Page 3 | I’m a vicar: ask me anything!

Holyannie · 2023-08-02T06:37:43+00:00

Hello, I’m a Church of England vicar in a semi-rural context. Ask me anything! (Weddings, funerals, Christenings or anything about what a vicar does day to day). 🙂

Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 10:38

GoodnightJude1 · 02/08/2023 10:04

Good morning!

What are your views on divorced couples marrying in church?
My mum married again in 1995 and was only allowed a blessing in the church where as lots of divorced people are now re marrying in churches.
Do you look less favourably on people that have been divorced and wish to marry again in church or do you think that if you’re in love and wishing to marry in church then it’s fine?

I’m actually married to a divorcee myself. I believe in second chances, but follow the teaching of the CofE that if adultery was involved and this relationship broke up a marriage then it would not be appropriate for the couple to marry in church. Not all CofE vicars will marry divorcees, but most do.

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Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 10:41

Bagofweasels · 02/08/2023 10:08

Do you need to have three godparents? I read there should be three but I’ve only got two I want to ask for DD3
also do the godparents need to be confirmed or just baptized?

Yes, you need at least three and two should be the same sex as the child. One of the parents or grandparents could step in, or an aunt or uncle? Sorry I don’t really know why that’s such a
rigid rule. They only need to be baptised, not confirmed. Sometimes you can baptise a godparent in the same ceremony as the child.

https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/christenings/parents-guide-christenings/choosing-godparents

Choosing godparents | The Church of England

Godparents are really important. Choosing them is one of the biggest decisions you will make. Whether you are still thinking or have already asked some special friends, discover more about what it means to be or have godparents.

https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/christenings/parents-guide-christenings/choosing-godparents

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YukoandHiro · 02/08/2023 10:43

". I would never presume to tell someone else they weren’t a “real” Christian and I suggest you repent of your judgemental heart. “Larping” is just rude: I’ve been ordained by a bishop through an apostolic line that runs right back to St Peter and I have a lot of academic theological training. Have some respect."

Well said. You sound great and I'm sure you inspire your congregation to positive work in the community you're building.

Sadly people like the previous poster are exactly why I left the church behind at about age 20. I cannot bear the superiority and judgement. I've met many more people who are following the teachings of Jesus outside the church then I ever did in it, and most of them are atheist or humanist.

Nitgel · 02/08/2023 10:45

do you believe in ghosts? 😁👻

fancreek · 02/08/2023 10:50

How does being in charge of 4 churches work? Do you rotate at which you do the Sunday morning service?

As an aside the 3 godparents thing is news to me! I'm CofE baptised and only have 1 godparent!

Nishky32 · 02/08/2023 10:51

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 10:34

As he gets older and is old enough to be left home alone, it becomes a different scenario because then he might not want to come to church. In the CofE we have confirmation which people tend to go through from around age 11, and that’s when they formerly take up the Christian faith for themselves, before then they’re just kind of piggybacking along with their parents’ faith. I would definitely want that to be his decision. I was pressured into confirmation as a child before I felt ready and it put me off religion for a while. So I would want any kind of formal commitment to the faith to come from my son.

I find it interesting that people seem to object to the idea of bringing up your child within your own belief system and values, but don’t we all do that? We parent our child according to what we feel is right and they can choose to carry that on or make different choices when they’re older? In fact, I think it makes it easier to do that with formal religion because you can identify where the believes and values come from (church tradition, the Bible etc) and choose to reject them if you want to. Whereas if you are brought up with secular values from a range of places, it can be harder to identify where they have come from because they’re not so explicit?

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That came across as a little critical of parents who are atheists- I am one, are you saying that if we are not Christians we cannot bring up our children with the right beliefs and values because we can’t justify them?

DeeplyMovingExperience · 02/08/2023 10:51

Having been raised full-on catholic with the convent education and all, I am now both atheist and anti-theist due to the terrible impact religion(s) have had in our world.

That said, my very best friend, now sadly-departed, was a priest and we thoroughly enjoyed our theological conversations.

Thank you for this very interesting thread!

MeOldBamboo · 02/08/2023 10:52

Hi, is there such a thing as a job description of a vicar? What do you get involved in on a day to day basis?
When you train, do you get training in the organisation and admin of running a parish/Benefice? The reason I ask is I have been on the receiving end of a disorganised vicar, who was also an introvert and sort of expected everything to happen by telepathy. It was quite damaging to the church community and overloaded wardens and volunteers to the point many walked out. What sort of performance management is involved from the top (if any!).
Thanks for this thread, it’s really interesting!

