In a 'huge' age gap relationship- AMA

[renieve]

NC'd for this.

In a 'huge' age gap relationship for three years. Age gap is 28 years. Partner is male, I'm female. I appreciate this won't be interesting to many people, in which case please ignore AMA!

Have you thought about retirement? Would you retire super early to spend it together?

Have you thought about elderly care, what if you end up being his carer?

100% im tomorrow isn’t guaranteed but just wondering if conversations had happened or plans in place.

I have a friend in a similar situation and always wanted to ask but would never, seeing as it’s AMA….might as well ask here.

@Irisheyesareshining we love each other and we care about each other very much. That's all I can say that's worth any weight IMO.

@renieve but you must know that you will be in a mainly platonic relationship by your 40s with infrequent or no sex. Are you genuinely happy with that?

I mean this nicely - why do you feel like you still have to visit him, especially when you hate it? It was his choice to push his family away.

@renieve do you not question how much he really loves you when there is so much you've got to lose in a relationship with an age gap that big?

Thanks:)

I’m not doubting the genuinity of you, your post or anything like that. I can just see the comments going left very quickly

Have you thought about what how you will both manage if you are a relatively youthful mid 50s and he is an elderly mid 80s?

(Have experience of parents’ friend who married a dashing 50 something when she was barely in her 20s; when she was early 50s he was deep in dementia).

@YWP I haven't thought about it too much yet in all honesty.
I have accepted that I might be his career and have made peace with that- I'd love to look after DP properly as opposed to an over-stretched and under-funded nursing home.

We have insurance if anything did happen and are planning to be married.

I guess the concern would be that you would have to be prepared to be alone again. My dh is 11 years older than me, I’m 40 and he is 51 now. We have 3 dc together. He has had a couple of serious health issues in the last 2 years, and the prognosis for people with the same thing is quite a high 5 year and 10 year mortality rate. My bff and her husband are same age as mine and her husband has also had some serious issues. My father died at 58. I just try not not think about it. But it does worry me that I will be spending a good portion of my life potentially alone in retirement.

I think with a partner 28 years older, this would be even more likely. Or the other thing is spending your retirement years as a carer.

@updin I haven't felt the need to question that- DP shows me every day how much he loves me through acts of selflessness and kindness.

OP, it's really difficult to know what you're relying to - you can quite a poster by clicking on the arrow to the right of the post on the app, then clicking Quote.

^quote 😄

@pizzaHeart similar in terms of education. Both religious but different denominations.

@Neodymium you're right and it saddens me greatly when k think about it like that.

@Twigletgirl27 I'm hoping we can overcome that.

Have you discussed future financial planning? Particularly if marriage is on the agenda and he has children from a previous relationship. Does he intend for his children to inherit? Do his children know that you intend to marry?

@RichardsGear I don't know really. Because he appreciates it. And no one else will. And because I'm the love of his life. After the stress he had caused me over the last few years I would be within my rights to walk away. He stopped looking after himself and it reached crisis point during covid. Also took me 18 months to sort him out with a debit card.

@BranchGold yes, yes and yes.

@renieve but he is being incredibly selfish can you not see that? Depriving you of a healthy marriage with a man you would be statistically more likely to have a long life with, sex life and not becoming a carer so young. Not to mention the impact that'll have on your children too.

He is completely getting his cake and eating it in this scenario and I just struggle to see it is love and not complete convenience, with the perk of a spritely young woman to boot.

If he loved you, genuinely, I believe he'd have thought about this extensively and let you go.

@Twigletgirl27 Have you been through that yourself.

And because I'm the love of his life.

This sounds incredibly naive too, I'm sure plenty of 60+ year old men would declare 20 year olds as the "love of their life" if they were giving them attention, it's just not many would...

It was a different poster who said that!

You hate doing it though. Time to put yourself first?

I'm in a 28 year age gap too but I'm older than the OP. I am late 30s and he is mid 60s. He is still as fit as a fiddle with tons of energy and joie de vivre, sex life is amazing, no issues there. It all depends on the person.

@JenniferBooth to some extent yes. But such a huge age gap is bound to lead to differences in libido and of course ED and I'm genuinely curious as to whether OP has seriously considered this or is just 'hoping' everything will be fine