My dh walked away from his children after fighting to see them for six years - AMA

[Katypp]

Family courts about 12 years ago - things hopefully will have changed by now

No man has ever been ordered by the CMS to pay 80% of his salary with regard to maintenance.
arrears might increase the standard threshold but they are calculated separately so safe to assume this is garbage

A fairly sensible and credible post ruined completely by showing your preconceived notions with “achieve a result with their ex without the need for court so ……go figure.”

Unbelievable.

”some” women will do what ever they can to destroy an ex partners life regardless of what the ex does or how they behave.

OP, how were you made party to proceedings? Usually that is not allowed.

@Whiskeypowers read the post OP never said csa ordered 80% she said there figure was £250 but that the ex wife wanted 80% was it with people not actually reading the post but jumping in straight away

Well, I can only say that having been in a situation where if I don’t do what she said I had all contact stopped )not legally, just because she felt like it) I paid all sorts in the early days.

I am sure someone will be along to say court wouldn’t have allowed her to stop me seeing the kids 🙄. Have you any idea how long and how much money is involved in trying to get that situation resolved? It’s easier to just pay up in the hope of an easy life

@Pumperthepumper she said he paid it for a year in the post and that he had to stop as he got in to debt so has answered that
It wasn't long a year could be doable whilst living of a cc then it catches up with you
Why is so unbelievable ? Yet totally believable that no man has ever fought for his kids and been screwed by the system , yet we know it happens to women all the time
The system is pretty shit

not preconceived notions they are facts. The majority of separated men who are good fathers and treated their ex well manage to avoid family court. They can come to an arrangement. That’s because abuse and control are not involved.

there are a number of women who are awful in courts I have no doubt. I also have no doubt that this number is swallowed whole many times over by awful abusive men who have used family court to pick up where they left off when she was strong enough to leave or try and keep the children safe.

i am not defending women I am ascribing a set of behaviours to abusive men using the family court system

they are not the same discussion

I’ve been asking her this she doesn’t get back to you on it

How were the children?

The court system is flawed, judges and Cafcass have biases. Some follow an agenda of both parents must have contacts - whatever the behaviour, sometimes even if dads are aggressive others may favour mothers as primary parent.

I think there needs to be more transparency- family court is secretive and a judge gets to make decisions that can rarely be challenged. I'm not sure how it can be changed but there should be some level of external review - schools, hospitals etc are reviewed but Judges are deemed as infallible??

I think children when young adults should be invited to feedback about the process. It would make judges accountable for their decisions.

Why are you still married to someone who has abandoned their kids with a mum that he seems to think is emotionally damaging his them?

(Think I read she allegedly threatened to kill herself if the kids saw him…)

Maybe I am a bitter single mum but my ex-husband was abusive and continues to be abusive by dragging me through courts with ridiculous claims, refusing to pay maintenance and barely sees our kids. There’s a long list of his abusive behaviour including him making me and the kids homeless and false allegations that cost me my job.

What I didn’t do was walk away because I’d be damned if he and his crazy was going to be the only influence on my kids.

Where did @Katypp confirm that?

For goodness sake to the posters derailing the thread arguing about semantics. The op will either answer or not on the 250 . No one needs to come in all agressive and abusing posters/.

i do wonder if the op will Come back , or if this is ask me anything but the unpalatable truth.

How old were the children

@Witsendwilly my DH started having legal representation since July 2022 (case has been going on since March 2021) and in that short space of time, it has cost £10,000 in legal fees. It's completely unsustainable for the average person which ultimately means they don't have access to justice. And when you don't have legal representation, any bad legal decisions made go against you. Can't win.

That’s what I meant, ie it was people not understanding the system in terms of him never being ordered to pay 80% of his salary.
if 250 was 80% of his salary she would have been awarded a lot less

I doubt @Katypp will be back. I think they actually only wanted a ‘the system favours women!’ sort of conversation and very few posters bit.

@Pumperthepumper from my experience (3 court cases as the mother and witnessing 4 court cases from the fathers perspective), they appear to be heavily in favour of the mother. My DH has been treated appallingly by the entire system (apart from the Guardian who was brilliant) and if you don't accept all the crap that is written about you by psychologists, then it means you aren't changing and risk losing your children. It's pure coercion.

My brother had a similar situation. He fought for ten years to get custody of his kids, costing him an exorbitant amount of money His wife was an absent parent really (despite the stories she told in court) and emotionally abusive to the kids stemming from her own poor mental health, and anger at her own life. But the courts continually supported the status quo, and 'mothers are best'. Eventually the kids staged their own coup and refused to go back to their mothers and since they were now teens, the court had no choice but to give my brother custody. The relationship between them and their mother had broken down entirely and they wanted away from their abuser. Their anger at a court that kept them with an abuser and away from a safe, supportive, competent parent came through too! The impact of those ten years and the preventable abuse led to years in therapy for them and still impacts them as adults.

This was twenty years ago. One would hope that by now, the courts would not favour mothers as the natural parent, sad to hear that it still happens.

@musingsinmidlife unfortunately they do still take that view. DH was assaulted by his ex 3 times and she alienated DSS from his father but all that was brushed aside. Her violence didn't matter in court but I know for a fact if DH had assaulted her 3 times, he probably wouldn't have been seeing his son.

I'm not really sure why you think people would be interested to hear about this, especially given it was over a decade ago. You haven’t given an update about whether there is any contact now and if so how that cane about, so this all feels very self serving. What are you trying to achieve here?

Now they are adults does he have any relationship with them?

My dad walked away from his first child for similar reasons. His ex wife hated him and said she would make sure his child did and she did exactly that. Every time he went to see his child the child cried and was miserable and in the end he couldn't stand upsetting her. The courts weren't interested. This was nearly 60 years ago and he's never heard from his child. The mother did remarry though so hopefully the child had a stable parent. He still has photos up, it's like having a sibling that never ages and has been 6 forever.

Well. This thread has taken a bizarre turn at times. I am wondering why so many posters seem to think they know what happened yet at the same time tell me I don't!
I will answer some of the qs now

Spot on. Pick me vibes.

Is this an AMA or a thread bashing his ex?

If this was 12 years ago and he fought for 6 how old are the children now, is he in regular touch?