Hoppinggreen · 02/08/2023 10:56

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 10:34

As he gets older and is old enough to be left home alone, it becomes a different scenario because then he might not want to come to church. In the CofE we have confirmation which people tend to go through from around age 11, and that’s when they formerly take up the Christian faith for themselves, before then they’re just kind of piggybacking along with their parents’ faith. I would definitely want that to be his decision. I was pressured into confirmation as a child before I felt ready and it put me off religion for a while. So I would want any kind of formal commitment to the faith to come from my son.

I find it interesting that people seem to object to the idea of bringing up your child within your own belief system and values, but don’t we all do that? We parent our child according to what we feel is right and they can choose to carry that on or make different choices when they’re older? In fact, I think it makes it easier to do that with formal religion because you can identify where the believes and values come from (church tradition, the Bible etc) and choose to reject them if you want to. Whereas if you are brought up with secular values from a range of places, it can be harder to identify where they have come from because they’re not so explicit?

Show quote history

Do you genuinely believe that an 11 year old raise by a vicar feels capable of choosing his faith?
Even if you don’t coerce him ( not suggesting you do) then I doubt he would feel able to say “no thanks”
I have strong values I instill in my DC, religion is not necessary for that

Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 10:58

ginslinger · 02/08/2023 09:04

this is fascinating. I was brought up in the muscular christianity of the Scottish Protestant Church with hellfire and damnation at every turn, especially for the Catholics. The first time I went into a CofE church I thought it was a Roman Catholic church with all the iconography, statues etc.
I believe that Jesus lived, perhaps several Jesus' lived and that he/they were great teachers and saw how the world could be made better but I don't believe in the divine.
My question: given that I don't believe in the divine but I do try to live a good life, would you say that your Christian God would still love me? Is it like the parent who still loves that awful difficult teenager who tells them that they hate them?
Also - what if it's actually not a Christian God who makes the decision?

Thank you for your question. I believe that the love of God is infinitely greater than human love and beyond what we can possibly imagine, so yes absolutely God loves you!

Is it like the parent who still loves that awful difficult teenager who tells them that they hate them

The parent/child metaphor for our relationship with God is a helpful one and a biblical one, but like all metaphors it has its limits. God isn’t like an earthly parent because he doesn’t get tired, or frustrated, or run out of patience or make mistakes. So I suppose it both is and isn’t like the situation you describe.

what if it's actually not a Christian God who makes the decision? Of course that’s a difficult question because obviously I have a strong faith in Jesus/the Trinitarian God! I like to think if someone put a gun to my head I would still declare that faith so it’s very fundamental to who I am. And if I’m wrong then I have led a lot of people in the wrong direction! But I hope that even if we have got things wrong doctrinally, the infinite and eternal God will be full of grace and goodness.

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Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 11:00

Nishky32 · 02/08/2023 10:51

That came across as a little critical of parents who are atheists- I am one, are you saying that if we are not Christians we cannot bring up our children with the right beliefs and values because we can’t justify them?

Show quote history

Sorry, yes maybe I was being a bit defensive there. What I was trying to say is that it’s not just religious people who can brainwash/indoctrinate their children,
I think all different people can do that in different ways but I feel like we bear the brunt of the criticism? Perhaps justifiably.

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Littledogball · 02/08/2023 11:00

What do you think about gay relationships? And what do you think God thinks about them?

Guineapigwoes · 02/08/2023 11:01

This is a random one (that we once had a debate in the pub about) at what point are the couple married? Is it when they say their vows or when they sign the register?

Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 11:01

Hoppinggreen · 02/08/2023 10:56

Do you genuinely believe that an 11 year old raise by a vicar feels capable of choosing his faith?
Even if you don’t coerce him ( not suggesting you do) then I doubt he would feel able to say “no thanks”
I have strong values I instill in my DC, religion is not necessary for that

Show quote history

As I said, statistically 50% of Christian children in the UK choose a different path, so yes I do think he will be capable of making his own decisions.

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Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 11:02

Guineapigwoes · 02/08/2023 11:01

This is a random one (that we once had a debate in the pub about) at what point are the couple married? Is it when they say their vows or when they sign the register?

I know this one! Legally it’s at the point when the vicar says “I now pronounce you husband and wife”.

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Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 11:05

Littledogball · 02/08/2023 11:00

What do you think about gay relationships? And what do you think God thinks about them?

Personally I’m affirming of LGBT relationships. That is not the case for everyone in the church.

I’m affirming of relationships that are loving, honest, committed and respectful. Relationships that are abusive, harmful or manipulative are wrong, regardless of the orientation.

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FordKent · 02/08/2023 11:14

Here is a lighter question. I am an honorary pedant here. I get wound up by TV programs addressing Vicars and Clergy as Reverend.
Surely one should say "Mr Bloggs is the vicar". "Good morning Vicar"
Is it strictly wrong to say "Hello Reverend".

Given that there are many Ordained women in most mainstream Congregations how should we address you all formally? Setting aside the common informal first name style.

