I’m a solo mum by choice AMA

[SoloMamabyChoice]

As per the title I become a single mother by choice using a donor. Ask me anything. 😀

Did you choose a donor from U.K. or elsewhere? What influenced your decision?

Do you have close family, are you close with parents and/or siblings?

How much did you tell your work about it and were they supportive?

Sorry am I missing something? Why did you have to have IVF? Is this standard for insemination, or did you have fertility issues? I thought the guy just 'deposited' into a container and you did a turkey baster job

I chose a donor from my own background. Two reasons: international sperm banks give more information about the donor which I wanted for my child in case they are curious and I wanted the same cultural background so she doesn’t feel like she’s ‘missing’ a piece there eg if her donor was from a different ethnicity etc.

Not much in the way of family and they live pretty far away so not helpful in terms of day to day stuff but loads of close friends.

I did tell work who were very supportive and knew from the start of IVF. Again no negative responses at all.

You can do either IUI or IVF. IUI (insemination) has a lower success rate but is cheaper. IVF is more invasive but is more likely to work - also possibility of having frozen embryos for future rounds if first round not successful or even siblings. I did also have fertility issues which were randomly picked up in the initial standard tests (boy am I glad I did not wait longer!) so yes needed IVF anyway. But people do either.

And no. That sounds super dodgy. I think it is a thing, but would be along the same routes of trying to have tons of one night stands to get pregnant. Dangerous and probably not a good call for you or a resulting baby.

IUI is still done in a clinic using sperm from proper screened donor. Donated sperm gets tested and then is in quarantine for six months before becoming available so no one wanking into a cup next door either.

All of the donor documentaries I've watched are the cup and baster method. There are forums they meet through and seem to become friends. Why would this be dangerous for the baby? I've clearly led a sheltered life.

Understandably makes for more interesting watching I guess 😂
i guess that’s why married at first sight is a thing more fun than watching normal people have ‘boring’ normal weddings 😂
Dangerous in that the person could have diseases (Eg CMV), genetic conditions you wouldn’t know about, potentially lots of random half siblings, child may never know their identity or on the flip side if not done via clinic they technically have parental rights!

Hi from another SMC. I have 2 DC children, 13 & 11. Best decision(s) I've ever made

Hi 👋. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life. I am so glad to have chosen this path.
Thats the kind of age gap I would love for a sibling. Any pros or cons you’ve found?

It was quite tough when DS2 was a baby but after that, it's been ok. They entertain each other really. I'd say definitely go for it

Lovely to hear. That’s kind of my thinking. Hoping they’ll be close enough in age to be buddies.

Hi @SoloMamabyChoice Another SMBC mum here! I’m a similar age and have a 4month old son! Like you I’m the happiest I’ve ever been! I’m also currently on Mat leave with zero regrets!

The only thing which winds me up is I don’t even get child benefit (I’m on about £70-75k) but a 2 parent family both on £49k would! This makes zero sense to me but you win some you lose some!

I know. This blew my mind too when I learned it. I’d be over too but going back part time so will be just under (not the reason for going back pt 😂)

congratulations how exciting!

Thank you 😊

Yes had emergency section. Recovery was a breeze and was absolutely fine by day two on paracetamol and did not need any help. Top tip you don’t actually have to wait six weeks to drive just need to feel fully recovered and be able to make an emergency stop. Just email your insurance to confirm when you feel ready.
i did. have help lined up for first two weeks. Friend was meant to stay and help out of recovery was bad but ended up not needing her to stay over.

This is so reassuring, thank you. I have found two “camps” of people re c sections. The ones who scare the ever loving crap out of you with crap misinformation, and the ones who tell you “oh I had one and it was easy after the first few days” and similar and who reassure me. This helps thank you!

I combi fed but not by choice. Started out just BF but did not produce enough even with regular pumping. Yes first few weeks were sleep deprived and I found BF super painful (only for three days then was fine, so worth persisting if you have the same issue). Baby sleeps pretty much all the time between feeds at the start so you’ll have plenty of time ‘to yourself’ - you’ll just be tired. Get lots and lots of baby bouncers/baskets etc (cost pennies on marketplace) and have one anywhere you may need to plonk baby down, eg bathroom so you can shower. Also sling is amazing for getting on with your day while still having baby with you.

