My dh walked away from his children after fighting to see them for six years - AMA

[Katypp]

Family courts about 12 years ago - things hopefully will have changed by now

Nope. He lives in hope and still has all of the court reports, letters and cards he wrote which were returned unopened and other stuff. He won't show them the letters supposedly from them which his ex wrote and got them to trace the words over the top.

So why is he not in touch now?

Could I ask how you know his ex got the children to trace over the top? Would it not be better to dictate so it was in their own hand writing if she's so manipulative?

Could I ask you personally, as you reached adulthood did you make up your own mind about people rather than parroting your parents own views? Why do you think his own DC are not capable of critical thinking?

I think it's turned into a thread bashing him, actually.
His kids were 8 and 3 when it started, 14 and 9 when it finished. They are now 26 and 21.

Does he see them at all now?

Did he pay 80% of his salary to the ex?

What couldnt he afford?

We have been married for 16 years. Hardly 'the new wife'. And no, we did not have an affair

AMA?

Op you have my complete sympathy. My dh went through a horrific time trying to see his ds. We spent a lot of money in courts, at one stage the judge threatened to jail his ex-wife for contempt. She didn't stop. It was a toxic, horrific situation. DSS doesn't see her now he is an adult and she had three other children removed from her care. Some women are just nasty. I don't know why people refuse to see that.

Whats the point of AMA if you won’t answer the questions?

I suppose I can come at the from another angle actually. I was this child in this scenario 30ish years ago. I was kept away from my father by my mother and step father. Mostly, as she herself was in an abusive, controlling relationship with my step father. I don't see it as my mother being manipulative, I myself wanted to stop going. There was a very lengthy, expensive court battle for contact and he eventually gave up. He paid minimally child support (£70 a month on a surgeons salary) and sent me 1 letter a year. I re-connected with my father in my late 20's. He isn't entirely innocent himself though so it's hard to say 100% that my mother is totally to blame. He is an egotistical misogynist who will profess his innocence and poverty until the cows come home.

Which but are you struggling to understand? The information is all there already if you read the thread properly?

To clear up the maintenence questions:
For the first year after they separated, he paid 80% of his salary voluntarily to his ex as maintenence for his two children, her stepdaughter (whose father did not pay as his ex had cut contact) and his ex, who did not work.
She said that was not enough and asked (in front of the children) for more.
He then enquired how much the CSA would be so he could attempt to negotiate, and the amount was £250. He offered her 50% of his, salary, which she rejected then told the children what they would have to give up because he was too greedy to look after them properly. In front of my dh.
Atno point did he drop to the CSA minimum.

There are women like this.
I know of 2. It’s so sad that their spite and nastiness is used to permanently damage their own dc.
Psychological abuse.

Why did he pay it without checking the CSA first?

DH went through this with his ex. She used to threatened to tell the CSA that he hadn't paid any mai

How did he live on 20% of his wages?

Those who are saying they can't believe it clearly haven't witnessed it. we've just had a year and half of family court proceedings. Dh's ex wife made hugely damaging false allegations (which affected his work), and which were all proven to be false. We had evidence of the ten times she withheld contact on a whim. Evidence of her not allowing the Ds's to call us. She admitted that she had ended their marriage by having an affair during which she was looking after the kids.DH had always been a present and involved Father and this was shown.

The court still allowed her to move 50 miles away for no other reason than she wanted to move in her with her new Boyfriend in a place where neither she or the boys knew another soul. In fact she'd already moved before the court case, which came up but apparently made no odds.

We do over half the Driving for pick ups and drop offs. Two/three mornings a week that's a two hour round trip school run. It's knackered dh's work and is utterly awful for all of us.

The court and cafcass showed a clear bias towards the mother even though she was shown to be frequently lying and was proposing a move that didn't benefit the children at all.

I'm very sure there are people of both sexes that abuse the system and their exes through it. But those making comments such as 'men only want their kids out of spite' are deluded.

This whole process has made dh depressed and at times suicidal. It has cost nearly 18k.

Recently the ex wife has breached the court order again so we will have to restart the process to some degree. It's a daunting and exhausting prospect and we have only had 18 months of this so far. I can fully see why after years and years of it people give up.

What a ridiculous AMA. How about, who are you in all this. I'm guessing either his girlfriend or his mum

I married a feckless Father AMA should have been your thread title.

And believe me I know what I'm talking about when it comes to Family Court!

Have you ever been through it from a fathers perspective?

That really made me laugh.

Why on earth should that have been her thread title?

Yes I have for 12 damn years.