Page 3 | My dh walked away from his children after fighting to see them for six years - AMA

Katypp · 2023-01-03T12:29:20+00:00

Family courts about 12 years ago - things hopefully will have changed by now

Witsendwilly · 03/01/2023 13:20

Katypp · 03/01/2023 13:14

You can struggle all you like. The children were well looked after physically, were well fed, clothed educated etc. The decision was that pushing for contact would cause such distress to the mother that the status quo (ie no contact) should not be disturbed, for her (and by asdiciation) the children's mental well-being. No reason was ever given what the actual problem was with allowing contact, although all agencies asked

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Having lived through similar I can confirm that this can happen.

You are wasting your time though OP. 99 percent on here will just be live he was clearly abusive and never believe that in some instances, they system is just massively weighted towards the mother. Especially if she gets a good enough lawyer

AlienatedChildGrown · 03/01/2023 13:22

Katypp · 03/01/2023 12:45

@Puffalicious he needed to fight because his ex would not allow contact. She wanted 80% of his wages as maintenance for herself, his stepchild and their two children. CSA amount at the time was around £250 a month. She allowed very limited contact (in her home) as long as he paid that, which he did for a year, but things went awray as soon as he tried to reduce it. He had seen her alianate her oldest child from her dad, so he was u der no illusions what would happen, but he just couldn't afford it as was racking up debt just to live.
But a men are evil and all women are saintly, eh?

No, men are not evil, women are not saintly. Ditto the other way around.

But the conversation as per parental alienation does tend to end up focused on the sex of the parents. Rarely much to do with those of us being torn apart in the middle. We do get a mention if handy as ammunition against “the evil sex !” Whichever one that may be in the eye of the person making their point.

So … same old, same old really.

Pumperthepumper · 03/01/2023 13:22

I really struggle to see why anyone would want full custody of their children, with no input from their other parent at all, to the extent they’d fight in court for literally years to make sure it didn’t happen, just because of spite.

CatJumperTwat · 03/01/2023 13:24

It's so sad to see women making excuses for these deadbeats.

Porcinimushroom · 03/01/2023 13:25

Katypp · 03/01/2023 13:07

Yes he paid right up until they were 20.

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So why did he want to reduce from the miserly 250?

GinoVino · 03/01/2023 13:28

Wow he sounds like a prince OP. Well done you must be so proud.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/01/2023 13:31

Unless you have been tangled in the court /Cafcass wheel I feel people can't comment tbh. After an affair my word was always questioned in our child arrangements my parenting never so. .. 4 years in I was anorexic and had ptsd. Would i have been so wrong to put my other dc and myself before our shared dc? I didn't thanl God and I won but it took years and years to get back to health and rebuild all our lives. When ex recently died the weight lift was immense. Even for my dc. Don't judge others imo.

healthadvice123 · 03/01/2023 13:31

@Porcinimushroom seems it was 12 years ago and that he paid 80% and couldn't afford to pay
Its wasted on here though as its always the men at fault and never any women
Granted I know more men who don't bother who are not stopped access etc
But i also now a couple of women who use the children as weapons so its not unheard of

Whiskeypowers · 03/01/2023 13:31

Katypp · 03/01/2023 13:10

@coodawoodashooda @Whiskeypowers because no woman ever does bad things, eh?

Whoever said that?

MzHz · 03/01/2023 13:31

Katypp · 03/01/2023 12:54

@RewildingAmbridge even if the children were being dragged in to 'protect' their mother? If they were told mummy would kill herself if they saw their dad? Do you think that was in their best interest?

