I only felt relief when my DH died - I don't think that's terrible

[Fartooold]

Just wanted to start a thread about spouses who died, and why I don't think that is necessarily the worst thing that can happen to you.

Why? Ask away!

I haven't even name changed....🙄

Oh bugger, cocked up thread title😳

I remember my DSis FIL saying how all his aches and pains cleared up after his wife died. She had had massive strokes one after the other and was, by the end, using a wheelchair, needing help when she needed the loo (incontinent at the end), she sobbed once when she indicated to me that she needed to go to the loo as she felt so undignified - what could I do other than get her husband and hug her? He realised that he'd been holding it all in and the distress and anger had manifested itself as shoulder pain, back ache etc., The day after her death every ache and pain disappeared.

My dad died with cancer (thankfully very soon after being diagnosed) and my mum with Alzheimers. I was the first port of call for appointments, organising carers, had the early morning/late night phone calls when she had falls (of which she had many before she finally got a residential home space). Similarly to my DSis FIL I didn't realise how much my body was taking the stress until she finally went into a home. And when she died I cried not just from grief but from knowing I wouldn't have to deal with another issue - it felt like I took two steps forward only to find her Alzheimer's running ahead every single time. We never seemed to get to a place where we could just 'rest' for a while before the next unexpected onslaught of the dreadful disease.

I understand exactly what you mean.

So much resonates here - I played the part that was expected of me so many times - a different face for different people, but nothing as difficult as yours.
I never saw the the amazing, unequal heroe that my dh was to some- he wasn't, he was a lovely, ordinary guy, promoted to superhero status because he died young.
We weren't in the first flush of romance, but were life long, closest friends and companions. I often feel that people want me to mourn more deeply than I have, but I'm glad he is at peace, because he certainly wasn't in his last two years of life and I'm happy to have a life of my own back.

I imagine you now feel able to be yourself, rather than acting the devoted wife?

It's si difficult yo know how one should feel and behave😏

No it isn't tasteless at all, there are many women who are relived that their partner has died and for many reasons. I am so glad you life is so good you can never imagine a time when you would be glad your partner had died.

I get what you're saying op and I'm glad you haven't deleted the thread.

My dad died of cancer last year and by the end it was everywhere and he was in such pain. His death was a release for him and my mum. Obviously if we could have him back minus the cancer then we'd wish it in a heartbeat. But as that's not possible then his death was what we wished for.

This.

@ZekeZeke · not sure why you would think that feeling relief if someone’s violent partner dies?

It’s a different kind of relief I grant you, someone with a terminal illness the relief is because the suffering is over. For the violent partner it’s ok to be glad the fucker is dead. Nothing tasteless about that.

We are allowed to say death is a relief.

Sanctimonious twats get sniffy about most end of life cos they haven’t seen the half of it. Or done the care work.

Grief and loss remain. 💐 to all.

It's not tasteless

My MIL had a long drawn out journey to death;it was utterly shit.

She had mentally left us a long time before she died;her body was barely functional;she was a husk of a human being;she had no quality of life and caring for her as a family was physically and mentally exhausting especially for my FIL.

MIL's passing was a relief and we had been prepared for it to happen.

For someone else I know her husband died suddenly when they were both in their thirties;for her it was a release;he was charming to everyone outwardly but was an abusive POS towards her which is often the case.He died and she finally started living again.

Because you’ve not seen indescribable suffering doesn’t mean others haven’t.

only on mumsnet would a widow be apologising.

Exactly this. I lost my wonderful dad at 67 to bowel cancer and mum a 75 to dementia. Both disappeared slowly before my eyes and I grieved them before they died. Their deaths were a blessing x

I was relieved when my mum died. I have never cried over her because I did all of that before she passed. She had a long drawn out cancer death and because she wanted to be at home, the bulk of the care fell to me. I had a toddler at the time and lived 30 miles away. I had to cut my work hours and the financial impact on me was huge. Of course I did this because I loved her and she deserved peace in her own home. However, it was exceptionally difficult and I make no apologies for that.

