I only felt relief when my DH died - I don't think that's terrible

[Fartooold]

Just wanted to start a thread about spouses who died, and why I don't think that is necessarily the worst thing that can happen to you.

Why? Ask away!

I haven't even name changed....🙄

Oh bugger, cocked up thread title😳

Thank you - glad you understood through all my typos!!

Whist I'm on a roll, I never knew the calibre of the man I was married to !
I have almost fallen out with people who.have insisted on making him into a latter-day Saint, capable of no wrongs.

He was a lovely man, but did not suffer fools gladly and was no saint😎

A friend of ours did a eulogy, and hand on heart, I did not recognise the man he spoke of.
At the time, I thought it was just me, but now, I think we endow the dead with attributes we wanted then to have, not the flawed human beings we all are.

Anyways, naval gazing over - thank you for your support, and huge sympathy to anyone going through this crappiness at the moment ❤️

Let's keep talking honestly and openly about death - it's just another stage of life xx

I haven't read the whole thread but my first feeling after sadness when my mother died was great relief! And I'm still feeling a combination of the two emotions, 3 months later. It's tough having a very old or sick close relative.

Can I just finish by saying that every response has resonated with me, and I'm sorry if I haven't picked out your post - there have been so many.
I really appreciate the time and story you have had to tell, and hope you have all found peace, as I have, with your 'death'.

Let's keep talking about dying, and the feelings of those left behind - I do think it's important to acknowledge that all grieving is different, but all needs a shoulder to cry on💔

@Fartooold I just want to reassure you that this is a common response in palliative care - many relatives go through the grieving process whilst their loved one is still alive and if people’s loved one has gone through a lot of pain, or they loose important aspects of themselves eg. Dementia , it can be freeing that they pass. I have seen deaths that are joyful and beautiful …but those left behind will have all manner of responses and having a place to talk about it can be very helpful.

My mum died yesterday, Alzheimer’s. It was peaceful in the end but there were some fraught months prior. I’m sad but it was no life these last couple of years.

I felt like this when my grandparents died.

Both of them went on for weeks suffering and there was no chance of them coming through it and I just wanted them to be at peace.

Its not the same but my cat was suffering and I was so sad but relieved with he was PTS and could be pain-free.

I have changed my mind on human euthanasia and believe it should be an option.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Thank you x

Eh?

I’m so sorry for your loss and I absolutely get it.

My Dad broke his back January 2019, was put on end of life care two weeks into the first lockdown and eventually passed away in May 2021.

It was the hardest two years of my life and I live with an underlying sense of absolute terror that my mum might end up having a similarly protracted exit.

My late husband's horrible terminal illness certainly was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Given that things were only going to get worse with no hope of recovery or even remission, his death wasn't the worse thing that could have happened to him.

Will you PLEASE read my subsequent posts ffs. Last time asking posters to do this.
I've expressed my condolences to the OP.
I replied based on the initial ambiguous post.

PS the only emotion I felt (still feel) is rage

@Fartooold and @getsomehelp I’m so sorry … must be incredibly hard.

My mum said the same when her mother died. The caring had been so gruelling and limiting for so long, life for grandma was pretty miserable and there was no chance of her getting any better. Of course DM was sad to lose her mum but she was also relieved for grandma and excited about getting her own life back. No-one wants to see someone they love suffering without end, and most people wouldn't entirely relish the thought of caring for them day in day out with no end in sight.

