My dh walked away from his children after fighting to see them for six years - AMA

[Katypp]

Family courts about 12 years ago - things hopefully will have changed by now

I believe you OP. I had a deadbeat ex. If you spent 10 minutes listening to him you would think I was the devil. But it absolutely happens the other way around too, and I would imagine it is devestating.

I assume that these women doubting how hard it can be, are also the first ones to post to a single pregnant woman, ‘don’t put his name on the birth certificate”

I believe some women are obstructive but for many men it's a performance for the new partner/wife. He's been unreliable with the children for years upsetting them but then suddenly new GF rocks up and he wants to be dad of the year. I've seen more of that than actually women being obstructive.

A woman fighting for access on her behalf of her DH gives me such pick me vibes.

Why? She has obviously supported her partner as it is a very difficult thing to go through. I've stood by my DH and done most of the paperwork for him and it definitely is not because I want him to 'pick me'.

I wouldn't have needed dh to 'pick me' given that he'd been divorced way before he met me, and had already 'picked me' before his ex wife started to attempt to restrict his relationship with his children for no other reason than her own need for control. What an odd comment.

I said to put it mildly. I'm not saying all mothers are angels as I know for a fact they're not, but if a father truly loves his child they will know that despite anything their mother says.

My DH truly loves his children. He does everything he can to make them happy when he is “allowed” contact with them by their mum. But the kids are young, impressionable and hang on every word their mum says - if mum constantly tells them that dad is a devil and that they won’t have fun at dad’s house, that they would have much more fun doing XYZ at mum’s house rather than going to dad’s house, that dad’s wife doesn’t like them etc and so on: those kids will listen. It’s not their fault, they are just believing what their most trusted person in the world is telling them.

An awful way for a mother to treat her children but I’ve seen it with my own eyes sadly.

Me too. That’s what you do in a partnership. The same man has stood by me during my hard times and fought my corner.

In what way? I'd already been "picked" and it was years after their split, whilst he was single she was totally amicable. If anyone was giving off pick me vibes it was her, not me. This is the case for a lot of women.

Wouldn’t it better to ignore the goady posters but keep answering questions from reasonable posters?

It’s really not fair to start an AMA and then ignore a dozen questions,

@Penguinsaregreat same reason many women have kids with men who do not pay for the kids they already have
This is much more common

@healthadvice123 why blame women for feckless dads?

My own dh and siblings ate scared from a poor custody arrangement
Their mum let them see their dad sometimes but when they came back they were grilled about what they had done , eaten etc and if showed they had enjoyed themselves she would get upset so they learned to not say anything and limited their visits as they got older , there dad was also an arse as well tbf, but its left them all with unresolved issues, which is a shame

@Fraine i was responding to a poster why blamed OP dh for marrying his ex , whats the difference
But personally no I would not have kids with a man who chooses to not pay for his other kids and doesn't want them , why would you set yourself up for the same fate

@healthadvice123 but if a man tells a woman he is seeing that he is paying maintenance for his kids, why wouldn’t the woman believe him? Should she ask to see his payslip/bankslips?

@Fraine I am talking about ones that know and when you go on to actually have a child together , your not just seeing them are you , why was it ok for a poster to blame the OP dh for marrying someone who witheld first child from dh , maybe he was told and believed stories if why at first ? Or is it only women that can make mistakes
But yes if I was planning to have a child with a man who didn't see his kids etc , I would want proof he had tried, proof he was paying
I know several people who have had kids with men who had other kids who they didn't pay for and now find themselves in a similar situation and are almost surprised, yet they knew how they were even backed them not paying in one case

It's pretty clear he/she didn't start the thread to answer questions.

What questions haven't I answered @CatJumperTwat ?
I am more than happy to take @Fraine's advice and ignore goady posters but I am not sure which - genuine - questions I haven' t answered.
I have explained the maintenence situation, said that he does not see them now, and why, explained how I was involved, explained how contact ended etc etc
I won't answer any questions where people are projecting their issues onto my dh's situation and I will ignore any ridiculous suggestions that somehow six years of court hearings and thousands of pounds of money spent is, somehow not enough to prove he's not a deadbeat dad. Nor will I respond to comments implying he just wanted to see his kids to 'get back' at his ex.

The only question that I wanted answering, was why you’d posted this, and what you wanted from us, because I’m still confused as hell

Healthadvice no what I asked was this:
If as the op says, the ex wife was so so bad and nasty towards her first child’s father and stopped access and blackened his name to the first child, why did he go on and have a child with her? It’s a serious question. If she was already acting like this why did he have a child with her and then act surprised when she behaved in exactly the same manner.
This has nothing to do with the women who have children with men who have already abandoned their first lot of children.
That’s another debate and trust me anyone who encourages this behaviour doesn’t get my sympathy.

I’d also like to add the more I read on here the more I despair of all the terrible parents. It’s heartbreaking that so called grown adults cannot put their own feelings aside for the sake of their children.

I hope that is aimed at the parents who deliberately limit, obstruct or try to devalue the contact with the other parent, rather than the parents who lose the will to fight and have to walk away?

Nobody wins, least of all the children, if adults keep turning this massive, life impacting issue into a battle of the sexes. The goodies v the baddies. One stereotype pitted against another. Until the children matter enough for people to resist the urge to shunt other agendas/perspectives into the debate about how alienation evolves, why it starts and escapes control, in what ways “the system” and “society” can work towards reducing the number of cases and helping the kids at the sharp end… more children will continue to be .fed into the soul grinder

For the same reason women marry abusive men, and have children with them. Because sometimes the abusive side doesn't come out, they lie about the circumstances surrounding their first child.

People on here blather on about how you shouldn't believe what someone says about their ex if they claim they're a psycho, but let's face it, we don't disbelieve women when they say it so why would the new boyfriend? Exactly.