The irony of you getting in a strop about other posters having a knee jerk reaction to your knee jerk reaction 🙄

Fartooold thank you for starting this conversation and your honesty.

I lost my lovely dad two months ago. Although he was old and frail,he was still going to work every day,and his death was a huge shock. I saw him hours before he died,and although obviously unwell,he was discussing a job he was planning to do and how to do it. He died suddenly,a few hours after I left.
I miss him terribly,but,after being on the 'elderly parents' board, I'm very much aware of the toll that caring takes,and that death isn't always like falling asleep.

Dad was a hard worker,very active and an intelligent man who could fix or invent anything. I'm relieved for him that he died suddenly and quickly. The sort of slow decline where he'd be immobile and not be able to do the things he loved would have been hell for him,and us. Luckily I'm able to talk about this with my mum and sister,and we all agree that if he had to die,that was the best way,quickly with no pain. I'm aware that not everyone is so lucky.
I loved my dad and saw him almost every day,we worked together. I miss him terribly but that doesn't mean that I wasn't relieved when he died the way he did.

I don’t know if it’s been mentioned and I missed it, but there is a thread on Elderly Parents - ‘So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die’ - well more than one now as it’s been so good for folk to have a space for those feelings that you feel you shouldn’t or can’t share in real life.
It was an absolute godsend for me when EOL caring - and this thread is a godsend too for people. It’s so good this sort of thing is being talked about rather than the pretence we are living in a Disney movie and have ‘suitable’ feelings.
It is too though brave to start it - so a big thank you to @Fartooold for this thread. Thoughts with all in a place that means they need this thread.

Very eloquent post tarheelbaby

@Fartooold I know what you mean, I watched my.mum die a very painful death from cancer. She wasn't my mum anymore, she asked to die several times before she did.

I was so glad she wasn't in pain anymore. I think we are kinder to animals in this regard, letting an animal suffer like that would be classed as cruelty so why we let decent, loveling humans suffer is beyond me.

I miss her everyday. ❤

I understand OP. I think it's quite normal to feel an initial sense of relief when someone has suffered so much and are freed from it. It doesn't mean you don't miss them or wish they were with you in different circumstances.

My DH died in 2008. He was 56. He had been ill for a year. Brain tumour. It was a horrendous time. Our child was 11 years old. We both grieved for him during that year but did not realise this. So when he died and we were relieved we felt guilty. We didn't talk about it but I know we both felt the same. We felt so guilty about that relief, especially as we didn't understand then why we felt that way.
Then in 2016 we watched "A Monster Calls" by Patrick Ness. We knew then why we were relieved when DH died. We were able to talk to each other about it then.

Or maybe, as you don't know the circumstances of his death, you move along.

Can I just say this... I am a Carer for my much older husband... very medically complex and in ill health... and I adore him... but I will be you one day @Fartooold and I too will feel relief... relief for him that ill health and invalidity is over... My Aunt nursed my Uncle for 13 terrible terrible years. He suffered with severe clinical depression and had dementia. We were all getting worried about the impact on her. Uncle died a year ago in March 2023... my Aunt, altho sad, has bloomed since his passing... the mantle of exhaustion and stress has been lifted from her... Would I do it all again with DH, damned right I would.. he's given me a beautiful Daughter... would I do it with anyone else... NO. In a time yet to pass my only caring duties will be to my Daughter and any of her children that may come.... I'm done..

I think feeling relief when someone is free from pain is normal. I know when my mum died from bowel cancer although heartbreaking it was a relief as she wasn’t going to get better and she had suffered greatly. It completely broke me to hear her say she couldn’t bear it any longer.
When my baby daughter died horrible as it is to say it was also a relief. She had battled and been through so much, she had contracted an infection and had been poked and prodded and went through painful procedures for weeks. The final straw for me was when they had put a candula (not sure if that’s the right word) in badly and the blood supply to her leg was affected and when they quite casually mentioned that she would have to have that leg amputated - my heart ripped open and I just couldn’t bear the thought of her little body being put through any more so it was a relief.

@MigGirl Totally agree. ❤️

If you thought that then your own response was tasteless, not the original post.