We had similar. When you see a child being torn apart by their mother so that she can either get more money, control others, fuck up every waking second of everyone’s life while the dc are with their dad, ruin every day of the holiday, torpedo their holiday with their father totally by convincing the dc they don’t want to go, it’s boring, we never do anything, they don’t like flying, travelling etc etc etc. (all utter bollocks but that’s controlling person 101) Just cos…..

you have to step back to protect the child, knowing that out the other side of it, when the kids are adults you can try to explain. Sure it won’t fix everything, but when the school tells you that the dc is benefitting from NOT being used as a weapon by their mother against the father you have to put faith in the future.

some mothers are fucking awful, but courts don’t support fathers in the same way, past a certain age the child’s own word is used and in our case master manipulator ex made sure to get the dc on the right page so that their income continues.

the only thing you can do is to step back. To stop real damage being done. Or MH to deteriorate to such a point that the kid starts or threatens to self harm

AlienatedChildGrown · 03/01/2023 13:32

Pumperthepumper · 03/01/2023 13:22

I really struggle to see why anyone would want full custody of their children, with no input from their other parent at all, to the extent they’d fight in court for literally years to make sure it didn’t happen, just because of spite.

To win.

To get pay back.

To distract from the hurt and to feel less helpless in the face of other people’s choices.

Because an impulse was poorly resisted, and some some accusations are so serious that like Geenies, they can’t be put back in the bottle.

Lots of reasons. Once you dig right down into the “fallible human” nitty gritty it is easier to understand. Eventually forgive. But unfortunately there are no time machines to undo what was done. Not least cos the domino effect can take over and produce deep layers of resentments, fuck ups, poor choices made in pain & haste, snap judgments (by all concerned, large and small) which make a terrain too unstable to burrow a way out of.

Pumperthepumper · 03/01/2023 13:33

Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/01/2023 13:31

Unless you have been tangled in the court /Cafcass wheel I feel people can't comment tbh. After an affair my word was always questioned in our child arrangements my parenting never so. .. 4 years in I was anorexic and had ptsd. Would i have been so wrong to put my other dc and myself before our shared dc? I didn't thanl God and I won but it took years and years to get back to health and rebuild all our lives. When ex recently died the weight lift was immense. Even for my dc. Don't judge others imo.

Who did you have an affair with?

Whiskeypowers · 03/01/2023 13:35

Katypp · 03/01/2023 13:14

You can struggle all you like. The children were well looked after physically, were well fed, clothed educated etc. The decision was that pushing for contact would cause such distress to the mother that the status quo (ie no contact) should not be disturbed, for her (and by asdiciation) the children's mental well-being. No reason was ever given what the actual problem was with allowing contact, although all agencies asked

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I’m being polite whenI say I struggle
i suppose what I’m saying is I don’t buy your account.
those sorts of statements would need to be supported by expert witnesses such as child psychologist - a social worker or CAFCASS officer is not an expert witness in those circumstances and cannot present as one - so who was saying this for a court to have upheld it?

also how were you in a series of private family law hearings unless you were party to proceedings? Were you? Not usual for partners or wives of applicant / respondent to be since it is not about their children for whom they have PR for.

healthadvice123 · 03/01/2023 13:36

@Porcinimushroom why do you keep asking about reducing from the £250 which wasn't said

Witsendwilly · 03/01/2023 13:36

Pumperthepumper · 03/01/2023 13:22

I really struggle to see why anyone would want full custody of their children, with no input from their other parent at all, to the extent they’d fight in court for literally years to make sure it didn’t happen, just because of spite.

And yet it happens day in day out.

knittingaddict · 03/01/2023 13:36

Katypp · 03/01/2023 13:02

@Sellorkeep the judgment was always a contact order, which his ex ignored. She had no fear of the family courts and mothers got away with a lot more then. The courts operated on the 'happy mum happy child' principle.

No they don't. What a stupid, ignorant post.

Porcinimushroom · 03/01/2023 13:38

healthadvice123 · 03/01/2023 13:36

@Porcinimushroom why do you keep asking about reducing from the £250 which wasn't said

At least read the ops posts . It wad clearly said.

Whiskeypowers · 03/01/2023 13:38

Witsendwilly · 03/01/2023 13:20

Having lived through similar I can confirm that this can happen.

You are wasting your time though OP. 99 percent on here will just be live he was clearly abusive and never believe that in some instances, they system is just massively weighted towards the mother. Especially if she gets a good enough lawyer

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Family courts do not favour mothers
why do you think the new domestic abuse bill was passed?
Family court is a bear pit where historically abusive men have used the system to continue to abuse women and their children and get away with it.

don’t let what happened to you make you think otherwise.