@Fartooold thank you for a thread about societally unconventional feelings when a loved one dies.
As the responses show, there is no 'one size fits all' for this. Everyone's relationship with the deceased is individual.
It has been so helpful to read all the different posts and yet, as many as there are, none of them describes my feelings because it is all so idiosyncratic, so specific to each person.
Mainly, I am now playing a part for everyone else: his family, our children, colleagues, his friends. And I feel like a fraud. Do they all think I'm mad? or dim? or a greedy widow? Even my own relatives have no idea.
I keep thinking of the Guy de Maupassant short story where the dead come up out of their graves and rewrite their tombstones with the bitter facts.
I am hugely relieved. I am elated. I am in awe of DH's strength of character. He maintained his gentle good humour until the very end, graciously receiving any who came to visit or contacted him in hospice. I am grateful that his decline was abrupt: hardly 4 weeks. I am grateful that friends and family made the effort to visit.
I am angry that it took this crisis to spur his 'friends' to visit. He loved them all but I never thought that they rated him as much as he did them. They were always in his thoughts but I doubt they thought of him except when he sent them a Christmas card and they thought oh, must send a card. They all turned up for the funeral though ...
I can access his emails, his texts: so I know that none of them was in regular contact with him.
They remember him as a gentle genius; the most genial soul and blindingly clever. He deserves those memories.

But most would not understand why our marriage was a hollow shell, a total sham, because he checked out 12 years ago. He didn't want to split up but he didn't want to care either. He was not my champion, much less even a supporter, but most would find that hard to comprehend.

I’ve read the full thread. There was nothing ambiguous in the OPs post and you totally mind read DV. You jumped on her for no reason other than your misinterpretation of something that was totally clear to everyone else.

Are you referring to yourself as everyone else seems to have no issue with their understanding?

I’m sorry for all the losses here. It has been interesting for me to read and reflect. My husband died very suddenly (in our 30s) I am glad not to have suffered what many have with some of the drawn out horrific experiences but I am desperately sad that we never got to say goodbye.

There is absolutely not enough converstion about end of life care and assisted dying in UK/Ireland. My father died of vascular dementia at 63 after being diagnosed at 54. He suffered unbearably through those years, especially at the end and it took enormous toll on our family trying to keep his life as normal as possible for as long as possible.

He suffered from 'challenging behaviours' (the doctors term) and had huge anxiety in his final years. To the point he would beg us to kill him and at the very end we could be sitting beside him holding his hand and hed still be crying out for us in fear.

As for alot of people with dementia it was another ailment that got him in the end. He developed pneumonia and couldnt come back from it. Its very hard to talk about his final weeks as we wanted him to keep his dignity and protect him but speaking anonymously makes it easier.

TRIGGER WARNING-DEATH DESCRIPTION

I'd go so far as to say I wouldnt allow a dog to suffer how he did in his last weeks of living. He'd always been a healthy man prior to diagnosis so he just held on and on and we spent 2 weeks in shifts at his bedside while the doctors told us he was at the end. His heartbeat weakened but remained faint and the body started to do what it does when blood isnt circulating properly. We had experienced nurses leaving the room crying at the sight of him and I broke down myself when I realised they were placing tubs of cat litter under the bed to try absorb/counteract the smell. Im fairly sure i have ptsd from this time and i still have nightmares fairly regularly.

When he died as many above have already said it was mainly relief we felt as a family as he was finally no longer suffering. His consultant described dementia as the 'long goodbye". In many ways you end up grieving twice as you grieve the person you loved when the disease properly takes hold as you've lost them in spirit but you cant fully grieve until they've died. You end up walking around in a constant grief state essentially.

I hope I haven't upset anyone being too graphic but i think its important to talk about the realities of death and grief.

for OP and anyone dealing with loss at the moment.

I could have almost written this about my dad- although he wasn't a private person- he had been very active in local politics and had be quite high profile locally- until he was hit by vascular dementia and deteriorated quickly.
I had mourned my father a couple of years before he died- the man in the bed was not my dad.
I was sad, but relieved for him and for the rest of the family when he died. @Fartooold i understand your feelings.

You are so right. If you loved someone and they were suffering of course there is a sense of relief. I am not afraid of death but I am afraid of the process that gets me there. So I sometimes wish I was a dog as I wouldn’t be allowed to suffer!

I see what you’re saying and I think you’re brave to start this thread.
Life isn’t black or white.
I have a close family member who is chronically ill, it’s terrible for their spouse. They are very difficult to live with and have no quality of life IMO.
The care they require is running their partner into the ground and that is heartbreaking to see.