I only felt relief when my DH died - I don't think that's terrible

[Fartooold]

Just wanted to start a thread about spouses who died, and why I don't think that is necessarily the worst thing that can happen to you.

Why? Ask away!

I haven't even name changed....🙄

Oh bugger, cocked up thread title😳

I took it as you had experienced domestic violence. Maybe you should have your title edited.

No questions but I hope you and your husband are both at peace now.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I haven't been in your specific situation but I can empathise with your sense relief. I think it's really healthy to talk about this. Often people feel enormous guilt about feeling relief. Death happens to us all eventually, we can all hope for a "good death" but it's absolutely justifiable to feel relief after a long, protracted or difficult death.

Well done for discussing it here.

I also don’t think you need to delete this Op. It’s pretty obvious what you meant.

Same. I look after people in their homes who are end of life and it is very often a sense of a blessed release when they pass.

I am sorry for your loss @Fartooold 💐

I agree. It shouldn't be deleted. You have a right to your feelings. This thread could help other people who feel guilty for feeling that relief.

Obviously you need to talk about it. That's a good thing
For my 2 penny's worth:
My Dad had Alzheimers. he was a suffering, lost, castaway. His passing away nearly broke me, but I was glad it was over for him
My Mothers final months, were physically 80 % handicapped with incontinence, she was almost blind, mostly deaf, had had Multiple Sclerosis for 45 years. Couldn't eat & begged to be let go... I was glad it was over for her
My H has had a stroke, he is not the man I met & loved. He is a half a person in every sense. He is now my 7 year old. I will be glad when it's over for Me.

I meant to add sorry for your loss @Fartooold

Right, how dare she have a different experience or perspective from yours.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I understand.

I knew what you meant op. Having watched a loved one die from pancreatic cancer, I fully agree.

I know what you mean OP. In the last few hours with DF my mum kept telling him to let go as he was holding on and in a lot of pain. Nothing can harm them now. Sorry for your loss x

@Fartooold I am sorry for what you've gone though, if it's ok to ask?

Was your spouse aware that they were dying, and how did you support them, was there any form of words which set them at ease?

How did you manage your own needs during this time?

It would have been our 46th wedding anniversary today, that's what brought it all to mind.
He was my biggest advocate, not the easiest of men, but always wonderful to me.
He had a protracted and horrible death. I started this thread to say ' it's okay to just be relieved when they pass, rather than distraught- the emotion you're meant to feel'.

But it all went wrong.

I honestly felt relied when he passed, I truly felt released from a never ending life of misery.

Of course the aching for him came later, the pain of losing him. But at that time of his death ,I felt nothing but a burden being lifted and a huge sense if relief that this life of ....waiting?? was over.

And i still don't think that's wrong- its a natural, but a hidden emotion.

I would like to give a hug/ hand hold to anyone going through this now, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Take care xx

I completely get it. When my DM died I remember DF, DSis and I sitting round the kitchen table and having a beer. The overwhelming feeling was relief that she was no longer suffering. It honestly felt that a horrible, insidious presence had left the house.
I’m very sorry for your loss OP, and others in a similar situation.

That's real life for you....can't be all fairy lights and candy floss!

Grow up!

Do not bloody delete this thread!

If that is how you felt then that is FINE

Don't, because it's true. Different situation but when my MIL was dying DH was practically begging her (in a coma) to just go. My friend was the same with her fiancé during COVID when he was in hospital and it became clear there was no coming back from how ill he was. Just wanted it to be over, for him more than her.

If it's inevitable, they're deeply unwell and just a matter of time what are the other options? Prolonged coma/pain/illness? Surely ending the suffering all round is preferable.

I don't blame you OP and I'm sorry for your loss x

I think it’s natural when someone has had a long illness, I genuinely think we prop people up for too long with medical interventions when it might be kinder not too. It’s important to consider quality of life imo

Absolutely ! I willed my DM to die !! I loved her so much but couldn't bear the painful suffering.. and as there was as no other option I just wanted it to end.. for her AND ALL OF US

Please do not delete. So many of us have an absolute feeling of relief, a weight lifted. Not just for the person that had gone, stopped being in pain and suffering but for ourselves. It is not selfish, it is natural and human. When everyone is exhausted from the whole process of death it would be unusual not to feel some sense of relief.

In my horrible, clumsy way, I just wanted to say that it's okay to not be distraught/ inconsolable/lost beyond reason when someone close to you dies. Sometimes, it's okay to feel relief⚘️⚘️⚘️

@Fartooold having recently lost DH after a prolonged period of pain and suffering I totally understand.

I think relief at a death is common, but for some reason we're not allowed to say it. I've certainly felt it. Who wants to see someone they love suffer a long, protracted decline? Death is absolutely not the worst thing that can happen, and we all need to be more open and honest about it.

I think it's very important to have these kind of conversations. I'm sorry for your loss and for the losses that other posters on this thread have experienced