This is interesting to know (again reassuring!). I do have so many baskets/ Moses baskets I think he has maybe 5 different areas to sleep (7 if you include pram and car seat 😂) in my one bed flat.
-Regular Moses basket
-Moses basket on stand
-Bassinet/ side sleeper type thing
-Full size cot as it’s one that converts to a “first bed” age up to 3
-Electric rocker with music and nature sounds that I plan to use exactly as you said; eg put by the bathroom door so he can be rocked and have the sounds hands free for me whilst I shower etc where he can still see me and I can see him

Also have a sling too 😊

People (that I am now distancing from due to all this) took the piss out of me for all this stuff. “He will never use it” etc etc. So it’s reassuring to know I wasn’t being ridiculous!

amazing re meal prep. I did. the same plus found friends brought so much food over the next few weeks that I didn’t really need to cook for three months

I don’t have many friends and the ones I did have I am phasing out / distancing from now due to certain inappropriate (and constant) comments. So I had no choice but to batch cook haha. Though I have some wonderful neighbours who will do things such as nip the shop when they go for their daily walk, so if I need gas or electricity top up, milk etc I just will transfer the cash and they will do that for me. I have already put this in place and I’m very grateful for their help! So I’ll only need to set up online shopping now! And so if we can’t get out and need something- we have plans in place (especially as I don’t drive. Well I do/ did- a motorbike 😂 that’s out the window now!)

ignore other people. Honestly it’s kind of interesting but I am in several baby groups, one large nct type group and one smbc one. The former seem utterly miserable: resentful of partners not pulling their weight, another adult strewing their stuff around the house, etc. The later seem to mirror my experience of loving mat leave and finding it relatively easy (of course I have had hard days too).

This is just great. I’m so glad you posted and I will be reading all the questions and replies out of interest and possibly more ideas if it comes up throughout the thread.

I honestly for many years wanted to go it alone whenever I thought of motherhood. I don’t know why, perhaps cos I had only my mum, but I always had a feeling I would be doing it alone. Probably a total coincidence! So I totally support and get you on your choices. I feel lovely when I can be at home and like you said re other mums and their partners- not have to worry about another adult messing up my home. Or if I don’t want to clean or cook that day. I love my freedom so I’m sort of in this situation accidentally rather than planned. But equally I am happy more than sad about it (well I am now the hard work is done!)
I just needed some reassurance about some scary parts.

As for the others opinions. Yes I am quickly finding that as the date nears, my boundaries have become firmer than I ever imagined possible (finally!) and also that my confidence in my own decisions has increased- also my tolerance for these types of negative people is nil since I don’t want that around my baby. So it’s been a very interesting journey and he isn’t even here yet! Had I had a partner I’m not sure I would have learned half the things I have whilst having to be so strong alone. So it isn’t without its benefits being alone.

Good luck! I hope the birth goes well and you soon get to meet your amazing little side kick

Thank you I’m so super excited honestly! And thank you for the reassurance, advice, and for this post in general it was just what I needed and at the perfect time!

Ive done this too, and it was the best thing I have ever done

I dont understand why this isn't a more popular choice. It's a million times better than giving a kid a bad Dad. It's obvious that lots and lots of women settle for men who they know won't be great because they think they need them to become mothers. It's a really shitty thing to do to a kid.

I think two kids might be a good plan but not essential. There is nothing wrong at all with choosing to have one kid but I think two might be easier. (Bit like kittens!)
Congrats and I hope you and your kid have a fantastic life.

things dont always pan out as you hope! I planned for two, but only ever succeeded with one, still, I am incredibly lucky and have no regrets at all

Nothing to ask but just a little hello from another SMBC. I've got an 19 month old and started treatment for number two.

I’ve been on the fence about solo parenting with a donor but tbh no father is better than a bad father and your set up sounds like a wonderful one for a child. You have a good community around you, I’ve found that to be the most important thing (I struggled because I didn’t really have one but I’m trying to build one now) I wish you well OP I’m sure you will do an amazing job.

No questions just want to say how inspiring you sound!!xx

My thoughts exactly.

Agree that makes such a huge difference. I found I had a much better Birthday and first Mother’s Day than my NCT group. My friends got cake from the baby, took lots of pictures of us and on Mother’s Day made a card from Baby and we had a brilliant day out. I am very lucky.

One thing I was surprised to find though is all the new friends I have made since having baby. It’s like starting uni, everyone is finding themselves in a brand new situation together and wanting to make new friends (to hang out and eat cake during mat leave 😂).

If you don’t need them you’ll just sell them. Who cares. Every baby is different. Mine can be plonked and is happy, some need more constant cuddles in a sling for a while. Both are normal and fine. Re support network, see my reply above. You’ll make more mat leave buddies soon. I made a conscious effort to go out to tons of baby stuff early on and forced myself to talk to people even though it felt a bit scary and it’s paid off. Have lovely mum friends (as well as my pre baby friends).

Thank you for all the lovely comments and also hi to all the other SMBC mums.

For anyone thinking about it, there are absolutely loads of us. Have a look at the UK SMBC page on fb and find your local WhatsApp group to meet up with people. We have a fab group meeting up regularly.

You got IVF on the NHS, is that right?