My dh walked away from his children after fighting to see them for six years - AMA

[Katypp]

Family courts about 12 years ago - things hopefully will have changed by now

@Katypp yes because of their mother is doing that she is emotionally abusing them, and is clearly not well/stable. I would be reporting to social care and making sure I had evidence for court. Why would you leave your child with someone who threatens to kill themselves to emotionally control a child?

Did he stop paying anything to them after he abandoned his own children? Did he cut the financial support too?

I read this as him reducing it from the 80% of wages she asked for , not reducing it from the minimum.

@Sellorkeep the judgment was always a contact order, which his ex ignored. She had no fear of the family courts and mothers got away with a lot more then. The courts operated on the 'happy mum happy child' principle.

If she’s all the things you say why has your partner given up?
no decent parent would ever do that especially with CAFCASS backing etc

nice to see you got the emotionally unstable and maintenance boxes ticked though

this isn’t your story to tell in any event .

Omg this

Absolutely

I can understand. I can see how you might get to the point When you are financially and emotionally exhausted and depleted and have been utterly consumed by the fight to see your children. In a situation that when the other parents flouts the guidance given by the courts and all services and it cannot be enforced-and the partner holds all the cards...... that you have to actually step back to survive.

It would be a crushing decision to make. But even if some contact was allowed it would likely be continuing a form of abusive relationship for many many years and you wonder in the end what the children would gain from it if being used as pawns.

I think it is possible and actually very brave to know when you are just at the end of the road. This doesn't sound like a man who gave up on his kids easily and walked away.

Yup, he did all that. Social Services said thar the children's happiness was so entangled in their mother's that it was not in their best interests to intervene.
He went to court - they would not help when it became apparent that she would not comply with court orders because the only option at that stage was to jail the mother, which no court would do then.
What else do you suggest?

Do you have children?

Yes he paid right up until they were 20.

Very easy to say. Have you seen my responses?

Yes I have three

I struggle to believe a social worker would say that
contact is deemed in children’s best interests unless serious and substantive allegations are upheld.

@coodawoodashooda @Whiskeypowers because no woman ever does bad things, eh?

I hear you OP, but on here, the sympathy lies with the RP ( usually mum). Dads are viewed with suspicion, automatically in the wrong. Parental alienation is a real issue in RL.

Ten years ago I would have said the same.
Maybe when you have walked in their shoes eh?

I fought for year to see me kids, fighting numerous no contact orders and running
up six figures worth of debt against a fully legally aided wife who consistently lied in court.

I managed to maintain limited weekly contact with the eldest until they turned 16 and decided they wanted 50/50 (they actually wanted to come to me full time but I encouraged them to maintain a relationship with their mum). She then got the hump and they do now live with me and barely speak to her.

The youngest was completely turned against me by their mum when ONCE in over 150 contacts I was five minutes late to pick them up.
Mum convinced the youngest that I didn’t care and was “mean to mummy” and I haven’t seen or spoken to my child since despite more time in court trying.

I have walked away.
To keep fighting would have killed me and got me nowhere.
Hopefully when 16 the youngest will come looking and is probably now wondering why the elder sibling has chosen to live with someone who is allegedly such a horror.

It is impossible to judge a situation from outside.
There are many men (and women)
who wanted contact for the right reasons but who walk away both to save the child and themselves the trauma of more court battles.

What do you think anyone will gain from your thread, 12 years on?

Does he see them now?

Yes I have
unless you were a joint applicant my point remains. You weren’t because you don’t have the jurisdiction/ status to be eligible.

you also won’t have been in the hearings
you will only have be spoken to in a limited capacity

tiu will have been told a lot of this by him which is also contempt of court on his part since you’re not a party to proceedings

You can struggle all you like. The children were well looked after physically, were well fed, clothed educated etc. The decision was that pushing for contact would cause such distress to the mother that the status quo (ie no contact) should not be disturbed, for her (and by asdiciation) the children's mental well-being. No reason was ever given what the actual problem was with allowing contact, although all agencies asked

Is all this on paper or is he lying to you about what went on 🤔?

@Whiskeypowers eh? I was in all of the hearings!

Eh?!

It’s a bit pointless starting an AMA when it’s so difficult to understand what you’re even on about …

I really struggle with this, as I'm sure do many others on here. As a mother I would never give up on my children, ever.
I bet if your DH didn't have a second family he wouldn't have given up so easily. Those poor children will never know their father, and will go through life thinking he abandoned them.