RedHelenB · 03/01/2023 13:38

Katypp · 03/01/2023 12:45

@Puffalicious he needed to fight because his ex would not allow contact. She wanted 80% of his wages as maintenance for herself, his stepchild and their two children. CSA amount at the time was around £250 a month. She allowed very limited contact (in her home) as long as he paid that, which he did for a year, but things went awray as soon as he tried to reduce it. He had seen her alianate her oldest child from her dad, so he was u der no illusions what would happen, but he just couldn't afford it as was racking up debt just to live.
But a men are evil and all women are saintly, eh?

In my experience, children love those that love them. I've heard mothers say how awful a child's visit to their father has been , yet their children tell me a different story. If he'd carried on fighting then those visits could have been the bright spots in their lives. He gave up, and I can never ever understand men who do that. Courts are set up to make sure both parents are able to see their children except in very extreme circumstances. Plus I refuse to believe he ever paid 80% of his salary to his ex as CM.

Pumperthepumper · 03/01/2023 13:39

healthadvice123 · 03/01/2023 13:36

@Porcinimushroom why do you keep asking about reducing from the £250 which wasn't said

The OP said it:

CSA amount at the time was around £250 a month. She allowed very limited contact (in her home) as long as he paid that, which he did for a year, but things went awray as soon as he tried to reduce it.

Hey @Katypp on your AMA, does he see his kids now?

booboo82 · 03/01/2023 13:39

Eastereggsboxedupready · 03/01/2023 12:44

My exh was at times suicidal because of his ex and keeping their dc away. When he was awaiting surgery and on sick pay she demanded them each a branded coat costing nearly £100 each (so 2) and when he couldn't she kept them away for months. Another time they fell asleep after a day out without brushing their teeth. Gone again. She agreed all sorts in court then pulled stupid stunts. When they got to teens court said they could decide themselves.. We divorced. So don't know what happened as time went on. But she was very toxic as I witnessed myself. It really isn't always flakey df's.

Agreed but on mumsnet dad's are the devil's

toomuchlaundry · 03/01/2023 13:39

If he paid until they were 20 did he not pay the children directly once over 18?

Witsendwilly · 03/01/2023 13:39

MzHz · 03/01/2023 13:31

We had similar. When you see a child being torn apart by their mother so that she can either get more money, control others, fuck up every waking second of everyone’s life while the dc are with their dad, ruin every day of the holiday, torpedo their holiday with their father totally by convincing the dc they don’t want to go, it’s boring, we never do anything, they don’t like flying, travelling etc etc etc. (all utter bollocks but that’s controlling person 101) Just cos…..

you have to step back to protect the child, knowing that out the other side of it, when the kids are adults you can try to explain. Sure it won’t fix everything, but when the school tells you that the dc is benefitting from NOT being used as a weapon by their mother against the father you have to put faith in the future.

some mothers are fucking awful, but courts don’t support fathers in the same way, past a certain age the child’s own word is used and in our case master manipulator ex made sure to get the dc on the right page so that their income continues.

the only thing you can do is to step back. To stop real damage being done. Or MH to deteriorate to such a point that the kid starts or threatens to self harm

Show quote history

Exactly this.

The issue is that until someone has seen it with their own eyes and live though it, people find it difficult to believe it happens.

Its appalling but I don’t know how you fix it.

Whiskeypowers · 03/01/2023 13:39

knittingaddict · 03/01/2023 13:36

No they don't. What a stupid, ignorant post.

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Perhaps I should have written your words whenI said I struggled to believe this too.
it is absolutely ignorant and smacks of someone who has been brainwashed

healthadvice123 · 03/01/2023 13:40

Why are so many of you finding it hard to believe also op said 12 years ago so not in last couple of years
One poster keeps harping on about him reducing his £250 when that isn't what was said
Whilst more often its a man that walks away and leaves their child, their are mothers that use their child as a weapon as well
Why is that so hard to believe ?