I’m a solo mum by choice AMA

[SoloMamabyChoice]

As per the title I become a single mother by choice using a donor. Ask me anything. 😀

Correct due to fertility issues. Bit of a postcode lottery though.

What do you plan to tell the child once they get older and start asking for “daddy” ?

There isn't really a point in the future where this will happen as it is just completely talked about from the very start. DC's baby book has appropriate donor info, pictures and letter. We have lots of other families with donor conceived children of all ages in our life and we speak about it frequently. I have already spoken to future nursery and explained our family set up. There is lots of advice from grown up donor conceived children as to how this works best and the just knowing from the very start seems to be the best approach.

@Noicant
"I’ve been on the fence about solo parenting with a donor but tbh no father is better than a bad father"...

I'd take this point even further and say that choosing to have a kid solo is 100% as valid a choice than choosing to have one with a man. It's not something to consider only if you can't find a decent man/father iykwim

I'm married with adult kids and a nice husband but I would have had kids on my own happily. I'm glad my husband is here 😅 but I'd have had no qualms doing it alone.

Unfortunately I think money and housing people make poor decisions

Sorry for typos

@SoloMamabyChoice - how did that work? I mean that very genuinely, I am perplexed but I don’t disbelieve you - I am honestly wondering. Don’t most require you have been trying for a certain amount of time?

Yep exactly. So normal rule is six rounds of iui privately funded unsuccessful to qualify for nhs funded ivf. But I went into it assuming I would be privately funding had the standard tests at the beginning and found out I had fertility issues which would have meant I needed ivf anyway. So lucky it was picked up!

My thoughts exactly re any unused items! I was very poor at first and so scared I would have nothing. Some very kind people donated some items to me (some of which I will still be using like the mountains of clothes and muslins and blankets!) and it meant the world to me. I see it as a win win- if I use it great then can sell it after. If I don’t use it I can sell it for higher price after. Alternatively I will also be donating as much as I can to other mums who have nothing - like I was in the beginning. As I know how much that means. (I was lucky got left some inheritance I wasn’t expecting and spent the lot on baby stuff haha). So it’s just a win all round- used, sold, given away. Nothing is going to be “pointless”. So I just carried on as I was and paid no heed to it. This pregnancy has been wonderful for learning how to create and keep boundaries I tell ya!

Re the friends- again 100 percent! Already into the mum and baby groups making new and appropriate friends. And plan to do more of those once baby is here. So my group of friends will expand naturally and they will be at the same stage of life as me. Other old friends I have had to phase out due to these issues, are not at the baby stage and no longer fit in my life for various other reasons (such as those toxic and constant comments!). So I’m very excited for the new phase of our mum and son life together - though it was extremely hard all the way through until now. I metaphorically was on my hands and knees mentally and physically but now it’s paid off.

I read you other posts and you seem to have amazing support via friends. I’m extremely happy that you have that, that’s great and must be so fulfilling having your baby, single life, and amazing support networks 🥰

I’m certainly very lucky. You and your little boy will have such a lovely life. X

So you have a son? I can’t recall now (just been for a scan then harvesting colostrum now baby fog and tiredness haha)

Do you find that being just you and your boy makes you both a stronger team and bond that you wouldn’t necessarily have if you had a partner? That kind of really special one on one bond? If so then it’s surely worth considering as a motherhood choice for that alone I think.

Im currently starting the process of being a SMBC as well!
Stopped the pill a couple of weeks ago, so just waiting for my cycle to start up naturally again, and then hope that the clinic has compatible embryos for me.

I am doing an embryo "adoption", as my egg reserve is low for my age, and Im already 40 and a carrier for a genetic illness, so it was either that or egg donation, and that is soooooo much more expensive (will be doing it privately).

Ive known for quite a few years that this was the route I was going to take. Should have done it sooner, but ended up procrastinating on the saving, so it ended up getting me to 40 without me even noticing!

Dont really have a question, just wanted to say hi!!

Hi - wishing you all the luck. Hopefully a year from now you’ll be cuddling your newborn!

Fingers massively crossed!!! That is definitely the plan!

Thank you for all this information. I’m in the process of hopefully becoming a SMBC - have had a positive test following FET 2 weeks ago. I’ve been anxious about a lot of the points others have raised so it’s really reassuring to hear that you are doing so well and enjoying it all! If this pregnancy continues successfully then I’ll definitely be looking for some local SMBC groups. Thanks!

There is nothing wrong at all with choosing to have one kid but I think two might be easier. (Bit like kittens!)

Really, @YouCould? I have two children, but I wouldn’t say it’s easier with two, you’re certainly more stretched time-wise and financially, of course.
I love having two though. ❤️

Does this mean that your baby is the 24th baby from this sperm donor so far?

How are you planning to explain to your child that they have a father but you've opted not to have one in their life?

Because ALL children have a father. I think it's cruel to intentionally deprive a child of having a father. They are so important!
'Daddy issues' is a real thing,

I was conceived using donor sperm and I really feel the lack of a father in my life. How will you respond if your child says that to you?

No, 23&me is a DNA testing thing that tells you where youre from (like 50% british, 20% french, 5% african, whatever!), and then tells you if other people who share your DNA have also done the test.
Someone I know who used to donate sperm found 3 of his offspring after dooing it.

I know people conceived in this way that have the same issues too, they were devastated as adults to not have the means of contacting their fathers and having a relationship. How will you manage a situation like this?

Congratulations! Hope it all works out!

No it does not. 23 and me is a home DNA test…

I thought I would do this if I I didn’t meet anyone who wanted children.

Do you ever feel like you can’t moan because people will think “Well you chose it!”? - I mean I think that’s bollocks but do you feel you kind of have to be a “model” SMBC?

My child has a biological father, correct. I have not opted to keep this person out of DC’s life. It is a different family set up in that DC does not have a dad just a mummy and lots of other people who love her. Different isn’t bad. Eg single sex families, adoptive families, etc.

My child will grow up with many children with a similar/same family set up as her them.

Also ultimately around half of marriages fail. Almost all those children will have reduced (sometimes no) contact with their dad often after a background of significant trauma being exposed to fights and possibly even domestic violence. If they have a lovely coparenting relationship they’ll miss mum half the time and dad the other half.

There are very few white picket fence ideal family set ups out there…

Hi Donordna - I am sorry to hear that you feel that way. I of course hope that the way I am choosing to raise my child, ie with an understanding of the same background from the start, with lots of other donor conceived children in our life, with lots of positive loving male role models and in a stable loving home will mean she will not struggle too much. But ultimately I don’t know that. Just like one child may be unfazed by there parents amicable divorce as an adult and another may still have lasting psychological scars from this as an adult.

You ask how I would respond to my DC if they told me this, ultimately that will be something that would need to be tackled with the context at the time, but generally speaking I would explore why DC feels that way - is it feeling sad that others have a second parent? Is it feeling that the men in DC’s life weren’t good role models? Is it a wish to contact donor (which I could easily facilitate) to find out more about genetic heritage or just curiosity? Is it that DC feel my own parenting fell short and thus wish for a ‘different’ parent in their life? Etc.