblance of normal life, so I am relieved and grateful that he didn't have to deal with that.

His decline was so sudden and his death is still very recent for everyone else so I continue to play my part(s). He was genuinely an amazing man and everyone seems to believe in our public façade. He deserves that so I will not disabuse them. I am enjoying the freedom to do as I please in my own time. Enjoy what you have now and keep the memories of happy times.

💐

I definitely share your sentiments OP. IME the worst part of my dad's long protracted illness, being crippled in both is body and his mind, was seeing him suffer. For seven years. He wanted to die so many times, but all we were left with to placate him, was mumbling "I'm so sorry dad but it's just not your time yet". I see no problem talking about death. Also, when it's been long illness, you actually start being mentally affected yourself. It has broken my family dynamic and caused huge resentment on my part, which is constantly simmering under the surface, even though we lost him a few months ago now. My mother is still alive and to all intents and purposes still fit and well but leaning on myself and my siblings and doling out her 'diary' and 'appointments' like we are some sort of personal assistants. I am so angry (disproportionatly angry) as I feel we've just been through one terminally long burden, straight into another, with the more difficult parent. I think I'm just suffering empathy fatigue, which makes me feel so guilty. It never used to be my default emotion - I was the most empathetic member of the family. Not now. It's the guilt, the guilt you live with, day in, day out. I fucking hate being a carer and I am adamant I shall never put my own kids through this.

We all felt relieved when my beloved dad died. Knowing he was suffering so much every day and no quality of life was terrible. If he had asked me to help him pass I’d have seriously considered it as it was horrendous to see him like that. He had a lung disease and could barely move. If that was my beloved dog, I’d have had him humanely destroyed months earlier. It was so wrong my dad had to suffer so much so it was a relief when his suffering was over