I only felt relief when my DH died - I don't think that's terrible

[Fartooold]

Just wanted to start a thread about spouses who died, and why I don't think that is necessarily the worst thing that can happen to you.

Why? Ask away!

I haven't even name changed....🙄

Oh bugger, cocked up thread title😳

When my Nan died my mother was relieved as she had been ill and could not live alone .i could tell my mothers reaction to her death was sheer relief. I thought she was a bitch at the time but knowing what I know now through this site about caring for ill aged people I now don't .

My DH is thankfully (and I am grateful to any past lives or blind luck that made this so) pain free, but he is absolutely suffering. He is piece by piece losing the abilities that made him amazing, he can no longer read, speak up for himself, communicate what he needs or wants - if you knew him you'd know what a cruelty this is.

I am so afraid of getting this wrong, I see this very much as my final duty as his wife, we took vows for this, and I can see why its written in, he would be utterly vulnerable without a partner in this.

Some people we grieve for long before they die. When the person we knew is lost to dementia, pain, disease, it can be a relief when the suffering stops, for the person afflicted and those doing the caring.

💐🤗 OP, I know what you mean. I’ve known too many people have the most awful, painful deaths. Palliative care is not available to all, around here it is very thinly spread and inconsistent. I’m helping a friend to care for her husband, no one should have to suffer like him.
My very elderly father had carcinomatosis and his bones fractured even when he turned over in bed, it was hell for him and us.

Please don’t ask for this thread to be removed

I was also relieved when my husband died. His suffering and the suffering of all of us was too much. I couldn’t bear seeing him fade away and our lives were on hold the 3 years he was ill.

we knew he was going to die and I got to the point where I wanted it sooner rather than later because it wasn’t fair on anyone

when he died, I felt that we could move forward rather than being in limbo.

The 3 years of his terminal illness were way worse than any of the grief that followed so yes I get it

I get it OP - no judgement from me.

Thank you - you have put into words exactly how I feel.
We had many, many happy years together, the last two years almost wiped out the happy memories we had built.
I was only 17 when we met and became a life long fixture, we went through hell and high water together.
When he first got ill, it didn't matter. We would crack on as ever. But when it gets to the point of constant pain and dementia, it takes a lot to keep.going.
But keep going we did. Until the bitter end, and yes, I felt relieved that neither of us needed to face this any longer.

@Fartooold can say what she likes about her own feelings surrounding her husband's death.

I'm sorry you had to go though such a terrible time watching him suffer @Fartooold, I imagine his death felt like a release for you both.

Having worked in palliative care, I think it's completely understandable and not uncommon.

I think it's quite common and normal to feel relief when a loved one's suffering has ended. X

OP, do not delete this thread.

the fact is that death in some circumstances is a relief.

And for those who believe that’s wrong to feel relief, that we should hold on, ask yourself this, who are you wanting that for? Because it certainly isn’t for the person who is suffering.

I am so sorry for everyone going through this now. It is truly shit.

I'm out of the other end now, I suppose but feel empathy for anyone still going through it.
I'm lucky. I'm older - I'm 63, so, to all intents and purposes, I'm positively ancient😁 I have certainly had a full and eventful life!
Those of you who are younger, truly have my sympathy, and I wish you well.

I’ve been through four close deaths, and I wouldn’t wish another second of suffering on any of them.
And with the last one there was a heavy burden of labour lifted with his passing.

These are strange feelings to navigate, and even though this isn’t an uncommon experience, it can feel like being forced to act out a part in a play in public. Only certain emotions and words are acceptable.

If there’s a local bereavement group near you op you may find it helpful because the spectrum of grief is immense.

You don't need to delete the thread or apologise for how you feel. When my Granny died, she had brought me up so we were very close, I felt exactly the same. She had suffered so much, for so long, I could only feel relief.

Thinking of you today on your wedding anniversary @Fartooold
And also sorry for your loss.