Namechange5142097 · 02/08/2023 11:21

Hello Annie,

For the past couple of years I've been running past my local church on a Sunday, and slowing down as I pluck up the courage to go in and ask to speak to the vicar, but I never do, and just go home annoyed with myself. Would that be ok at the end of the Sunday morning service to just pop in and ask for a quick chat? Do people do this? The problem I want to discuss is wanting to end my marriage kindly, this is the church I got married in, and I'm also an atheist. This is why I back out and just run past as I feel it might not be appropriate to do this.....

Joey2323 · 02/08/2023 11:25

Do you see your role as:

Encouraging people to turn to a strong faith/belief
or encouraging people to live happy/kind/well rounded lives because you personally feel a calling to faith?

I think there’s a real difference between an evangelical ‘spreading of the gospel’ by recruiting new Christian’s, and a ‘spreading of the gospel’ by doing good and encouraging others to do the same.

Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 11:26

FordKent · 02/08/2023 11:14

Here is a lighter question. I am an honorary pedant here. I get wound up by TV programs addressing Vicars and Clergy as Reverend.
Surely one should say "Mr Bloggs is the vicar". "Good morning Vicar"
Is it strictly wrong to say "Hello Reverend".

Given that there are many Ordained women in most mainstream Congregations how should we address you all formally? Setting aside the common informal first name style.

Technically Revd is a written title, “the reverend Mrs… etc”. Father would be the title to address a priest, or mother but that gets complicated because of nuns.

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ClaribelLowLieth · 02/08/2023 11:29

Hi Vicar!
I have this strange thing where I cry in church! I can't help it!
I wasn't raised with any religion at all so I'm not sure what's going on.
Is this something you've seen before?!
I would like to go to church more often but I'm really embarrassed about it - I know they've noticed and that makes me feel awful. I think maybe they think I'm bereaved.
Can you shed any light? What would you do with an awkward crying non-regular attendee (who obviously isn't used to church)?

Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 11:30

MeOldBamboo · 02/08/2023 10:52

Hi, is there such a thing as a job description of a vicar? What do you get involved in on a day to day basis?
When you train, do you get training in the organisation and admin of running a parish/Benefice? The reason I ask is I have been on the receiving end of a disorganised vicar, who was also an introvert and sort of expected everything to happen by telepathy. It was quite damaging to the church community and overloaded wardens and volunteers to the point many walked out. What sort of performance management is involved from the top (if any!).
Thanks for this thread, it’s really interesting!

Good question! There’s not a job description as such, other than having “cure of souls” for the parish. But there are legal responsibilities like leading worship every Sunday, administering baptisms etc. I think curacy training has got a lot better and there is more training about that kind of thing than there used to be. But I agree that it could still the better. Coming from a teaching background I’m well organised and it annoys me when some vicars think they don’t need to bother with admin.

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Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 11:32

ClaribelLowLieth · 02/08/2023 11:29

Hi Vicar!
I have this strange thing where I cry in church! I can't help it!
I wasn't raised with any religion at all so I'm not sure what's going on.
Is this something you've seen before?!
I would like to go to church more often but I'm really embarrassed about it - I know they've noticed and that makes me feel awful. I think maybe they think I'm bereaved.
Can you shed any light? What would you do with an awkward crying non-regular attendee (who obviously isn't used to church)?

That’s interesting: I actually had a very similar conversation with someone recently about this. As a person of faith, I would say that was the Holy Spirit stirring your heart, but an atheist would probably say it was the music, the aesthetics of the building etc and I think actually we would both be right. I would be strongly encouraging of people feeling able to express their feelings in church. I hope other churches would be the same.

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Original poster

Holyannie · 02/08/2023 11:34

Namechange5142097 · 02/08/2023 11:21

Hello Annie,

For the past couple of years I've been running past my local church on a Sunday, and slowing down as I pluck up the courage to go in and ask to speak to the vicar, but I never do, and just go home annoyed with myself. Would that be ok at the end of the Sunday morning service to just pop in and ask for a quick chat? Do people do this? The problem I want to discuss is wanting to end my marriage kindly, this is the church I got married in, and I'm also an atheist. This is why I back out and just run past as I feel it might not be appropriate to do this.....

Hello,

I would hope you would be very welcome to pop into the church. To be honest right after a service might not actually be the best time because everyone is trying to talk to the vicar and they might be dealing with things such as meeting a wedding couple, so you might not get their best attention. It would probably be better to send them an email and ask to chat at another time. They would be very happy to do so.

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GardeningIdiot · 02/08/2023 11:34

Are you concerned about how the Synod has acted recently re child safeguarding and the abuse of children who were in the care of the church?

independentsafeguarding.org/blog/f/if-not-now-when