In a 'huge' age gap relationship- AMA

[renieve]

NC'd for this.

In a 'huge' age gap relationship for three years. Age gap is 28 years. Partner is male, I'm female. I appreciate this won't be interesting to many people, in which case please ignore AMA!

@RichardsGear yes I realise, that's why I mention the age gap (40 years...)

My husband is only 7 years older than me and the age gap is already having an impact . I can’t ever imagine what it must be like with a nearly thirty year age gap . When he got over 55 the decline in his energy levels were very noticeable . Being in love with each other doesn’t conquer all. Becoming someone’s carer is quite different from being someone’s romantic partner .

I thought you might have as it was an insightful question.

@updin this is not DP's rational (he's never been on MN) but how many posts pop up daily by women who tend to have DC with men the same age and they're terrible to them?

Second point to your post- I love him more than I can tell you, possibly for reasons you don't understand- do you think to deprive me of that is in my best interest?

My partner is 15 years younger than me, and I get all the mommy issues comments, which given his own mother died when he was 15 may actually be relevant. Does it matter though? If you fulfil a need in each other and make each other happy, good luck to you!

I’ve found personally that age gap always meant a lot of “cultural” differences. DH and I are about the same age so we have a lot in common in our childhoods, education. We can easily relate to the same music, films, literature, and political events. It makes our connection easier. And generally we are in the same page ( we are very different in personality and have different educational backgrounds so it’s not all boring the same though)
I suppose if your educational background is the same it probably helps but do you feel that being at different life stages affects your understanding of each other?

@renieve yes, I honestly do, and at his age he should know better to be able to cause short term pain for long term gain for you. As a parent reflecting on your children as a younger generation you must be able to rationalise that??

In terms of horrible men, yes they are everywhere, but I'm not sure swapping one type of cruelty for another is the right answer.

Only on this for a few more minutes before bed- will look at and reply to new posts in the morning.

@pizzaHeart we enjoy the same shows and films (admittedly he has introduced me to a few of them but I really enjoy them nonetheless). Music is the same as I loved what I heard by my family growing up and couldn't tell you who's releasing new singles/albums currently.

Agree on most, if not all, political issues.

@updin I do in a way, but pain for two people who love each-other and make each-other happy? Isn't life too short to do that on the off-chance you find someone close to your age but doesn't make you as happy?

So a relationship can only be successful if the partners are +/- up to 2 years apart in age? Or whatever other arbitrary number you care to pick?

@RichardsGear it's only an hour or so once a week.

23 years between me and DH. Been together 31 years. Hes 73 and i will be 50 this June. Pre pandemic ...... Physical relationship stopped when i was 23. Thats anything physical No hugs.....anything Met OM who is 17 years older when i was 30 Stopped seeing him when i was 34.

Post pandemic. In August 2021 i became very depressed and was suicidal I could not get OM out of my head. I knew he was going to turn 65 at the end of that month and had a horrible feeling of time running out. I agonized for five weeks before i wrote to him Put my no in the letter and he texted me back straight away. There had been no one since me. He had a mild stroke six years ago. Started seeing each other again in Oct 21. NO ED at all despite the mild stroke and diabetes which is very under control. Hes 66 It was like the thirteen years + that we were apart never happened. It was like the time between just fell inwards and 2003 2005 06 07 joined with 2021. Its not just the sex which is wonderful Its the affection and all the intimacy surrounding it. That disappers too. when men have problems Because @renieve a lot of men wont even hug you in case you expect more. OM is also the only man ive been able to let go and be completely wanton with. Hes the only man ive been able to use a sex toy in front of Thats because of trust I would have been too embarassed to do that with DH or anyone else.

Why do you stay in the marriage @JenniferBooth ?

@JenniferBooth really sorry to hear that. Why don't you leave your husband if you're not happy?

Indeed. I read that comment and though jealous of what exactly?

Why would anyone be jealous of a woman who is shagging an old man?

Unless big sums of money are involved perhaps?

@THisbackwithavengeance can guarantee no large sums of money anywhere.

At the moment, everything is fine intimacy wise and nothing could change how much I love DP or how he's my best friend.

Hopefully you don't find this a rude question... But my first question: do you find him as sexually attractive than someone your own age?

Second Q: What happens when he gets older and needs care/you are still in the prime of your life? I had an ex with a huge age gap parents and his mum basically became the dads carer as a relatively young woman, and she seemed to resent him.

I think when they got together she was young and he was middle aged but still attractive, not retired, out in the world etc...so their lives changed a lot for her as they aged and he needed constant care (hers had to slow down while she was still young to match his)

This

I disagree.

Most middle aged man might view a young woman and agree that she is pretty and attractive but wouldn't pursue her sexually because they have nothing in common and are on completely different wavelengths.

But I do agree that there are some men who have a very transactional view of women coupled with a very high opinion of themselves and actively seek out young women or women who are from places like Thailand, Ukraine or The Philippines. They tend to be a certain "type" in my experience.

I have two questions

Firstly, have you thought about complications to do with inheritance?

Normally, to be fair to you, you would inherit from him and then pass onto children when you are deceased. However this is unfair to his children on two counts. If they are a similar age to you then they may never inherit as they may predecease you. Secondly you may decide to split his assets between all four children rather than just his two (though that could happen in any blended family)….. I’d be more worried for his children never inheriting as their peers will due to your young age, disadvantages them and grandchildren… but then for you to not inherit as widow would be unfair too.

Secondly, have you considered the impact on your own considerably younger offspring, that they may be living in a house with a grandparent type figure whose deterioration/death may very adversely impact their home life at crucial developmental stages (for example puberty, key exam periods etc when they really need their home life to be focused on them….rather than mums boyfriend who’s had a stroke and is in a care bed in the middle of the living room with carers coming in 5x a day)

I know you want to live for today and all this love you have for each other. But the reality is, particularly if as you say he can “drink you under the table”, that he will have health complications and that has a wider reaching impact than you being a carer - your kids will have to do without you and the household will have to deal with loss of income and standard of living.

You said you met online. What was the age gap of a man you were looking for? And how old women was he looking for?

I've been in a couple of relationships with older men and it has taken time and maturing to realise how one-sided and selfish (from their side) these relationships were. However, this is something that none of us can explain and warn you about, but you'll need to experience and learn this yourself. Why is it that a 50+ year old man is looking for a woman in her 20s... This is like your children dating your friends one day, or you dating their friends...

Hmmm - 50 year bloke is in a bar, sees an attractive 25 year old woman, their eyes meet, they start talking, they then start flirting but at that point the man thinks, "Actually no, I'm not going forward with anything sexual because I think we will turn out to have nothing in common and be on completely different wavelengths."

Give over! 😂

Jealous of shagging a guy old enough to be one’s dad?

Uh, no.

If you say so. Are you young? Is it really so difficult to believe that an older man might be happily married to and fancy his same age wife or partner without having an eye out for a 20 year old?

I agree that some men believe themselves entitled to young women and view women in terms of how they look and no other criteria. I don't think they're the kind of man you would choose if you're looking for a decent relationship though.