I don't think you should get the thread deleted, @Fartooold .
It is very important that people should feel able to share these feelings. It is also important that, at least in the context of an MN thread, they should feel able to share them without having their tone or phrasing policed.
I have been somewhere similar and I get you. The thread is valuable for me as well as (I hope) for you.xxx

Hi @Fartooold I am glad you didn't delete this thread. You have articulated exactly what it feels like to watch the person you love suffer. So 'your words' are how you feel and that is ok.
Death is rarely talked about for fear of upsetting someone.
As a nurse I have seen many deaths, and I really wish we could all have an honest conversation as it will happen to us all.

Through conversation and decisions around how we would like our health to be managed, we can feel great peace when health deteriorates.
I have seen many 'good' deaths and many not so good.

Op I am sorry for your loss but it is good that you are acknowledging your feelings.

It isn't tasteless. I felt exactly the same when I had witched both my parent die from cancer. It was horrendous, truly awful.

Of course it was sad but my overwhelming thought when I was told they had passed was one of relief.

Exactly this. The relief when DH died, 9 years after first being treated for a brain tumour, was immense. That doesn't mean we don't grieve. We do, but we also did before. We miss him immensely. But we don't miss years of blue light ambulances, unexpected hospital trips which lead to week long stays because they didn't know what to do for him, weeks at a time of caring for a man who could barely stay awake, and eventually the man who lost his memory, his impulse control and was having hallucinations. The certainty that came with his death has been a blessed relief.

Lots of love to you @Fartooold 💕

I can see my DM feels this way following the recent passing of my DF and feels guilty. They loved each other to bits but towards the end neither lived. DF was always the life of the party and he hated living like a houseplant (his words.)DM was his full time carer and sacrificed her whole life in the past few years. She is extremely sad and relieved. Grief is indeed complicated.

to everyone who has lost someone in this way, or has lost them suddenly.
It’s all unimaginably painful and lonely and every loss has its own story.
Hoping that you will all find some kindness and support for navigating your losses. We don’t talk about death and grief enough as a society it is kept very hidden away, which isn’t helpful for any of us.

Don’t delete the thread op. We all grieve in different ways and you can’t avoid grief - you have to go through it - and openly discussing honest feels helps with that.

Also, grief is very often a very heady and heavy mixture of feelings; relief, despair, numbness. It’s not a simple process.

Mumsnet is one of the few places where it’s easier to discuss feelings which might be deemed “unacceptable” in real life. You are not the only person to have felt relief at someone’s passing op.

I am sorry for your loss and for everyone who is grieving on here.

And for anyone finding grief very hard, can I recommend Julia Samuel’s Grief Works.

I was relieved when my poor nan died. She was in her 90s and had a stroke which left her blind , paralysed , unable to speak and she was extremely distressed, it took her nearly 2 weeks to pass and she wouldn't have wanted that. I just hope she had no idea what was happening towards the end. They did sedate her because she was so agitated . I miss her terribly but it was a release for her to go and I was happy for her but sad for me . I think its only human to be relieved when someone is finally at rest after a long period of suffering .

Thank you (and others too), for understanding.
I reacted to an early post in asking for this to be deleted, but actually think it shouldn't be now - I just wanted people to know that everyone's emotions at the death of someone close to you, are different.
You do NOT have to be distraught beyond belief, nor be totally blasé about a close one's death.
I grieved about a year before my husband died. By the time he did die, I was sad, but relieved.
Relieved that his confusion and obvious distress in life was no more, that his pain and anguish was at an end, but also, selfishly, that my life on hold, caring for a man that no longer knew me, a life that consisted of basically nursing a stranger, was over.

I think that perhaps a month or two after his death, I actually mourned losing him. Him the man I'd known, not the shell he became.

I will never have another close relationship with anyone again. No interest. But I still remember feeling relieved when the love of my life passed. And it truly was relief.
I just think we should not have to pretend that we are distraught/inconsolable/bereft every time someone dies.
Yes, for some, it will be exactly like that, but for others, it really IS OKAY to be at peace with the death of someone close.