I only felt relief when my DH died - I don't think that's terrible

[Fartooold]

Just wanted to start a thread about spouses who died, and why I don't think that is necessarily the worst thing that can happen to you.

Why? Ask away!

I haven't even name changed....🙄

Oh bugger, cocked up thread title😳

I understand where you're coming from OP. Thankfully not lost my DH but with both my parents (one vascular dementia, suffered 2 years really badly, the other pancreatic cancer, he was 12 days diagnosis to death) there was definitely the feeling of wishing/hoping their suffering would be over quickly. Obviously there is only one kind of ending when things can't be fixed.

Wishing you all the best as I assume you are in this situation now?

The title of your OP DV

I felt relieved when my dad died. It doesn't mean I don't miss him or that I wasn't sad, but he wasn't suffering and I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

Fartooold, my immediate response to your OP was - she’s been where I was. My husband died 18 months ago. I could write the book about his unexpected, devastating diagnosis and the six months from that to him dying.
We had 42 good years together. We had children and grandchildren, interesting work, close friends and family. How lucky we were - yes tough times , who doesnt
i spent the last eight days of his life with him, our adult children with us. We three breathed sighs of relief as his breathing changed and we knew he’d not suffer much longer 💙.

I hope not to offend anyone when I say -this country needs assisted dying

I can absolutely see how you’d think that, but I think it is just an incredibly unfortunate random letter V on the end of “died”.

I'm actually past the worst of it, thank you🙂

I grieved before his death. Felt relief and a sense of freedom when he died.

Got, and still get, caught out at odd times

• turning to him to tell him about the bellend in the supermarket today, but theres no one there
• waking from a dream he was in, but the bed is empty.

BUT life has been good to me. I have some wonderful friends, an active social life and an absolutely fabulous family. I am very lucky, and I know it!

Much love OP. I get it. My mum was relieved when my dad died we all were.

For 14 years my dad had cancer it was horrific. He was initially given 6 months. He would spend 16 odd weeks in hospital home a few days and away back in again. My mum was exhausted between trying to work, care for him and visit the hospital not to mention the numerous middle of the night calls as they though he wouldn't live through the night.

He begged to die on many occasions, he was just done. He had no life whatsoever. At one stage he was 4 stone. He died on their 16th wedding anniversary in the end.

We all loved him. He was an amazing man, a complete gentleman but we were happy for his relief but not as happy he was.

Sorry Zeke- I did say in one of my first posts that the title was wrong- fat thumbs!
But no, absolutely no DV.

I'm not religious, but I prayed for my grandmother's death. She was in a living hell and she hated it. She wanted death. My dad described it as a "blessed release" when he emailed me to tell me she was finally gone and he was right.

There are worse things than death.

What on earth are you on about? Doesn't mention that anywhere and actually even if she was she could feel relief!

I felt relief when my mum died. She was in the advanced stages of dementia and no longer recognised her nearest and dearest x

It's horrible watching someone you love slowly and painfully die. Absolutely exhausting. Yes it can be relief when it's over. Often we grieve before a death also.

Also if you had a good marriage to be parted by death although sad is the natural conclusion. The vows are to death do we part afterall. So if that is the end you did keep your vows , your marriage was complete.

Grief is complex so many emotions, not all pretty. But relief that a painful period is over is natural.

x

That is truly awful.

My DH was diagnosed with early inset dementia, prostrate and liver cancer all, basically at the same time.
I had hoped that his 'dementia" was as a result of a water infection, but sadly not.
We went from totally normal life to absolutely bizarre within the space of six weeks, but it lasted for almost two years - and yes, his dementia progressed from him being a bit dippy, to him being totally disassociated within weeks.

I'm my mind, he died at least a year before his heart gave up beating.

My friends from uni married each other. They had two children and were about to try for a third when he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. They operated and it changed him and them as a family and then came the devastating news it was back 4 years later. This time they couldn’t operate and it took 3 years to kill him - at this point the children were 10 and 9. He was totally different, angry and upset and no short term memory started fitting and then not being able to walk. Then started being violent and slurring and lost his bladder. They had no relationship for the last 2 1/2 years, no intimacy, no sex she was just trying to be a friend to him. The last two years were horrific the children had no father at home, they were frightened of him and their mother was a lab international lawyer trying to earn enough for the family. They had carers the day but all weekend and all evening and nights were down to her. It was horrific she prayed over and over for the end - and I don’t blame her.

@MNHQ Don't delete this thread. I think it's really important to acknowledge all the feelings we may have as we face bereavement, not just the expected ones. Whatever they are, it is healthy to be able to share them.

I too felt like you, OP, when my lovely DF died, much too young and in terrible and unforeseen circumstances. Sheer relief that it was over. That, as well as gratitude for his life. His partner couldn't understand the relief at all and found it distressing.

My friend's abusive husband died suddenly. She was so relieved, elated actually. To her, it felt like a gift, like an answered prayer. But she had nowhere to go with those feelings, and felt she had to feign distress in front of the children and extended family.

Oh God, that is horrendous, your poor friend and family.
This is why I think we need to be more open and honest about death. Sometimes it is for the best. For everyone.

I think it was easier for me, being older, and with grown up children.
I really only had me me to think about ( obviously I worried about the "kids", but it is different when they're grown ups.
Thank God I didn't go through this with a young family - I am in awr of anyone who does x

Of course , we never think of those being made to feign distress - how difficult!

I suppose she can console herself that her children will never know how crap their dad was, but even so.....

Its incredibly complex this grieving thing!!

I was relieved when my mum died
I think with dementia they die twice, first when they stop recognising you

When my ex died i was free i smiled i was not upset at all i was pleased.

My father in law died of a brain tumour a few weeks ago. We miss him; we’re sad; we wish he was still alive and healthy. But dear god, he died badly. For all that people tried, palliative care services here are so stretched and he was undoubtedly suffering many times. He lost all the things that gave him joy, he could no longer go for walks, or be outside, or have any independence. Couldn’t read, or listen to music, or even speak or feed himself. A proud man brought down to the level of a baby. It was horrendous to watch, an huge strain on DH and his brother who were trying to care for him. and no doubt utterly horrific for him to experience, so yes, we feel relieved that he’s no longer suffering.

Yes, this. I can sort of relate, DH is obviously alive, however massive age difference here.

I felt tue sqme whwn my dad finally died op.
11 years of nothing but misery watching him suffer.

Oh, sorry, OP. Before deleted.

I am so sorry 💗